Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Post Secret

I love to listen to TED speakers. I just downloaded the app for my iPad.  I have tried to watch one daily.  They only take 10 minutes.  A person from my home town, who has inspired me, sent me a link to a TED video.  He knows my secret, but doesn't know who I am.  I think it scares him to have my secret, because he doesn't know who I am.  I know his family real well.  I think he is a little weirded out by me. Because I am an unknown.  I think if he knew who I was would could be friends, but right now I don't want to drag him into the drama.

Okay now to this TED video. I think I want to do this..... Watch this video...............Frank Warren's Half a Million Secrets.  Then after you wipe your eyes.... come back and find out about my secret.

Here is Frank's Response to one of persons commenting on the video.  I think he is very insightful, and I love his last sentence.  "Secrets can be walls or bridges."  I think I have let mine be a wall, and even when I let my wife in on it, it continued to be a wall and not the bridge that it could and maybe should be.

Apr 9 2012: Thanks for your thoughtful comment about my talk Michael. 

I wonder if the reason so many young people mail secrets to PostSecret is because some of the institutions that were there for for their parents have changed. The mental health industry is focused much more today on chemical solutions than the talking cure. Church membership among young people continues to decline and even families with two wage earners can be pressed to find time to really be present and listen to each other. 

As a parent I know it's tough to get my daughter to really share her inner-self with me, but I know if I tell her one of my real secrets first that helps.

Secrets can be walls or bridges.

My secret............. I'm afraid it will continue to be a secret, unless someone pushes me out in to the on coming traffic.  I   get a minor (very minor) panic attack when I think about everyone in my life knowing.  
Reading the blogs here have helped me to know that life will be okay if everyone knows, but it will be different. 
Let me know your thoughts about the secret......  

 Is yours a wall or a bridge? 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Easter Love, Easter Struggle, Easter Forgiveness

I Love Easter.  For me it means a new chance, and a new start.  But what does this new start mean when I know that I will not change my ways.  I know that I will continue to be with men behind my wife's back.  Jesus Died for our sins.  

What I struggle with, is "Did he die for our sins so we can continue to sin over and over and over again?"  The same thing. Continue to do things that you think and you are taught are not moral.  

I struggle with praying in church with images of this man in my head. Literally.  I want a clean mind and heart, but I do not have it.  So I have to continue to believe that God forgives me.

Here is what I always think about.  There are people who continue to gossip, and tell lies, and do not love their neighbors as they do themselves.  They will continue to sin, and do these things.  Will they make it to heaven?  I think I have as much of a shot as they do. 

Easter is about forgiveness.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

New Underwear

 I need some new underwear....

I think these would do. Actually I like trunks....
2 xist Essential No-Show Trunk
The weird thing is my wife gets upset when ever I talk about new underwear.  She thinks I am trying to look good for someone else.  There are other things I would like but can't because she sees each of the "new" things as going out of the box, and it reminds her of changes I made before I told her I was gay.  She doesn't want any changes.

My daughter and I talked about tattoos the other day.  I told her I would take one.  She told my wife, and she said, "Since when did you decide you wanted a tattoo?"

Triton 8.0mm Comfort Fit Tungsten and Carbon Fiber Engraved Wedding Band - ZalesI said, "I told you that I would take one over the heart, and exactly what I would want it to be."  She denies it, but I have told her at least two or three times.  She just blocks out any change.
Men's 10.5mm Tri-Tone Stainless Steel Link Bracelet - Zales
So for now, no new jewelry.  I want a new ring or bracelet.  I don't wear either now.  No new underwear, unless she is around when I do it and the others have holes in them.  No tattoos.  No new shoes....
Waaaa!  Waaaa!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Two of us Alone

Maybe it is because hotels make me horny, but the real reason, is we put our mind at ease, and all the other cares of the world went away.

This is why I think going on a mini vacation was really good for my wife and me.  We both didn't have an agenda, but we got to spend some quite time alone in a room with no other pressure on us.  We were not thinking about the dog barking, the work that needed to be done in the yard, the report I should be writing, the sheets that need cleaned, the floor that needed swept, or if someone was going to come home early and break the silence.

Needless to say we both had a great time this weekend without our daughter and in a 4 star hotel for two nights.  Reality had to break today because I had to come back to choir for church, and she back to the horse show.

I hope my daughter got to relax as well.  Watching the bull riding was fun also.

Thanks all for your thought and prayers I know they helped.

I will keep on keeping on.