I'm Addicted

I'm addicted to Blogs.   I have got to get some work done this morning.  All I have done is checked my Tumblr feed and Blogger read list.  I have read some great stories, and saw some great looking men.


I then logged off, and all I have the urge to do is go and check it again.

There is not going to be anything new.........   Why am I looking again?

Go on...

Control....

There is nothing to see here....

Fuck count is WAY off this year

I'm a numbers guy....   And I find these statistics interesting. I'm enjoying myself a lot more this year.  The reasons I'm not having sex with other people are apparent to me.  I am not traveling as much to places that allow me to hook-up.  Also when I go, I will not be paying for sex, so that will limit the number of guys.  As far as my wife, it will be less because of age. We are having issues that don't allow for it as much...  We need to figure that out. 

I guess I'll be doing lots of this.

This is the number of days between ejaculations in each activity.

                    2015            2016 YTD     

Alone          4.11                   4.08

Man           16.22                 34.00

Wife           36.40              102.00

Total            3.17                   3.52

Anderson Cooper - Vanderbilt and Me

He is so fucking sexy,
and beautiful.

I watched CBS this Morning and the story about Anderson Cooper and his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt today.  I think of this handsome man, and all he has been through.  The loss of his father at a young age, and the the death of his brother, who jumped from a balcony to his death, and wonder, how do our lives compare.

I'm not talking about the money, and fame, we know where that stands.  But where his life as an out man, is different than mine.  What if I would have had the courage to be OUT. Either when I was a kid, or now.  There are times I want to be free of this lie, of this life I have built.  But then, I have to sit back and realize that I have build a great thing.  Others would disagree, but I'm 51, I have a career, I have built a family that is loving and full of life.  We care for each other, love each other despite our differences.

Then I read this contrast in family.

Los Angeles father allegedly killed son because he was gay.

I do have an extended family that is homophobic, but would never go this far.  Last time I was home, my father was lamenting over his friend's son who is gay and living in New York with his husband.  They have a family vacation, and take family pictures during it.  He can't believe that his friend is okay with the pictures of the gay son's husband in the picture.  More so that they would post it on Facebook.  And furthermore, how they would allow this behavior next to the gay son's sister's kids.  Showing it as normal. Of course I sit and just listen.  Say nothing, wanting to debate him on his views.

I guess it brings me back to what makes one life better than another?  Just because one is out, does that make his life better?  Is one life more moral than the other?

I say NO.  It is different.

Secret Friends.....

I often think about the people I meet online, and otherwise that I become friends with.  Most of the time these friendships are short lived, or I have limited interactions with them.

One in particular, I e-mail about twice every year, just to check in.  He is about 10 years older than me, but we met in a chat room looking for phone sex in about 1998.   He lived in New Jersey, but worked in New York City.  I have no clue which website we met on, but we spoke on the phone and got off together many times back then.  It was pretty exciting.  I remember when the terrorist attacks on 9-11 happened.  He was the first person I thought of.  I couldn't call him at work until the next day or so.  He wasn't that close to the bombings, but it effected him.

We talked through the coming out to our wives, and how life is going.  I have never met the guy.  I would love to do that, not that much to have sex, but just to talk.

I have another friend that I have not talked to in over a year.  He lives in a town close to me, and we used to talk daily.  We first met to have sex, but ended up in the end we just talked about who we did or couldn't do etc...  I think we met in 2003 or so.  Once I came out to my wife I stopped talking to him, because my wife was suspicious of me.  It was easier.  I miss our conversations.  He has since divorced, and came out.  Last I knew he was living with a guy and was quite happy.  We are not more like old friends, although there was a time I would have considered him like a brother.

I often wonder if I was on my own, and out to everyone, how these friendships would blossom, or change.  Would I expect more out of them?  Would the continue?  I think they would.

Now I think those friendships are happening on this blog.  The people who read mine, and those that I read.   The conversation is a bit more public, but it still meets that need.

But it is interesting how the "life in secret" works.

Some Days something is just missing

Some days, I sit in my office, and do nothing, search the internet for something.   A response, someone to acknowledge the true me, something that speaks to me.

