Friday, March 30, 2012


When my wife gets really emotional, it all comes out, and I am always lost for words.  I don't know how to communicate and I shut down.

Well today, my wife comes into the house.  I was working in the kitchen and making some soup.  She is hot sweaty and I could tell she was upset.  She and her dad had gotten in a fight about things around the "farm."  I use the word "farm" because it is a hobby farm.  It was about money really... and that he was tired of spending money on her hobby.  That is really irrelevant to the point of the whole story, but it put her mood and other words into perspective.

She says that nothing in her life is in order, and that we are a scam.  I only said, "I think you are wrong, this is not a scam." I said, "I love you."  She says that sometimes she wants to get in the car and drive off and not come back.

I don't know how to help her.  I sometimes carry the blame for all that is bad in our family.  I caused her to question who we are.  I made her not secure in her future.  I just wish I knew how or could make it all better.  That is what men do. We fix it.  I think she was a little better before she left.  I will meet her early evening.  She will better, hopefully the evening will go better.

As I told you we are going away this weekend, and my daughter is leaving town for a fun church group outing.  So it should be fun.  We are also going to the PBR bull riding this weekend.  Can we say:

On another note, last night my daughter found out that someone is not taking her to prom.  She was so upset.  I hate to see my family hurting.  I hurt for her.  She is better today, but I know she is searching for acceptance, and friendship.  I want to make her feel better.

I think this all flows to why I'm in the closet.  I don't want to hurt anyone, and want everyone to feel good.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Men on My Mind

It has been bothering me lately that I can't get it out of my mind.  I drive down the street, and I see all humans, well mostly men, as sexual beings. Back in the day, I remember reading that this is all about porn, and it is what porn does to you.  It makes you see all people as a sexual person first.

I do.  I see a guy walk into a restaurant, and I think about what his cock looks like, what he looks like naked.  If he has ever gotten a blow job from another guy.  I don't think about things like what he does for a living, where he lives, or what he is going to order.  I go straight to I wonder if he will have sex with me.

Sometimes I get really annoyed with it.  Especially in the professional setting.  I am currently doing consulting in an office, and one of the main people who is my contact is fucking HOT.  He is stressed out, and needs someone to help him through his job, but every time I see him I think about holding him in my arms, and relieving the stress.  Feeling his naked body.  It is not just because he is hot.  I think about it with old guys, or guys who have a gut.  It is just the first thing I see them as.

I wonder if I would think this way if I had never started to watch porn, or if it is just how my brain is wired.

This weekend I get to spend time with my wife.  We are staying at a 4 star hotel "downtown" and taking in some events.  It should be fun.

I am a little worried about sex.  I don't know why.  I just find it nerve racking.  We have not had sex much in the last three months.  Mostly because she has been sick, or I didn't push it because of my concerns.  Actually since my first trip to Orlando which was January 15th, we have had sex once.  Once a month doesn't seem like much.  I have had sex with that many men in that time period.

I think it will go fine.  Just always nervous when we go away together.  I think part if it that I think she will want to "talk".  I hate "talking", even though I know we should do more of it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

THIS is what I'm talking about

As you know, the other night I went to my first gay bar. It was okay and I met s guy, we connected, but it wasn't meant to be. But all in all, it was a fun experience. Well I went back the next night. This night looked more promising when I entered. There we more guys, and they looked a little more my type. I orders my beer and found a place to sit down. I said a quick, "I've never heard that song before,".

After my first beer, I went outside to drink my second one. The were four guys standing around talking, and every now and again another guy would come out and walk through the "back". A few said hi, but moved along. I finished my beer and left. Smelling like smoke again. I was a little bumbed and felt like I was in college again, and leaving the bar lonely again.

 Earlier in the day, I was going through CL, and I noticed a guy had posted from my hotel. I sent him an email, but I thought it was a long shot. He looked hot but he w looking for a sissy. I am far from that, hairy and a beard... Not going to work. I did have a guy lined up for tomorrow after my seminar, so I was not too worried my trip would be a complete waste of time. I was hanging out in my room and got an email from CL and my ad from last week. It was a guy from my hotel. He was looking to hook up. We emailed for a few minutes and then he was ready to come over. I was excited.

 I don't think that we stopped touching for several hours. It was great. We were pfext together. I loved touching hm and he I. Well he left the next morning at 7:00. And we made plans to meet tonight. I sent him an email to tell him I was interested. Nothing back. I went to eat dinner, and continued to check my email. I kept thinking it was going to be a bust. Well. As I walked back into the hotel, I saw him walking past me. 

