Saturday, June 30, 2012

Welcome to my world of truth(or lies)

I want to listen to this again.  I think that sometimes we just need to let it go.  I haven't for a while. I'm in a pretty good place.... 
Watch the first video for sure.  This guy is a great vlogger but also is true to who he is.  
I think that is what I have to remember. 
 I am true to myself.  
I am a gay man, who has chosen to be married to a woman.
That is who I am.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

My weekend adventure!

Well My wife and I had a great time on our vacation.

In our cabin we had no TV, no Phone Connection, No cell Phones, Texts.

We did have air conditioning, refrigerator, stove, microwave, nice hot shower.  We also took along our i-pads for reading, and playing games together, and individually.

Like I said it was a good trip.  There were some bumps.

The first night, my wife came to bed naked, and of course.............  Well, lets just say she enjoyed it.  I did as well, but didn't have that ever important (to her) Orgasm.....  Well it made her say, "We need to figure this out."  She started to cry........  Not how you want to end sex.  It was pitch dark in the cabin.  We started to talk about what we were going to do.  I told her I didn't want to be "out", and I didn't see myself anywhere else.  She feels like she has me trapped in a corner. I didn't respond much.  I just shut down during important conversations. She reminded me of our discussion about how she said she could live without sex, and I said I couldn't.  I did remind her that the hand does work wonders.  I think to her it was resolved.

We held each other, I think we both slept well, but I woke up with questions internally, about how the rest of the trip would go.   We had a great rest of the vacation, and even had sex two days later, and I did have the bit "O".  It is so much pressure, to know that if I don't find it exciting at the moment, that she is going to cry.   

The rest of the time we(she) talked alot about the future.  Like we will do "this" in three years, etc...  I don't think I'm more confused, but I do think we can go on like this.  I need to curb my sexual apatite, but I think we should continue for a while longer.

Not that I will change, but we will be able to talk about it more clearly when time has passed, and we have more options........   I do worry about her.  She stays so busy so she doesn't have to think about anything.

So the weekend was great and relaxing.  My wife is fun to be around when there is no pressure, and that is how we need to be for now.  Our daughter is gone for several more days.  We may get around to "talking" more, but we will just see.

Friday, June 22, 2012

What am I? #2

I got a lot of response. I appreciate all of your words. Yesterday was a day of unknown. I had new clients, and just had been gone for a long time. I broke down and had great sex with a hook up., and of course that sets in the guilt. My wife and I are going away for 4 days, alone. I think I'm worried about that as well. We may be in a place where there is no TV. No Internet. Very little phone service. So it could be interesting. My only is going to leave the nest in about a year as well. I think there was so much unknown yesterday, that I wanted to check out. Not in a kill my self way, but in a go back to bed way. This life is very unknown. I'll keep riding the ride, and be as happy as I can.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

What am I?

I am overwhelmed today. I am at a new clients today...... Away from home, my daughter is leaving for a week before I get home. My wife and I are going on vacation as soon as I get home. I am eating free breakfast at another hotel, and I want to go to bed and cry. What I am thinking is, I hate that I'm not the father that people really think I am. I'm not the husband people think I am. I'm not the father people expect me to be... I'm not the anything, anyone thinks I am. I am the closeted gay guy. I don't want to be the out gay guy. What do I want?