Didn't find anything today. My house is quiet, I'm alone for the moment, and I need something.  I don't know where it is, and I don't know what it is. But something is missing.

I did get this in my in box...

But I didn't fight for anyone's rights, I am in the closet in spite of the elder gay's fight for equality.  Nope that's not what I'm looking for.

Look at my favorite escort site, see if I can find someone new... Found a favorite to send an e-mail for an upcoming trip.

Nope.... that doesn't do it...

Looking through my "Reading List" ...

Nope... Not there.  Cock didn't even twing on any of that...

Where is the answer?  I'll go help my wife outside, and that will help, take my mind off of what I'm looking for.  

I'm going to focus on being blessed to have her in my life.

Phone Sex - Imagination at its best

Well since I haven't been traveling much, I have been masturbation more at home.  Sometimes porn just isn't enough, I need something else.  I really think my progression into the gay sex world revolves around phone sex.  

When I was younger and into my early 20s I only played with a few guys.  No actual sex, but played around.  Then later before I was married, I found this cool thing called "Phone Sex".  Of course this cost money, and at first, just like in porn I dabbled in the straight stuff.  It was straight mostly because it was the only thing I could find at the time. It also cost money though so I limited myself.

Later on I found a chat line where it didn't cost money, and I could find a guy to chat with.  We were both calling for pleasure and so neither was a paid performer.  I had a certain guy who gave me his phone number, and let me call whenever I wanted.  Of course that was before caller id, put I used this gay line alot.

Then came marriage, and not much phone sex, because I was having the real thing.  Then after children, that slowed down, and I turned to chat on the internet.  No speaking, but typing in chat rooms.   This turned to more phone sex, but not costing anything.

THEN... I had to have more....  I had to have the real thing, and it was easier to find.   Then comes my slut phase.

Now to today...  I'm back to phone sex.  It is free, and most of the time more enjoyable than porn.  I get to image me and a man naked together, making love, fulfilling our passionate fantasies.  It is one of the greatest things ever.  I image a very beautiful man, and I (still in my 20s) making passionate love. In reality it would be two old men with flaccid penises playing with each other. But for a moment it is real, and beautiful.  I love partaking is some good passionate sex.

The only thing about it while being in a relationship, is that then there is a feeling of relief and guilt that you are not spending that energy on your partner.  I do try to time it so it will work with my real life, but also sometimes it gets in the way of work.


If anyone wants to know which ones I use, let me know and I'll put it in the comments.

Exploration of my sexuality

I do love being on the road sometimes because I get to explore my sexuality, but it is probably a good idea to be home for a week.

I do like to work in my sweats, no underwear, Then I get to explore but only with one hand, with my hand down my pants.

Last week was pretty fun.  Went to two gay bars, had a guy pick me up at one.  Even though it didn't work out, it was nice to know it could happen.  Then I of course spent some time at the spa.  I do think it was a great exploration.

With all of this said I still want to stay with my wife, and we enjoy each other.  Thank God she still wants me.  Sometimes I can't believe she does.

I have lots of work to do, and can't believe I'm typing to you instead of finishing a report.

Next week I head of to small town America again,  My guess is that nothing will happen, but I hope I will get a lot of masturbation time in.

Older men and the sex drive

I will tell you, I have had less and less of a desire for sex.  Sex or even masturbation.  I don't know why of course.  Some of it may be that I'm real busy, some of it may be because I'm slightly over weight and my hormones are off, or it just could be that I'm getting older.

When I'm alone in a hotel room, I sure do get horny, but I think that is because I associate a hotel room with jacking off, porn, or sexual escapades.  But when at home, I used to "need" to get off at least two or three times a week.  It have been once a week, or every other lately.  When I do have sex with my wife it has been weird as well.  I worry that I can keep it up.  It is not that is the only place it happens.  Even when I'm helping my self it goes soft.  

I know she thinks it is the gay thing, but I think it is something else.  I probably will talk to the doctor about it when I go in for my check up.  I have used the little blue pill before recreationally.  I say that because it was when I was going to a group thing, or when I had a romp that may last more than my penis was able to.  I use a cock ring when I masturbate, and that helps, so I am thinking about introducing that to the bedroom.  But anything out of the ordinary brings up questions.  Where did you get it, how did you know about, when do you use it other that here? 

