Monday, July 18, 2011

Stuck- Not allowed to complain, or get upset.

Hey all,  I may have written about this before, but more and more, I find that I'm stuck. I many times want to ask my wife to do something different, or get mad because of the way she says something.  She often will say, "Well that is a stupid question.  You should have known that." 

Last night was an example.  She gave me grief about a task I asked her about, and I got upset at her, for being mean and disrespectful in her reply.  I didn't just shut my mouth, as I usually do, but continued to tell her I didn't like it when she made me feel stupid.  Her reply is, "I don't like lots of things about you and I have to just live with them.  So I don't care." 

So now I'm back to this wimpy kid, that is hiding something, and I have to relys on her to keep my secret.  I can't express what I feel, because she always has that "One Secret"...  the Ace that trumps everything. 

I don't want out really.  I love where I live, who I live with, everything just the way it is.  Ohhh yeah, except that I want to have emotional feelings and a connection with a man.... ohhh yeah, I forgot about that one....  I always think,  "I've suppressed it this long, and am able to cure it from time to time with a one night thing.  Why can't I just continue?"

I'm Stuck --------

Monday, July 11, 2011

Anniversary of my wife being burdened with the secret

Busy.  My wife has to stay Busy.  This was true even before the Secret.  But now, it is necessity for her.  She has to do it to keep sane.  I know if she stops to think or rest, her mind will go to the big secret I have laid at her feet, and has moved up to her heart.  

I know how much she loves me, and I sometime wonder if leaving her would be the best thing for her.  She could let go of worrying about me.  I pray for her every day. I hope she finds peace in us staying together.  I want her to know how conflicted I am, but I'm afraid to talk to her about it.  How much more honest can I be to her.  Should I tell her my daily feelings, thoughts? 

I want to talk, but don't want to be put on the spot, and relive being an immoral person.  Cheating, not being true to my vows. 

Wow is this a gibberish post. 

We need some focus in our lives.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Summer Curse.

Summer is such a curse.   I have always hated it since I was a young boy.  I didn't like working on the farm, I didn't like the heat, or the sunscreen, or sunburns.  I just wanted to be inside.  Maybe the worst thing now is that there are all these beautiful men running around with their shirts off.   

You may think that is a glorious thing, but for a gay man in the closet it is a curse.  You want to stare, but you can't...... someone might notice you staring.  I hate driving down the road with someone in my family, and we get close to a gorgeous bare chested man. I look, but very quickly, sometimes out of the corner of my eye.
Then there is the part about going home all horned up. No way to take care of the feeling that a cold shower wouldn't even cure. 

I guess I will live with it, but dang it is hard.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


A little story.....

My wife and I went to an event recently with a friend of ours.  I was sitting next to the friend, and my wife was on the other side of me.  My friend started to talk about an acquaintance we both had in common.  Several years earlier he had left his wife for a man, and came out of the closet. My friend said, "That is so weird.  I feel so sorry for the wife." My female friend, didn't have a clue, and I don't know if she said it loud enough for my wife to hear, but I just said, yeah, and changed the subject quickly.

My wife and I never talked about it, I hope she didn't hear it.

Happily Divorced!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been a while since I have written down my thoughts.  My extended family life has been a bit hectic.  I have had deaths in the family and others with medical issues.  It has kept life interesting.  It also has made for good conversations between my wife and I.  They have not been around the "elephant in the room."  As she would put it.  But about life, and happiness and life and death.  Good stuff that brings us closer.

She did mention the other day if I have seen the show Happily Divorced.  I knew what she was talking about, but of course I said, "NO."  That was two fold.  No I haven't seen it, and No, I don't want to talk about it.  There are days that I would like it if we would become Happily Divorced.  But when we first started this conversation years ago, she said that if we were to split, she would not keep the secret.  The secret that is eating at both of us, and that we both think needs to stay a secret.

This puts me in an awful position.  If I want to stay in the closet, I have to stay with her.  I do believe that if we divorced, I would want to stay in the closet.  I don't want the fact that I'm gay to be the reason that we split. But she wants everyone to know that it was NOT her fault we split.  She wants everyone to know that I was the bad guy. Do you understand the burden that places on me.  Even if I wanted out of the marriage, I would have to get out of the closet at the same time. 

Now why do I want to stay in the closet you may ask?  I think in the Midwest, in my job, in my extended family situation, it is best.  Will that ever change?  maybe.....

That brings me back to the extended family issues.  I lost my beloved grandmother recently.  I thought in the back of my mind, I could not come out while she is alive.  That would be too difficult for me and for her. This grief is now tainted with guilt, and questions.  I'm not at the point I want to come out, or be divorced, but will I think it is easier?

Be safe.

You are not alone.