In The Darkroom

PS.  Not my high school.

My last post I wrote about if I was really gay.  Well......  I still struggle some days, because how "normal" things are, but I know who I really am.  But all of this thinking,took me back to when I was a Sophomore in high school. 

I was on the high school yearbook staff. I did alot of photography.  That was in the day of 35 mm film and processing black and white film in the dark room.  I had an assignment to take pictures of the FFA putting up playground equipment.  I went and took pictures of these upperclassmen working.  Some even took off their shirts.  I don't think I acted excited, but I know I was. I snapped some pictures.  Later on it was time to develop and look at what I had shot. 

I went to the dark room.  It was next to the cafeteria, which used to be a gym, and down some steps.  The room used to be part of a locker room, converted as storage, and the dark room. It was locked, and very few people had a key to the room.  If someone entered, they always knocked, not to shed light on someones work.  Well the film was developed, and now it was time to print the pictures.  Getting the cropping just right, and the lighting just right. 

I had several pictures that were just right. For me anyway.  Shirtless guys, sexy, and working hard.  I blew some of them up, but of course had to be careful to not keep any of those in plain sight.  I think that dark room session alone, was a very erotic one, if you get my drift.  One of the pictures made the layout, and I still remember it to this day. 

Did I "know" I was gay.  yeah.   Did I admit it. NO.  As you can tell I'm still struggling with that 30 years later.  Still in the DARKROOM here.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Okay...  Look up "liar" This is what you will find:

World English Dictionary

 liar ('lare) ---n    a person who has lied or lies repeatedly

Word Origin & History

liar  O.E. leogere; agent noun from Anglian legan, W. Saxon leogan "be untruthfule, lie"

Well.  My wife HATES liars.  She always has always will.  Who's to blame her.  I don't.  She believes in her mind, she has never told a lie, and never will.  Well.  Yes I have lied.  I admit it.  I will probably lie again.  When you are in the closet, aren't you ling all the time? Examples:

 

 

1. A "friend" says to you as he looks at a hot chick and you are looking at the man they are with, "Boy I'd like to get into that. Wouldn't you?"  I raise my eye brows, or make an affirmative nod with my head.

2. Someone says, "I didn't think you would ever get married." You respond, knowing what they really mean, "What does that mean?"

3. Your wife asks on the phone while you are on a trip watching porn, "Whatcha doing?"  You respond, "Watching TV." 

4. The mom of a teenage daughter asks, "Did you stop anywhere?" and daughter says, "No." You say, "Starbucks." Daughter says, "Oh Yeah, I did stop there."

Well over the last two weeks my daughter has made slight delays, or what I would call defensive answering with my wife.  The last one referred to 4. above.  My wife went off the deep end.  Screaming you are ling.  You always lie. This is the biggest fit I think I have seen my wife throw for years.  I told her to calm down, she didn't see Starbucks drive through as stopping.  Well my daughter left as was best, and then I got the onslaught of being a liar, and asking if we needed to revisit every lie I have ever told.  She went to her room.

My daughter and I were on pins and needles the rest of the night.  Earlier, I wanted to even get it on, but I knew that wouldn't happen.  We were talking about 10 year plans, retirement, etc. But,  I stayed clear of her, only interacting when needed the rest of the night. 

Today.  All is okay.  We haven't mentioned it again.

I'm not saying my wife is bad.  Don't hate on me.  I think that she has always been an over achiever when it comes to life.  She thinks all has to be perfect.  All lies are the same, not telling all the story is a lie.  I have made it much worse for her.  I am a liar, I'm good at it.  Hell..... I'm in the closet. In her book, I lie every day. 

I'm struggling with the lie right now.  I can continue to lie.  I'm okay with it.  I just don't know how healthy it is. 

I love her. NO LIE. It is true.  No really I do.  I do love her.  Honestly. Scouts Honor.

Wow, I get why it is so hard for her.   I have to continue to remind her, and let her know in small ways. I heard on a show that says you must say it at least five times a day for 10 days.  Well maybe I should get started.

And ohhh... I've been wanting to say this Since I started typing

"TAIL AS LONG AS A TELEPHONE WIRE."

Liar

Scared in the closet

Recently I was volunteering for an organization in my town.  We have an event that we dress up and "scare" people.  Have a haunted "house."  The event requires the people participating to stay sitting as we walk around and interact with the people in costume for about an hour.  They are usually not in costume.