He didn't see me. I waited so he was going up the elevator before I did. Later he emailed me that he worked hard all day and just got in. He still had work to do. I told him I understood, but I was disappointed. He was a great guy, and we could of had a great evening together again. We both were unsatisfied in our real life. He with his male partner I with my female partner, I am not complaining, it was a wonderful experience. This was one of the best hook ups I have ever had. He was so passionate, and so into making me feel safe and good. He was happy when he left as well.

THAT's what I'm talking about.

Monday, March 19, 2012

First Gay Bar Ever!

Wow everyone. Tonight I went to my first gay bar ever. I'm in Orlando for the week and I thought, "Well tonight I'll just go out to eat and stop by the bar before I went back to the hotel." This is very unusual for me. I usually don't do things like that. Take that kind of risks. I know you may say, that shoot I take risks all the time. I have written about them. But this is a different risk for me. I never really liked going to bars by myself. I feel uncomfortable. Like a lump on a wall.

 Well. I pushed myself to a limit. I went in and the first thing I noticed was the smoke.... I hate smoke. I pushed through it and ordered a beer, sat at the bar. I drank my beer, and was about ready to go when the bar tender asked if I wanted another one, it was happy hour. I decided what the hell. So I had another one. No one talked with me the whole time. I sat, and read a LGBT magazine.

 Half way through the second beer, I notice people we going outside. I went out and said, "Hi." to a guy sitting down. He was bigger than I would normally pick, but really I thought I would just talk with him. Soon. I decided he was interested in more, and I wAs falling for him, not his body. He interested me. So we started to get closer. And we talked more about us and our life. It was nice. I sat next to him and we started to talk more, touch more.

He was not a regular, as you could tell they were all talking with each other. We did go to a corner of the back area and do some kissing and light foundling. He was too nervous in this setting, and didn't want to come back my hotel, because he worked tomorrow. I was disappointed, but understood. We talked a little longer, and then we left. It was fun because we followed each other's cars for a little while. Okay. Will I keep my hands off of my cock tonight and not watch porn? If you remember I gave that up for Lent. I had a good time. I'm glad I went. Who knows I may go back.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Heading back to Orlando

I'm heading back to Orlando, and of course both my heads are spinning.... 
One is thinking how nice it would be to cuddle up in the arms of a man, and the other one is saying how stupid it would be.  I have started too look for a play mate.  Of course there are lots of takers.  When I say lots I mean about 10 from one ad.  

Most of them look really good.  I always question the ones that look too good.  I wonder if it is a scam.  

I will probably meet up with one of them, but when you get lots of choices, it is hard to make a decision.  Some will flake out by then, and others will have conflicts.  I always keep my options open till the last minute.  I hate doing it, but I have been left with no one before.

Then on the other side there is the deceitfulness I feel I am pulling on my wife. She still doesn't completely trust me, so I have to stay in contact a lot, and my playtime is limited.  It is not like we don't have sex any more, but it has become very limited, but I know she sees that as a sign.  But honestly we have both been very busy, and I haven't been in the mood much.  My daughter is staying up later also.  My wife is so nervous that she can hear everything from our room.  It may be true, but it makes it hard to find time for some private time.  

So Next week will be a test of will power.  I will hook up, I know it.  


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Work is Kicking My Butt

Hey everyone.  I have been so busy with work, I have not had time to attend to my blogs here.  I actually have to blog on my work site as well, and I am behind on that.  Next week I will be in the home office most of the week, so that will help.  Then back to ORLANDO.  Yes the city that started my scary as hell week.  But I will be safe on this trip!!!!!!!  I will be by myself this time, so who knows what kind of trouble I will get in.

Does anyone have any thoughts about what I should go and do while I'm there? Remember I only have from 4:30 till about 10:00 each evening, so most of the park are out because I don't want to pay $85 for a couple hours in a park.

I had an awful feeling in my gut the other night.  My wife and daughter and I went to a nice dinner theater.  The first thing the one actor said was, "I am Jim, and this is my partner RJ."  My stomach dropped, and I thought damn.  Not another gay show.  I had no clue.  But thank God, later on it became apparent that they were talking business partner.  I was so pissed.  So, we had a great evening.  I know my wife caught it as well, she always does.

It is just a weird feeling.

Talk soon everyone. Hope to write in the next week.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Passion in you life.

I saw this picture on a blog I follow. I couldn't help but become completely turned on.  I think it is the passion in our lives that keeps us keeps us "turned on."  Sometimes that isn't sexual passion, it is the passion for our family or the passion for our friends, or a cause.

Right now my passion has been my work.  Thank God I have kept busy, and started to make some decent money.

Keep the passion in your life.