Monday, October 29, 2012

Rambling from a lost blogger

In one of my last posts, which was months ago, I said I was turning over a new leaf.  Well now with the fall colors over, and the trees about bare, I have turned over a new leaf.  I am working more diligent in my new office space upstairs (I'm out of the basement.)  and getting a lot more done.

I do still find time hear and there to indulge myself, but I have not been keeping up with my blogger family, and the vlogs I like to watch.

That is okay.

Life has been real hectic.  I have been on the road ALOT.

My wife has been real busy at work, but that is her design.  She told me the other day, that the only thing that keeps her sane is the work. It is the only time she feels Okay.  I wish she would go talk with someone about it.

We are going through lots of changes, and she wants assurance from me that I will be around.  I keep telling her I am happy where I am, and the plan is to stay here.  She is worried about me being "happy".  And I of course am worried about her.  I want her to be happy, but I don't know if she will ever been in the current situation. We have not had sex in months.  but I have been happy with self indulgence, and a brief encounter here and there.  I think only once in the last three months or so.  I'm cool with that, and have basically told her that.

We have the Post Nups signed.  This is good because my family has given me my "land inheritance."  So I wanted to protect it.  And I know that my father-in-laws health is not good, and they are making many end of life decision. Now they can go through with some of them.  But this brings on many emotions for my wife. Do we want to stay here, do we want to move.  I really love it here. I love the farm life.  We will see what a winter brings without my father-in-law to pick up all of the pieces that come with wintering horses.

It has been a lot of work, and we will see if we can keep this commitment to the farm as well as everything else.

I hope my wife is coming to the conclusion that we are different.  Our family is always going to be different, whether we are together in the same house, or not.  I think a big portion of why we are together is shame, and "what will others think." As well as what will it do to our daughter. I think that is true for both of us. She is still worried about her health, and the effects HPV is going to have on her body.  I am too.   She and my daughter watch the HPV show that Dr. Oz had on the other day.  I think all married men should watch it.  I watched it later, and it is scarry.

I rambled there, but I haven't posted in a long time.

Hope all is well with you.


  1. Thanks for connecting with your followers...been thinking about you.

  2. Good to hear from you! My wife was exactly the same when I came out.... she spent every waking moment at her work, 6 or 7 days per week. It was an attempt at escape which didn't work.

    She also refused and continues to refuse to seek help....

    1. Buddy Bear,

      I don't think she thinks it is her problem, which initially it wasn't, but now, she may need to make some decisions that are not easy. I tell her that I have lived with this since I was a teenager. Don't worry about me. I do worry about her, but want her to be Okay. I told her the other day, that she has to make sure she does what makes her "good".

      Life will remain interesting.

    2. Exactly my experience! My wife would say, "Why should I see a therapist? I'M NOT GAY!!!"

      I would also think, but didn't dare tell her: "You are depressed, A.D.D. and have anger management issues.... yes, you do need to see a therapist!"

      I saw a therapist a couple of times at an early stage and I found it enormously helpful. He helped me face the question for the first time, "What do YOU want?"

  3. Glad to hear from're often in my thoughts, buddy.