Sunday, the pastor spoke about Mary. Who she was, and asked us to imagine what it was like for her. She was expected to do many things she didn't want to do, but she accepted them. She had to go to her engaged, Joseph. The one that was arranged for her and tell him, "Hey I'm pregnant. It isn't yours, but marry me anyway." She had to tell her parents, "Hey I'm pregnant, I'm not married yet, accept me." The small town she lived in had to be talking, and not to her, but about her.
I started to relate to the Christ Child story. I know it was so strange to look at my story, a story that some would say is devilish and full of adultery and sex, and wonder how can that relate to the virgin birth. You might even call me crazy. But I related to it.
I wondered what I am being asked to do. Mary denied herself of a lot, she followed what the Lord had told her to do. I don't know that the Lord is telling me to do anything, and I have never had an angel like Gabriel come down and sit next to me and tell me what is going to happen and what I should do. Maybe it would be easier if he would. But what I am seeing right now in my life, is going forward. Do what I have been doing. Live My life as a gay man in a straight man's wold. It has worked all my life to now.
Most bloggers I read here have come out. They are ready, that is why they write. I'm just stuck... It is easy for me. My wife told me several days ago, "I'm in this for the long haul." I didn't tell her I was too, but I answered with affirmative silence. Maybe it is my wife that is more like Mary.
Once his mini sermon was finished our choir sang the Magnificat by Giovanni Battista Pergolesi. It gave me goose bumps. I really felt it. Maybe because it was so personal. The struggles and sacrifice that one small girl made to so many people. I hope that my struggles and sacrifice, although small compared to hers, will make a difference to so many people as well.
After church choir practice we always have joys and concerns. For the most part, the same people are always having trouble, and the same people know about others that are sick or in the hospital. Someone's child is doing great things. I always think about what if I were to come out to the world. Would I have enough guts to tell them, my joys and concerns. Well hell, I don't even tell them about my joys and concerns in the present. Why would I tell them this.
Right now I feel a big burden that I feel like sharing with them. The worry that most people, except my immediate family, don't know is that I feel like I am going to be broke for life. I have this sales job that paid me less than 1/2 of what I was making a year ago. I am expected to call people all day and sell products and services. What the company has is great, but is very limited in its scope, and specialized. I have this pit in my stomach about it. My wife, and me to some extent, have cut back our spending tremendously, but she has even said, I can't make myself stop till there is nothing. I guess I will need to continue to tell her there is nothing.
On the other hand, our little family is doing pretty well emotionally. We have been through a lot over the last year. Me being in the hospital for a week for my appendix blow up. Three hospital outings for the jelly bean of a kidney stone, and then there was my mom's scare surgery and recovery. But I think this has brought me to realize the one thing I have in my life that is great is my wife.
She has stuck with me through all the crap I have thrown in her face. She should have ducked and ran a long time ago. Why has she stayed with me? Why the fuck does she care so much about a gay, almost jobless, sometimes lazy guy like me?
LOVE.... does she really love me that much? Why?
I don't even let her in and know me. How do I start telling her more about who I am, and what I think?
The other questions is should I? I shouldn't have to ask that questions, but it has been so hard to let someone in as far as I have, maybe we should have a "peel off the band aid" talk and go the rest of the way. But things seem pretty good now and I don't want to do the peeling.
The Christmas Season brings so many Joys and Concerns to the surface.
2. I have a job
3. Family who loves us 4. Safety and warm house
5. Talented daughter
6. Concerned Friends
1. Future as a family
2. Making ends meet
3. Family that loves the me they know.
4. A job that is uncertain
5. Daughters future college and pressures
6. Wife's mental well being
7. Keeping the sexuality part of my life a secret
Making this list was good. They all kind of wipe themselves out. But that last one that just came to my fingers. Number 7. Why is it just making the balance look so uneven.
I know it is not often people quote the Bible in the blogs I follow, but this was the text that the pastor spoke about on Sunday. It made me feel good. We all need comfort. We find it in a lot of different places.
I can find it sometimes in food. I know that I need to eat less of it, but I'm finding comfort in it these days. I find comfort in the things that are familiar with me, sometimes that is in "sinful" activities, but I do find comfort in being alone with myself. I also find comfort in lying in bed with my wife, just being with her. Last night, my daughter said she loved that we were eating dinner as a family. I know that she found comfort in that.
Random Family having dinner together.
I need to find more comfort in the fact that God is a loving God, and give us comfort. He comforts us whether we are gay or straight or bi. Even if we are sinners....
Comfort for God’s People
1 Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. 2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD’s hand double for all her sins.