Well the other night there were about 4 gay couples on this "ride".  They had all came together and were dressed pretty nice.  (Several in white. I didn't get that.  It was a haunted ride and they were in white?)  They were displaying affection, in a very nice way.  I think that was fine, didn't bother anyone around me that I could see, or hear.  After all there were many hetro people on the ride that did the same thing.  I thought that was great and refreshing even. 

I think what became unnerving for some was that their conversations had to be about sex, and cocks. I was standing staring them down, because that is what my character did.... and they were hot. One of the  guy's who I would say was very fem, and was probably the mouthiest, said something about the last cock he had and that it was big and not cut. His partner put his legs up in the air, exposing his ass, implying that I should give it to him. I think it got worse later on in the evening, but I had moved on. I know they had been drinking and were a little loose with the lips, but most of it was uncalled for. There were children on the ride as well, not sitting too close, but they were on the ride.

I actually didn't mind it, (You know I wanted to join in, but we were in a public place, and I knew all of the people volunteering.) but the fact that this is how most people perceive gay men is what keeps many of us scared Midwesterners in the closet.  If I am out, I don't want to be one of the obnoxious loud gay guys. I want to live my life as I did before, why does it have to be so obvious that I'm gay.  I want to sit on the ride, and if I don't hold the hand of the partner I'm with know one would really know.  It is not because I'm ashamed, it would be because I'm not all about public display of affection.  Especially when there are kids around.

So Yep I'm scared in the closet. 






Thanks to Ray's Cowboys for the pics.

Stuck- Not allowed to complain, or get upset.

Hey all,  I may have written about this before, but more and more, I find that I'm stuck. I many times want to ask my wife to do something different, or get mad because of the way she says something.  She often will say, "Well that is a stupid question.  You should have known that." 

Last night was an example.  She gave me grief about a task I asked her about, and I got upset at her, for being mean and disrespectful in her reply.  I didn't just shut my mouth, as I usually do, but continued to tell her I didn't like it when she made me feel stupid.  Her reply is, "I don't like lots of things about you and I have to just live with them.  So I don't care." 

So now I'm back to this wimpy kid, that is hiding something, and I have to relys on her to keep my secret.  I can't express what I feel, because she always has that "One Secret"...  the Ace that trumps everything. 

I don't want out really.  I love where I live, who I live with, everything just the way it is.  Ohhh yeah, except that I want to have emotional feelings and a connection with a man.... ohhh yeah, I forgot about that one....  I always think,  "I've suppressed it this long, and am able to cure it from time to time with a one night thing.  Why can't I just continue?"

I'm Stuck --------

Awkward!!!!!!!!!!!

A little story.....

My wife and I went to an event recently with a friend of ours.  I was sitting next to the friend, and my wife was on the other side of me.  My friend started to talk about an acquaintance we both had in common.  Several years earlier he had left his wife for a man, and came out of the closet. My friend said, "That is so weird.  I feel so sorry for the wife." My female friend, didn't have a clue, and I don't know if she said it loud enough for my wife to hear, but I just said, yeah, and changed the subject quickly.

My wife and I never talked about it, I hope she didn't hear it.

Happily Divorced!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been a while since I have written down my thoughts.  My extended family life has been a bit hectic.  I have had deaths in the family and others with medical issues.  It has kept life interesting.  It also has made for good conversations between my wife and I.  They have not been around the "elephant in the room."  As she would put it.  But about life, and happiness and life and death.  Good stuff that brings us closer.

She did mention the other day if I have seen the show Happily Divorced.  I knew what she was talking about, but of course I said, "NO."  That was two fold.  No I haven't seen it, and No, I don't want to talk about it.  There are days that I would like it if we would become Happily Divorced.  But when we first started this conversation years ago, she said that if we were to split, she would not keep the secret.  The secret that is eating at both of us, and that we both think needs to stay a secret.

This puts me in an awful position.  If I want to stay in the closet, I have to stay with her.  I do believe that if we divorced, I would want to stay in the closet.  I don't want the fact that I'm gay to be the reason that we split. But she wants everyone to know that it was NOT her fault we split.  She wants everyone to know that I was the bad guy. Do you understand the burden that places on me.  Even if I wanted out of the marriage, I would have to get out of the closet at the same time. 

Now why do I want to stay in the closet you may ask?  I think in the Midwest, in my job, in my extended family situation, it is best.  Will that ever change?  maybe.....

That brings me back to the extended family issues.  I lost my beloved grandmother recently.  I thought in the back of my mind, I could not come out while she is alive.  That would be too difficult for me and for her. This grief is now tainted with guilt, and questions.  I'm not at the point I want to come out, or be divorced, but will I think it is easier?

Be safe.

You are not alone.