The other thing that not getting it up or keeping it up brings, is that my wife thinks it is a gay thing, or that I am not interested in her.  I know, I know......   we need to talk about it.  Shit, we are lucky to talk about the other important things that happen through out the day.

Peace.  

Are hook-ups for me?

I'll tell you.  Lately, I have been re-thinking this hook up thing.  When I'm horny, I think about it often.  I remember all of the fun times I have had.  The problem is when I'm horny I don't think about all the close calls, and times that it just wasn't any good.

We have all had the times when we just didn't click with the other guy. Either because he didn't turn us on.  He sucked your tongue down your throat and wouldn't give it back, or was stinky, or you thought he was going to rob you, or you thought the wife would call, or .... or.... or.... or....

I think the thing is I'm not willing or able to take the time it takes to weed out the ones I don't want.  My big head says your not going to do this hook up thing any more, and then when I'm horny and my little head kicks in I am crunched for time, and I take the first thing that comes along.

I'm headed to Nashville in a couple weeks, and I keep thinking I should look around, but it probably won't happen.  When I'm horny, I think I should look at the sites, and make some plans.  But, won't probably do that.

I wish I could just hang it up.  Stick with the porn, the free chat line and the hand.  I usually feel better about that in the end anyway.

Long time

Hey guys!  I have not posted in a long time.  I guess that is a good thing.  I'm really settling back into the married life as a gay man.

So what has been happening?  Well, mostly boring stuff.  I have been traveling, and finding a play partner here and there, but have mostly realized that I need to make sure I keep to a really high standard.  When you get to my age (upper 40s) not just anyone wants to get together, and those that do, you have to make sure they are not dead beats, or ugly, or weird.  I have stayed to real safe stuff.

Personally my wife and I are getting into the groove of our new life, one with running the farm by ourselves and with our daughter in college.  It is pretty stressful without her dad to help with the farm, but in some respects, she needs me more to help out.

So.........  Boring here........  

Cruising the M4W when you really want M4M

A nice guy that I came in contact with from my blog and I have had some great conversations on Google chat, and he told me about one of his tactics to find guys to have fun with.  I haven't tried it, but he cruises the M4W section of Craigslist and sends a nice message to them.

Very nice, like, "How's the luck with the ladies?  Male/30 could take care of you.  Good luck." 

He says he has a 20% success rate or so.   Hmmmmm, I might try.  I love meeting other married guys like he does. 

Post Nuptual Meeting with Attorney

Well my wife has been nudged to get an appointment with the lawyer next week.  Her dad's illness has got her off of dead center.

I wanted her to make this contact. She has the name of the lawyer she wants to use, and I thought it needed to be her deal.  Basically, all we need to do is have an agreement that anything that comes from her family is hers, and anything that comes from my family is mine if we get divorced.  That it will not be split 50-50.

I think this will precipitate her parents giving her the house we live in and the farm around it.  Just like my parents have already given me all the land that is mine.

It will be a good move, and I feel good about it.  I think it will remove the financial pressure if a divorce occurs.  There are still many things in the house that would need to be split, but that will be much easier.

There are also retirement accounts and other financial assets, but all of those were added since the marriage, so those are easy to split and valuate.

Last post about this.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Confusing as Hell

I'll tell you. As soon as I have this figured out, something comes along, and changes my mind. I'm in a pretty happy spot right now, but I can tell my wife is stressed beyond belief. She will say things like "I'm about to break." and "I need to find a good place.". We both are gaining weight, and I'm sure part of it is she is not happy.

I keep saying I'm good with where I'm at. I am but I don't want to be the one that is keeping her in an unhappy place. Also my father in law was just diagnosed with a form of cancer. Chemo should take care of it, but he takes care of so much for us. I think this is putting so much more pressure on her. Her parents are her rock! Remember, they know about me.

I had a 15 or 20 minute talk with an acquaintance today. In the day we used to fuck around with a group of guys, He had been married for 30 years had four kids, and was a preacher. He is now retired and gave me some good advice.

The biggest take home is I sm not going to change. I knew that, but I think my wife needs to know it. I have come to realize that maybe we need a plan. An exit plan if you will.