When I was in high school I didn't ever date. It wasn't uncommon with a lot of my friends, so many did not find it odd. I did have my crushes. I grew up in a small town, and many of those crushes were with girls I knew for a long time. I don't remember having any crushes on any guys. I don't think I thought it was possible, so I didn't.
My first crush was a girl in fifth grade. I was in the same class as she was. We actually bought each other friendship rings, and went to the movie together once, if I recall. I got here and a friend in trouble my sixth grade year, because they "kissed" behind the curtain. I was probably jealous. The next girl I tried to "date" was another girl in my class. he was in my class as well, and I asked her out to the homecoming dance. Well we were going to go, and during the football game, after we were done playing in the marching band, I remember that she somehow got word to me that she was not going with me.
The next "date" I had was my senior year. I was so upset about never having a date, that I was crying on the bus ride back from some vocal event. I was upset because I never had a date, and didn't have one to prom. Wasn't that just the most pathetic thing you have ever heard. A senior boy in high school crying because he didn't have a date. Well one of the nice girls, a sophomore, told me she would go with me. She was a "prom server", so she could go to the dance afterwards, but wouldn't eat dinner with us. I always have called it my mercy date. It wasn't very memorable, but I do remember Everclear being drank during the meal at the high school. It was an uneventful date, but glad we did it in the end.
All of these girls I would still consider friends today. So there were never any hard feeling.
I never had any serious relationships in high school. I don't remember longing for it. I do remember being very emotional in high school. A lot of times it was with my good friends, ones that I would get drunk with. I would get drunk and cry about shit. I don't even know what about now. But, from the time I was 16 we all drank quite a bit.
Looking back, I don't think I was any different then a lot of other guys in my high school. We drank, had fun, and didn't really worry about dating much. I knew that I was attracted to the thought of men, but I don't really thing it sunk in that when I grew up it would be an issue, or that I would have to come out of the closet someday. I was busy living my teenage years.
I guess it is all related to the fact that I am trying to figure out my "gayness" in my head. Reliving all the events surrounding my sexuality.
My last post I wrote about if I was really gay. Well...... I still struggle some days, because how "normal" things are, but I know who I really am. But all of this thinking,took me back to when I was a Sophomore in high school.
I was on the high school yearbook staff. I did alot of photography. That was in the day of 35 mm film and processing black and white film in the dark room. I had an assignment to take pictures of the FFA putting up playground equipment. I went and took pictures of these upperclassmen working. Some even took off their shirts. I don't think I acted excited, but I know I was. I snapped some pictures. Later on it was time to develop and look at what I had shot. I went to the dark room. It was next to the cafeteria, which used to be a gym, and down some steps. The room used to be part of a locker room, converted as storage, and the dark room. It was locked, and very few people had a key to the room. If someone entered, they always knocked, not to shed light on someones work. Well the film was developed, and now it was time to print the pictures. Getting the cropping just right, and the lighting just right.
I had several pictures that were just right. For me anyway. Shirtless guys, sexy, and working hard. I blew some of them up, but of course had to be careful to not keep any of those in plain sight. I think that dark room session alone, was a very erotic one, if you get my drift. One of the pictures made the layout, and I still remember it to this day.
Did I "know" I was gay. yeah. Did I admit it. NO. As you can tell I'm still struggling with that 30 years later. Still in the DARKROOM here.
I have been thinking about the subject of being gay a lot lately. I think I usually do when things in my marriage get "normal". That is usually around the holidays. I think because you spend so much time with family, and focus on the happy things. Focus on the things that matter.
My wife has been wanted to go do things together. She mentioned going to a Kenny Roger's Christmas concert. That would be lots of fun, but I told her that money is such an issue right now, we should be careful with our money. Over $100 to go to see Kenny Rogers sing Christmas Songs is a lot of money.
We are talking about "normal" things. All this normal makes me think back. Why do I think I'm gay? Is it just my addiction to gay porn? Is it because I read about Men's fantasies about other men when I was a young teenager? Was it my experiences with other boys when I was pre-teen and teen?
1. Gay Porn: Yes I love to watch gay porn. When I was younger I never got to see gay porn. Once in a while I would get to grab on to a magazine in the house. I never knew where they came from, but I found them form my brother, or maybe my dad. I don't really remember. I didn't really like looking at women and their girl parts. I only wanted to see the hard core stuff. At the time, I didn't understand it, but I know that I only wanted to see the men's parts. I was looking at them. I even remember when I was living by myself, when I got a video, I wanted to watch the guys have sex with the men, and fast forwarded through any parts with out men. Later on in my life when I discovered phone sex, I started with the women, but then found that it was a lot more fun with the men. Okay. One check mark for gay.
2. Men on Men Fantasies: I think I have written about this before, but my dad had a book about Men and their fantasies. I found it and stole it. I read it a lot in the bathroom. I always read the ones about Men with other men. I read the others, but not very often... Okay. two check marks for gay.
