Therapist

My wife had another "I'm going to leave" after the daughter lied.  I talked her down, if you will, and we are going to the therapist tomorrow.  The same one we went to years ago.

I'll keep you posted.

Good thoughts please.

The Risks

I take risks..........   I wouldn't be in the position I am if I didn't, but I ran across this craigslist post.  The poster was 29.  I continue to be surprised by the ability for people to continue to be risky after they know they are infected with HIV.  I guess the reason I post this is to remind me and others not to take risks.  Also you probably wonder why I was looking on Craigslist.  I do look from time to time, and have not acted on it lately....

Life on the home front is going okay.  The only problems seem to occur when my daughter lies.  It sets off my wife, which then turns the wrath on me, because I am a liar.

I feel sorry for my daughter, because my wife does not give her any room for error.  On grades, ("Your must have Bs. Cs are not acceptable.")  to if she doesn't go directly to the place she was headed.(Stop by and pic up a friend on the way to another friends.)

My daughter is being smothered, and I think she is a good kid... doesn't party, wants to do good, but is trying to grow up, and push away from the parents authority.

The last time I tried to calm their fighting down, my wife was going to leave and run away.  She probably wants to, but I think my daughter heard part of the rant, and now she is worried.  The rant was not anything about me, but I think my wife needs to discuss it with someone professionally.  But she won't go, because it is my problem not hers.

I have told her many times.  I have dealt with all this for all my life and am come to terms with it.  For her it is new, and she needs time, or help to deal with it.

Like I said, for the most part calm, but a little on edge waiting for my daughter to lie, for my wife to go ballistic, and the table to turn to how its my fault.

I realize I created most of the problem, but my wife is one thing I can't fix. I try to do my best.

Disrespectful Comments

I moderate all of my comments.

The other day I opened my e-mail to see three comments.  I thought, wow... I'm excited.  Until I started reading them.  It was from a guy who had nothing better to do than to write three very long and disturbing replies to my posts.  They were all very negative, and didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know people would think...

I didn't read them all, and I'm about to delete them.  I kept them just to see if I wanted to read them later, but my stomach is in a knot, so the next ones will get deleted immediately.



My note to him. 

Fuck YOU.  I'm sure you are sinless.  I know I'm not.  I have many regrets.  I am now trying to make the best of it.  Judge not.  





Peace to all.  Even the guy I say Fuck YOU to.

Saying Hey...

I had a follower e-mail me... So I thought I would post something quick.

I am doing fine.... Just not writing... way too busy to think about it.  

Wife and I are ignoring the whole gay thing most of the time, and that is when I do the best.   I still JO when I'm on the road and watch a lot of gay porn, but haven't hooked up in over 6 months or so.... just hanging low. 

My wife is too busy worrying about her dad, and the changes that it is bringing to worry about changing anything else.

Not trusting is still her big problem.  We will never get past that.

Love to all who read!

Letter to my daughter

I'm not ready to send it, but I think I should start thinking about a letter to my daughter about who I am, and why I am where I am.  Then if/when I am forced out of the closet, or want to come out, it is ready, and it doesn't have to be written with so much emotion.  My daughter would not be able to sit and have a conversation with me, so I think I would need to start that way.

She is about 18, and an only Child.

Do you have any suggestions, or good finds in the blog world that would help?

Let me know....

Out Q - Gay Radio

I listen to out Q out XM radio a lot when I'm on the road.  Not always because of the "gay" talk, but because it is entertaining.  They other day.  My wife decided to take my car to work, and I had left the station on OutQ.

She called very upset.  We had a brief conversation on the road about how I need to just go and be happy.

We had more discussion about the "gay" topic then we have in a long time.

The one thing I told her that sticks in my mind.  Is I'm Okay with me, how I am right now.  But I hate that she got so hurt by it. Physically and emotionally.  She says she will NEVER trust anyone again.  Probably won't.

Not much more to say.  Could be a wild Christmas.  


I know we will be having a talk soon about where we go.  I think this took the scab off of the wound.

I'm putting on a brave face every day.  Don't know where this will lead.

Going Well... For Me...

Life is going well for me.  I think my wife is still about to break.  I don't know how to fix her.  That is what men do, fix.

With her dad being sick, maybe moving into town, and just not sure about me, even though I continue to assure here, she is still on the edge.  We signed the post-nup.... I think that helped some, from a financial security side.

I think there are many changes happening from her parents side.  They are thinking end of life thoughts.  Not living to make their quality of life NOW good.

She is working all the time.


My daughter is starting to become stressed all the time now too.

I am staying calm, because that is how I deal.

I think we all are hoping that time will fix it.