One more encounter with the "Shit, Shit, Shit" guy

No I don't mean the real shit.  I had to interact with the guy from the post "Shit, Shit, Shit".  End's up he is a councilor at my daughters camp.  As we walked in to register, he was at the table with 4 other friendly faces.  I kind of backed up, and let my daughter take care of most of the checking in as I stood with my wife.  The kid got up quickly when he saw me.


He moved back to the tee shirts, that he was responsible for, so I couldn't tell if he got up because he was interested in be efficient with his job, or because he saw me, and recognized me.  I know he recognized me.  How could he not.....

He did give my daughter an awkward hug, and the strange interaction didn't take long.  So it was a weird day.  He is kind of a shy kid anyway, but I still have a worry that he will be forced by his conscious to say something to someone, who will not be so quiet.  Just a bad thing...........

Also the first time we took my daughter to this camp 4 years ago, is when I told my wife I was gay.  We(mostly my wife.) make sure we are super busy after we drop her off, to keep our minds off of that crazy day.....

We also talked about the pre-nup again, which is of course brought on by her father being ill.  I think it is a good thing, and will bring up some discussion.

I will also be out of town for two nights this week.  My wife will have some alone time to think.  I hope she slows down enough to do some thinking about life.

Confusing as Hell

I'll tell you. As soon as I have this figured out, something comes along, and changes my mind. I'm in a pretty happy spot right now, but I can tell my wife is stressed beyond belief. She will say things like "I'm about to break." and "I need to find a good place.". We both are gaining weight, and I'm sure part of it is she is not happy.

I keep saying I'm good with where I'm at. I am but I don't want to be the one that is keeping her in an unhappy place. Also my father in law was just diagnosed with a form of cancer. Chemo should take care of it, but he takes care of so much for us. I think this is putting so much more pressure on her. Her parents are her rock! Remember, they know about me.

I had a 15 or 20 minute talk with an acquaintance today. In the day we used to fuck around with a group of guys, He had been married for 30 years had four kids, and was a preacher. He is now retired and gave me some good advice.

The biggest take home is I sm not going to change. I knew that, but I think my wife needs to know it. I have come to realize that maybe we need a plan. An exit plan if you will.

I also talked about the coming out process with my friend. I told my wife I want to live like I am. And not as a gay man. But aft we taked, I think that may be fine for a while, but I think I will have to actually tell the people I am closest with that I am gay.


Not live a big fat gay life. Just a life, and by the way, I'm gay.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Okay...  Look up "liar" This is what you will find:

World English Dictionary

 liar ('lare) ---n    a person who has lied or lies repeatedly

Word Origin & History

liar  O.E. leogere; agent noun from Anglian legan, W. Saxon leogan "be untruthfule, lie"

Well.  My wife HATES liars.  She always has always will.  Who's to blame her.  I don't.  She believes in her mind, she has never told a lie, and never will.  Well.  Yes I have lied.  I admit it.  I will probably lie again.  When you are in the closet, aren't you ling all the time? Examples:

 

 

1. A "friend" says to you as he looks at a hot chick and you are looking at the man they are with, "Boy I'd like to get into that. Wouldn't you?"  I raise my eye brows, or make an affirmative nod with my head.

2. Someone says, "I didn't think you would ever get married." You respond, knowing what they really mean, "What does that mean?"

3. Your wife asks on the phone while you are on a trip watching porn, "Whatcha doing?"  You respond, "Watching TV." 

4. The mom of a teenage daughter asks, "Did you stop anywhere?" and daughter says, "No." You say, "Starbucks." Daughter says, "Oh Yeah, I did stop there."

Well over the last two weeks my daughter has made slight delays, or what I would call defensive answering with my wife.  The last one referred to 4. above.  My wife went off the deep end.  Screaming you are ling.  You always lie. This is the biggest fit I think I have seen my wife throw for years.  I told her to calm down, she didn't see Starbucks drive through as stopping.  Well my daughter left as was best, and then I got the onslaught of being a liar, and asking if we needed to revisit every lie I have ever told.  She went to her room.

My daughter and I were on pins and needles the rest of the night.  Earlier, I wanted to even get it on, but I knew that wouldn't happen.  We were talking about 10 year plans, retirement, etc. But,  I stayed clear of her, only interacting when needed the rest of the night. 

Today.  All is okay.  We haven't mentioned it again.

I'm not saying my wife is bad.  Don't hate on me.  I think that she has always been an over achiever when it comes to life.  She thinks all has to be perfect.  All lies are the same, not telling all the story is a lie.  I have made it much worse for her.  I am a liar, I'm good at it.  Hell..... I'm in the closet. In her book, I lie every day. 

I'm struggling with the lie right now.  I can continue to lie.  I'm okay with it.  I just don't know how healthy it is. 

I love her. NO LIE. It is true.  No really I do.  I do love her.  Honestly. Scouts Honor.

Wow, I get why it is so hard for her.   I have to continue to remind her, and let her know in small ways. I heard on a show that says you must say it at least five times a day for 10 days.  Well maybe I should get started.

And ohhh... I've been wanting to say this Since I started typing

"TAIL AS LONG AS A TELEPHONE WIRE."

Liar

Scared in the closet

Recently I was volunteering for an organization in my town.  We have an event that we dress up and "scare" people.  Have a haunted "house."  The event requires the people participating to stay sitting as we walk around and interact with the people in costume for about an hour.  They are usually not in costume.

Well the other night there were about 4 gay couples on this "ride".  They had all came together and were dressed pretty nice.  (Several in white. I didn't get that.  It was a haunted ride and they were in white?)  They were displaying affection, in a very nice way.  I think that was fine, didn't bother anyone around me that I could see, or hear.  After all there were many hetro people on the ride that did the same thing.  I thought that was great and refreshing even. 

I think what became unnerving for some was that their conversations had to be about sex, and cocks. I was standing staring them down, because that is what my character did.... and they were hot. One of the  guy's who I would say was very fem, and was probably the mouthiest, said something about the last cock he had and that it was big and not cut. His partner put his legs up in the air, exposing his ass, implying that I should give it to him. I think it got worse later on in the evening, but I had moved on. I know they had been drinking and were a little loose with the lips, but most of it was uncalled for. There were children on the ride as well, not sitting too close, but they were on the ride.

I actually didn't mind it, (You know I wanted to join in, but we were in a public place, and I knew all of the people volunteering.) but the fact that this is how most people perceive gay men is what keeps many of us scared Midwesterners in the closet.  If I am out, I don't want to be one of the obnoxious loud gay guys. I want to live my life as I did before, why does it have to be so obvious that I'm gay.  I want to sit on the ride, and if I don't hold the hand of the partner I'm with know one would really know.  It is not because I'm ashamed, it would be because I'm not all about public display of affection.  Especially when there are kids around.

So Yep I'm scared in the closet. 






Thanks to Ray's Cowboys for the pics.