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The other day I was laying awake in bed, next to my wife, and started to think about how I got where I am today. I reflected about our engagement party in my hometown. I remember standing at the bar surrounded by people I know, getting a beer, when someone I know said, "We didn't think he would ever get married." I know my wife remembers that phrase being said, and I know I heard it. I thought at the time, what do they know.
Well they knew exactly what I knew, and was not willing to admit, I was gay. But society in 1995 told them to say nothing.
While I was lying in bed I started to get pissed. At my friends, and my family, at society in the little town. Why couldn't they say, "Are you gay?" Why couldn't they really mean it, have a conversation about it. I was only 28 at the time. Never had a gay sexual encounter other than adolescent messing around. I would have loved to have a discussion about it.
The consequences of the small town head in the sand, lets not talk about it makes me angry. The worse thing is, I am guilty of the same thing... NOW.... But don't feel I can do anything, because I would out myself. So then I'm mad at me, and it is a cycle.
So I go back to sleep, wake up and do the day all over again.
