Sunday, the pastor spoke about Mary. Who she was, and asked us to imagine what it was like for her. She was expected to do many things she didn't want to do, but she accepted them. She had to go to her engaged, Joseph. The one that was arranged for her and tell him, "Hey I'm pregnant. It isn't yours, but marry me anyway." She had to tell her parents, "Hey I'm pregnant, I'm not married yet, accept me." The small town she lived in had to be talking, and not to her, but about her.
I started to relate to the Christ Child story. I know it was so strange to look at my story, a story that some would say is devilish and full of adultery and sex, and wonder how can that relate to the virgin birth. You might even call me crazy.
But I related to it.
I wondered what I am being asked to do. Mary denied herself of a lot, she followed what the Lord had told her to do. I don't know that the Lord is telling me to do anything, and I have never had an angel like Gabriel come down and sit next to me and tell me what is going to happen and what I should do. Maybe it would be easier if he would. But what I am seeing right now in my life, is going forward. Do what I have been doing. Live My life as a gay man in a straight man's wold. It has worked all my life to now.
Most bloggers I read here have come out. They are ready, that is why they write. I'm just stuck... It is easy for me. My wife told me several days ago, "I'm in this for the long haul." I didn't tell her I was too, but I answered with affirmative silence. Maybe it is my wife that is more like Mary.
Once his mini sermon was finished our choir sang the Magnificat by Giovanni Battista Pergolesi. It gave me goose bumps. I really felt it. Maybe because it was so personal. The struggles and sacrifice that one small girl made to so many people. I hope that my struggles and sacrifice, although small compared to hers, will make a difference to so many people as well.
Peace in Christmas.
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I hate to be judged, and I hate confrontation. Why do you think I'm in this mess in the first place. I'm not perfect. I call my self a Christian, and I do things that some would say make me NOT a Christian. But I don't disagree with that. All Christians are sinners, do things that are wrong. But when do they move from wrong and a sin, to evil? Because you know better, and should do better.
When I think back over my life, there are some touches that are ingrained in my mind. One is the time I felt my wife's body against me naked. It was really the first time that I was with a woman, or a man naked, feeling their body against mine. I can feel it right now. It felt so good, and was so exotic. Do you remember that. It wasn't really the sex I remembered. It was the feeling of her touch. I still love when she touches me, but don't get it enough. The weird thing is that I get that touch so little, when I do, I don't know how to react, or how to feel. It doesn't feel right, although I want it.
The second one that comes to my mind is the first time as an adult I touched a man I met on the down low. It was the feel of his arm. It was slightly hairy, and felt amazing. I will never forget it. 
I found something on my work computer that I can not get off. Let's just say it shows some things the company wouldn't like. You can guess what it is. The files are in Read Only, and I can't change the capabilities because I'm not an administrator. I have been sick about it, but reality is, no one will ever see it unless I am no longer with the company.