I also talked about the coming out process with my friend. I told my wife I want to live like I am. And not as a gay man. But aft we taked, I think that may be fine for a while, but I think I will have to actually tell the people I am closest with that I am gay.


Not live a big fat gay life. Just a life, and by the way, I'm gay.

Am I NUTS

Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.  I sat down at my computer this morning at 8:00 started to work on a proposal for a customer. I didn't open my personal computer, or go to my blog, or read other's blog.  No e-mail, no porn.  I started to get withdrawals.  Anyway that is what I am calling it. I have been on the road, and not at my computer all but one day in the last two weeks, and today I am at home working.

My gut has this knot in it because I want to be on my computer.  So of course, here I am I opened up my computer and wrote a little ditty about it.  Will it stop here? I have work to do here.  I should just bust a nut and get the feeling gone, but instead I will just let it eat at me until I can get a release.  This is the biggest challenge of working from home.

Okay... is this an obsession or an addiction.

Edit:::::  20 minutes later, favorite Porn, favorite free chat line.... Ready to work.

Contact with an old friend

I called an old friend the other day.  Over my "wild gay times" he was one of my best buddies, and friends.  I say both because we started out as buddies.  We had many naked fun times together.  One of the best three ways I have ever had he was involved in.  But later on in our "wild gay times"  he became more of a friend, than a buddy.  He wasn't really interested in hooking up anymore.  We would talk on the phone every day.

The calls would usually be about general life stuff.  Work, kids, marriage.  But we would also talk about who we got naked with, what flakes we talked to etc.... It was a great brother/friend relationship.  After I told my wife I was gay, I had to stop calling him.  It was making it hard to continue my straight married life and talk with him.  I just had to cut it off.

Now we talk about twice a year or so.  I called him last week.  It was so good to hear his voice.  Like a brother that was gone for a long time.  I am kind of sad I waited so long.  He has been going through some hard things.  They may all end up being good things, but they are hard for him.   He changed jobs, and also separated from his wife, and getting a divorce.  He has been married as long as I have, but doesn't have any children.  I think he is still deep in the closet as well.


I feel for him... I wish I would have been there.  I know he has other friends. He has a life, but I feel bad I wasn't there for him.  I may go to lunch with him next week.  I will be in his town doing some work, and if we can both get away at the same time I will.

If my wife knew she would SHIT.  She thinks that me having contact with my gay buddies or friends is just like an alcoholic hanging out with their drinking buddies.  I don't think she gets what gay is.  But that is for another time.

Easter Love, Easter Struggle, Easter Forgiveness

I Love Easter.  For me it means a new chance, and a new start.  But what does this new start mean when I know that I will not change my ways.  I know that I will continue to be with men behind my wife's back.  Jesus Died for our sins.  

What I struggle with, is "Did he die for our sins so we can continue to sin over and over and over again?"  The same thing. Continue to do things that you think and you are taught are not moral.  

I struggle with praying in church with images of this man in my head. Literally.  I want a clean mind and heart, but I do not have it.  So I have to continue to believe that God forgives me.

Here is what I always think about.  There are people who continue to gossip, and tell lies, and do not love their neighbors as they do themselves.  They will continue to sin, and do these things.  Will they make it to heaven?  I think I have as much of a shot as they do. 

Easter is about forgiveness.

The Results are in............. I am..............

I was just hopping yesterday that I would get test results early.  I was holding my wife off as long as possible.  I wanted to be safe.  I got the Early Detection Test Results Today.  Valentines Day!  They say

Wow am I happy.  I'm almost so relieved that I want to cry..... I won't.....  

Lesson Learned.

Blood!!!!

I had my blood drawn yesterday for a early detection test for HIV. The whole process has went really smoothly.  I called the company. They sent instructions to pay at 7-11, and Lab instruction.  Went to the lab, and they didn't ask any questions.  They looked at the paper work, and then did the test. (I probably could have used a different name and date of birth, but that makes me more nervous.)  They don't have address or phone number.  I also used a incorrect Zip Code.  Then later went to 7-11.  The clerk didn't quite know how to take the payment, but the instructions for him on the paper were really simple.  I gave him the money and he gave me a receipt.  Now....... I am waiting the results.

