I'm so Gay.

I'm sitting here watching Glee graduation episode.  Eyes have already watered twice.  I'm so Gay!

And then there is this!!!!!!

The Bible and Homosexuality

This is a very long discussion about the bible and homosexuality.  Let me know what you think.

Am I NUTS

Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.  I sat down at my computer this morning at 8:00 started to work on a proposal for a customer. I didn't open my personal computer, or go to my blog, or read other's blog.  No e-mail, no porn.  I started to get withdrawals.  Anyway that is what I am calling it. I have been on the road, and not at my computer all but one day in the last two weeks, and today I am at home working.

My gut has this knot in it because I want to be on my computer.  So of course, here I am I opened up my computer and wrote a little ditty about it.  Will it stop here? I have work to do here.  I should just bust a nut and get the feeling gone, but instead I will just let it eat at me until I can get a release.  This is the biggest challenge of working from home.

Okay... is this an obsession or an addiction.

Edit:::::  20 minutes later, favorite Porn, favorite free chat line.... Ready to work.

Contact with an old friend

I called an old friend the other day.  Over my "wild gay times" he was one of my best buddies, and friends.  I say both because we started out as buddies.  We had many naked fun times together.  One of the best three ways I have ever had he was involved in.  But later on in our "wild gay times"  he became more of a friend, than a buddy.  He wasn't really interested in hooking up anymore.  We would talk on the phone every day.

The calls would usually be about general life stuff.  Work, kids, marriage.  But we would also talk about who we got naked with, what flakes we talked to etc.... It was a great brother/friend relationship.  After I told my wife I was gay, I had to stop calling him.  It was making it hard to continue my straight married life and talk with him.  I just had to cut it off.

Now we talk about twice a year or so.  I called him last week.  It was so good to hear his voice.  Like a brother that was gone for a long time.  I am kind of sad I waited so long.  He has been going through some hard things.  They may all end up being good things, but they are hard for him.   He changed jobs, and also separated from his wife, and getting a divorce.  He has been married as long as I have, but doesn't have any children.  I think he is still deep in the closet as well.


I feel for him... I wish I would have been there.  I know he has other friends. He has a life, but I feel bad I wasn't there for him.  I may go to lunch with him next week.  I will be in his town doing some work, and if we can both get away at the same time I will.

If my wife knew she would SHIT.  She thinks that me having contact with my gay buddies or friends is just like an alcoholic hanging out with their drinking buddies.  I don't think she gets what gay is.  But that is for another time.

Post Secret

I love to listen to TED speakers. I just downloaded the app for my iPad.  I have tried to watch one daily.  They only take 10 minutes.  A person from my home town, who has inspired me, sent me a link to a TED video.  He knows my secret, but doesn't know who I am.  I think it scares him to have my secret, because he doesn't know who I am.  I know his family real well.  I think he is a little weirded out by me. Because I am an unknown.  I think if he knew who I was would could be friends, but right now I don't want to drag him into the drama.

Okay now to this TED video. I think I want to do this..... Watch this video...............Frank Warren's Half a Million Secrets.  Then after you wipe your eyes.... come back and find out about my secret.

Here is Frank's Response to one of persons commenting on the video.  I think he is very insightful, and I love his last sentence.  "Secrets can be walls or bridges."  I think I have let mine be a wall, and even when I let my wife in on it, it continued to be a wall and not the bridge that it could and maybe should be.

Frank Warren 50+

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TED SPEAKER

Apr 9 2012: Thanks for your thoughtful comment about my talk Michael. 

I wonder if the reason so many young people mail secrets to PostSecret is because some of the institutions that were there for for their parents have changed. The mental health industry is focused much more today on chemical solutions than the talking cure. Church membership among young people continues to decline and even families with two wage earners can be pressed to find time to really be present and listen to each other. 

As a parent I know it's tough to get my daughter to really share her inner-self with me, but I know if I tell her one of my real secrets first that helps.

Secrets can be walls or bridges.
-Frank

My secret............. I'm afraid it will continue to be a secret, unless someone pushes me out in to the on coming traffic.  I   get a minor (very minor) panic attack when I think about everyone in my life knowing.  

Reading the blogs here have helped me to know that life will be okay if everyone knows, but it will be different. 

Let me know your thoughts about the secret......  

 Is yours a wall or a bridge? 

Easter Love, Easter Struggle, Easter Forgiveness

I Love Easter.  For me it means a new chance, and a new start.  But what does this new start mean when I know that I will not change my ways.  I know that I will continue to be with men behind my wife's back.  Jesus Died for our sins.  

What I struggle with, is "Did he die for our sins so we can continue to sin over and over and over again?"  The same thing. Continue to do things that you think and you are taught are not moral.  

I struggle with praying in church with images of this man in my head. Literally.  I want a clean mind and heart, but I do not have it.  So I have to continue to believe that God forgives me.

Here is what I always think about.  There are people who continue to gossip, and tell lies, and do not love their neighbors as they do themselves.  They will continue to sin, and do these things.  Will they make it to heaven?  I think I have as much of a shot as they do. 

Easter is about forgiveness.

New Underwear

 I need some new underwear....

I think these would do. Actually I like trunks....

The weird thing is my wife gets upset when ever I talk about new underwear.  She thinks I am trying to look good for someone else.  There are other things I would like but can't because she sees each of the "new" things as going out of the box, and it reminds her of changes I made before I told her I was gay.  She doesn't want any changes.

My daughter and I talked about tattoos the other day.  I told her I would take one.  She told my wife, and she said, "Since when did you decide you wanted a tattoo?"

I said, "I told you that I would take one over the heart, and exactly what I would want it to be."  She denies it, but I have told her at least two or three times.  She just blocks out any change.

So for now, no new jewelry.  I want a new ring or bracelet.  I don't wear either now.  No new underwear, unless she is around when I do it and the others have holes in them.  No tattoos.  No new shoes....
Waaaa!  Waaaa!