Gay and Perfection

Body perfection in the gay community is a big issue.  Gay men are looking for that perfect gay body. Well, I hooked up with a gay man last week with a man who's body is not perfect.  He had a beautiful picture, but when we talked on the phone, I found out that he was in a wheel chair.  He had a spinal cord injury and had no feeling from his knees down.

I agreed to meet him, but was nervous about what would come of it. I enjoyed my time with him, but I found that he was very needy.  I don't know if that was because of his abilities, or if that was just who he was.  There were some awkward moments as well.  I didn't spend a lot of time talking with him, but would have liked to.  I wonder how being in a wheel chair limits the men he is with, and if the gay community wants more of a perfect body.  

I hate to compare it to being too fat or other body imperfections, but I wonder if it limits the number of men who are interested.   

Just a discussion....

Here is Colby Keller's interview with a gay guy with CP.  Very interesting to listen to.

The snow is piling up outside............. Am I a sex addict?

I know...  Two titles in one, but My mind goes from normal to things most would not consider normal in a heartbeat.

First comment.  I'm in the Midwest, and today we have gotten over 8 inches of snow. (Yes I said 8 inches.  And not the internet gay profile 8 inches. The real 8 inches.)  I hope we can keep up with it, as it continues to come down.  Life on the farm is not easy when you have to push snow out of the way.

Next I wonder... Am I a Pornoholic and sex addict.

Here is the thing.  I don't think I really could go very long with out porn.  I get bored, or stressed, and I turn to porn.  I'm alone, I turn to porn.  That in turn moves to thinking about hooking up and looking on adam4adam. Which usually has me looking for the next hookup in the next town I'm going to.

I will tell you that I have not hooked up much in the last three years.  Maybe once every 6 months or so.  But now I am craving it more, and I know that porn fuels it.  Why don't I just have sex with my wife.   I could, but I enjoy the porn JO almost as much.  I have done it for 35 years, and love it.  

I did sign up for Tony Lister's Porn Addiction process, but I'm not ready to watch one hour a week, and I'm not ready to commit to the "I have a problem".  I don't know when that will be, but I'm not ready for it.

PS... I should be working, but I'm not watching porn.  But I must confess that I did look at my adam4adam account to check on my e-mails for my trip next week.   ughhhhh....  

Thanks for listening to the ramble.

Trying to work

I need to be pressured to get work done.

For what ever reason, I do most of my work when I'm under pressure of a timeline.  So, here I am on my computer typing, when I have numerous things to do.

I am going to put off my self pleasure for the day, and do some work.  Wish me luck.

Stay up late on computer

During my hay day of cruising and hooking up, I would stay up late on the computer watching porn and cruising adds as  my wife slept. Last night, my wife went to be early and I stayed up late.  I was on the computer, but I was actually doing book work.  I didn't even check my private e-mail or cruise sites.

Part of the reason is that I work from home, and do it during the day, but the other thing, I know that my wife would be really worried if I was up late, and I wanted to be "clean".

I do try to be very considerate of what will set off triggers for her, and late night on the computer is one of them.  I recently bought a new TV for the basement, but I don't feel like I can go down there and watch TV without her, because she may think I'm up to something.  She has this habit of going to the bedroom to watch TV early, and I hate to go to the bedroom unless it is for sleep or sex. So I tell her this, and sit in the other room to watch TV.

Other news.  I think we are going to start eating better.  I need to loose about 25 lbs.  Last time was on the low carb diet, but my wife wants to try just healthier.  We will see how it works.  My only worry is that I will feel more comfortable with my body, and be more likely to show it off and hook up.  I guess we will see if I can loose the weight first, then we will worry about the next problem.

Peace!

Two Men Hugging

I watched the video of Maclemore and Ryan Lewis for the first time today... Really had never heard it before.  I know I'm lost in another world.

Well it was magnificent.  When I was watching the Grammy's I was glad that it was not live, so I could fast forward through it.  I was with my wife.

Great song, and so true.  I'm living the problem.  The most powerful part of the video is when the two men hug, and you know that is what it feels like to be right with the world.



Things are still good, I just hope that others don't have to continue to go through what I have.

Love to all.

Long time

Hey guys!  I have not posted in a long time.  I guess that is a good thing.  I'm really settling back into the married life as a gay man.

So what has been happening?  Well, mostly boring stuff.  I have been traveling, and finding a play partner here and there, but have mostly realized that I need to make sure I keep to a really high standard.  When you get to my age (upper 40s) not just anyone wants to get together, and those that do, you have to make sure they are not dead beats, or ugly, or weird.  I have stayed to real safe stuff.

Personally my wife and I are getting into the groove of our new life, one with running the farm by ourselves and with our daughter in college.  It is pretty stressful without her dad to help with the farm, but in some respects, she needs me more to help out.

So.........  Boring here........  

When I'm in a funk Sexuality is just a minor thing

Life has changed completely around my house.... as school came around, my daughter went off to college as a freshman.  She is doing well, and I'm glad we raised such a great young woman... I am proud of her.

My wife started to work at the school, so is gone all day...............  Yay.... more income....

My father in law passed away several weeks ago.  No one popping in the house as I work to chat, or bring the mail by.......  He was a wonderful man. Sad, Sad, Day.

So as you can tell, it has been a change.  I liked it for a day or two, but I am having a hard time getting motivated to do anything.  I have a ton of work to do, as I was out for a couple of weeks, and now have reports to write.

I kind of feel sluggish, and am worried that depression or too much loneliness will set in.  I don't think I'm to that point yet. Lets just say that all of these things has put me in a funk...........  I don't think that people would say that is me. But I have been forgetting things, walking around in a fog.  One quick story about this.

I was in an office talking with someone about and helping to plan my father in laws "gathering". (He didn't want a funeral, so I call it a gathering.)  It was a very emotional day for me. I could have cried if you looked at me the right way.  I got in my car and was driving down the street.  I looked at some mail quickly, and when I looked up I saw I was in the middle of a cross walk, and there were two or three students standing around me looking at me.   I slammed on my brakes, but could see I was safe to not hit anyone, so I went on through the intersection.  We live in a college town, and this was right by a dorm, and students were headed to and from classes.  I was completely shaken, and lucky nothing happened.  It was like I had zoned out completely.

Well it scared the shit out of me.  I went home, and just sat down.  I am doing much better, but still focusing on one thing at a time has been really hard... I don't even know why I got here to write this. I clicked on a spreadsheet to work on, it took to long so I clicked on my e-mail and decided to go to Blogger.  I didn't plan on it. It isn't on my list of things I need to get done today.

Now to bring it around to the title.  My sexuality doesn't mean much to me today, I am here just worrying about getting the next task done.  Making sure my wife is doing okay with the loss of her father.  She would say, the one person who has never done her wrong.  We are both just so sad and in a funk right now.  I do hug her a lot, listen to her and am trying to be there for her, but the fact that I'm gay has NOTHING to do with that.  She is the most important thing to me right now.  This is all that I have left around here that is normal.  It is now when I'm gay means nothing more than it is part of me just like I have a hairy chest, and nothing to be worried about.

I may write more later.

PS. no need to tell me to go get help.  My wife and I do have a therapist, we need to make another appointment, and we will talk through it together....

I love the support of my blogger brothers.

Take care.