I am hopping they come quickly, because I want to have relations with my wife.  I Pray they come before next Tuesday, as it is Valentines day.    

I have been very stand offish with my wife, and we have not be intimate for about three weeks.  This is the longest we have gone for a a while, and I'm sure she is getting anxious about it. I try to cuddle without getting handzy.  I know that she is very unlikely to make the move.  I am actually not in the mood either.  I haven't even made love to myself :) but once a week.  It does help that I am really busy with my two gigs.

So for now.... Waiting... could be tomorrow, or up to 5 days.  I hope they didn't mean business days.

Who am I?

Hey readers.

I've been reading all these great blogs out there, and have found more and more of the bi/gay bloggers are starting to talk about Christianity.  I too am a Christian, and go to church almost every Sunday with my daughter and sometimes my wife.  I sing in the church choir, and it is one of the best parts of my life.

It is a very accepting church, but still based in the gospel.  I love our pastor and parishioners at the church. They fill me up each week.

I have been thinking more and more about living life as a gay man.  Not like most people would, but as I and others I know do. I'm gay. I live the heterosexual life style. Why can that not work?  Why do I need to come OUT?  I know there are many posting about how I am not happy, but that is when I push myself to be someone I'm not, and go to a place I do not want. I don't want to live out.  It scares the hell out of me, and when I think about everyone in my life knowing, it scares me worse.  I want to be who I am right now.

Who am I. I'm a guy who loves men, sexually and emotionally.  I'm a guy who loves my wife and family. I like to be intimate with her. Why, I ask why, should I give all of this up, because some would say it is not normal.  Especially someone who is gay.

Gay people can be judgmental too.  I'm married to a woman.  Live with it.  I was born this way.

Joys and concerns

After church choir practice we always have joys and concerns.  For the most part, the same people are always having trouble, and the same people know about others that are sick or in the hospital.  Someone's child is doing great things.  I always think about what if I were to come out to the world.  Would I have enough guts to tell them, my joys and concerns.  Well hell, I don't even tell them about my joys and concerns in the present.  Why would I tell them this.

Right now I feel a big burden that I feel like sharing with them. The worry that most people, except my immediate family, don't know is that I feel like I am going to be broke for life.  I have this sales job that paid me less than 1/2 of what I was making a year ago.  I am expected to call people all day and sell products and services.  What the company has is great, but is very limited in its scope, and specialized.  I have this pit in my stomach about it.  My wife, and me to some extent, have cut back our spending tremendously, but she has even said, I can't make myself stop till there is nothing.  I guess I will need to continue to tell her there is nothing. 

On the other hand, our little family is doing pretty well emotionally.  We have been through a lot over the last year.  Me being in the hospital for a week for my appendix blow up.  Three hospital outings for the jelly bean of a kidney stone, and then there was my mom's scare surgery and recovery.  But I think this has brought me to realize the one thing I have in my life that is great is my wife.

She has stuck with me through all the crap I have thrown in her face.  She should have ducked and ran a long time ago.  Why has she stayed with me?  Why the fuck does she care so much about a gay, almost jobless, sometimes lazy guy like me? 






 LOVE.... does she really love me that much?  Why?  



I don't even let her in and know me.  How do I start telling her more about who I am, and what I think?

The other questions is should I?  I shouldn't have to ask that questions, but it has been so hard to let someone in as far as I have, maybe we should have a "peel off the band aid" talk and go the rest of the way.  But things seem pretty good now and I don't want to do the peeling.

The Christmas Season brings so many Joys and Concerns to the surface. 

Joys:

1. Health
2. I have a job
3. Family who loves us
4. Safety and warm house
5. Talented daughter
6. Concerned Friends

Concerns:

1. Future as a family
2. Making ends meet
3. Family that loves the me they know.
4. A job that is uncertain
5. Daughters future college and pressures
6. Wife's mental well being
7. Keeping the sexuality part of my life a secret

Making this list was good.  They all kind of wipe themselves out.  But that last one that just came to my fingers. Number 7.   Why is it just making the balance look so uneven. 

Live your life!!!!   No regrets any more. 

Love  -  Peace  -

Merry Christmas