3. Other Experience with boys: I won't get specific, but yes, I had a lot of jack-off sessions with boys, most relatives, etc.... I remember one time, that was not a a JO session where another boy cousin and I were playing house of some kind. I ended up being the woman, and he got on top of me and "humped' me with my clothes on. It didn't last long, and I don't remember it really being sexual, but it felt right. I do remember others that were a little more sexual. It is funny how my sexual memories as a child are so vivid. (another story?) I mean all of them.. I know where, when, what smell, etc.... I feel like these all felt right. Okay, three check marks for gay.
4. I have never been in love with another man. That is the only thing that gets me. Is it all sexual? I believe I was on my way to falling for a man. This is when I was going through the process of telling my wife. I would have long talks with a married guy, who had told his wife. We were having secret lunches, and talking on the phone a lot. We only were naked once, and this was with another guy. He was so nice and sexy, and great it bed, and this was all before our long talks. I knew if my wife would have said go, I would have ran to him. We don't talk now. I think this means I have the capacity to love a man. Okay, four check marks for gay.
I know this is not scientific. I just needed a way to think about it. I still wonder. Maybe I just don't know me. Maybe I should just stay away from those urges. Tried it. Is it an addiction? That's it, I'm addicted to men, and I can change it.
Sorry I've been absent this week. I was out of town on a job, and didn't seem to find the time when I was back in the hotel room to write. I will say I was happy with myself. I didn't hook up. I did look for the one night I was in Houston, but it was briefly. There was even a guy in the same hotel I was in looking, and I didn't even e-mail him.
The other nights were literally impossible, as I was in a small town in Texas. I was also traveling with a colleague, which was staying on the same floor, so that did help control the urges.
I didn't even watch porn all three nights I was gone. So...... is that progress?
I don't know if you all watch Davey Wavey on YouTube. He is a gay twenty something that has a web blog. His work is real professional, and I enjoy listening to him. Besides he has a nice body. He has done a video recently from Rhode Island. I enjoyed watching it and thought you might as well.
I have been watching lots of coming out stories lately. I know I am out to my wife, but that is it. I don't think I am ready yet, but I think I am preparing myself. I remember when I was preparing to tell my wife, I would look for apartments, think about how I would make it after the outing, and after I got kicked out. I think this is kind of in preparation in case I am forced out.
I am not really feeling the necessity to come out, I think I am just subconsciously preparing mentally.
You know...... I have been trying to figure out this feeling. I have been having it for weeks. I want to say it is an obsession, but I'm starting to think it is more than that.
I have been working in my basement alone for the last year. I only have contact with people by e-mail and sometimes I get someone to talk with me on the phone about the services I sell. I do get out to make a customer call every now and again, but that has been limited over the last month. I think I need more people connection.
Here is what I do, that is wierd. I have five different e-mail addresses open.
One is my double secret e-mail, I give to people who I don't even want to know my first name. It is on yahoo and has yahoo chat open. Very rarely do I talk with anyone there, but I used to all the time when I was trying to hook up.
Another is my secret e-mail, It has gmail chat, and there is one guy I chat with once a week or so. He is a great guy that is divorced and gay. We knew each other from my hook up days.
One is my personal e-mail with my wife,
Two work e-mails.
Then there is Facebook. I look at it about 4 to 5 times a day. Reading about everyone else, very seldomly posting anything.
Ohhh... and I almost forgot my Linkedin profile. I don't have it open everyday, but I spend some time on there looking for people I know, and connecting.
I also have my reader list on my gmail open all day. When ever a new blog post is posted, I read it right away. I continue to add new blogs I like to read. Sometimes in the morning I can spend up to two hours reading stories or posts on them. I know, I should be working. I continue to check them all of this all the time.
I also have to check my stats on blogger. I love it when I have my viewers. I am disapointed when there are not enough.
Then there is words with friends. It may fall into another catagory, but I feel connected when I get a message that it is my turn. Someone just thought of me.
I find that I am then very disapointed that I didn't get an e-mail. I crave it. (Ohh there is a new Reader Notification. Be right back............................................ Dang it was just my local newspaper posting a new boring story.) My stomach is feeling it... It is almost the feeling I get when I'm horny. But that comes from a place a little lower than the stomach. So what needs filled? Is it the connection with men? The connection with family?Am I ADHD? The connection with people in general? Or is it I need more intamacy in my life? Am I lonely?
I could just start more cold calling?
I think I might start working more in the sunlight and upstairs where I can see outside and see the world. I live in a rural area, so I will see nature, not people. I need to focus this nerveous energy on work.
I don't care if you like Taylor Swift's singing, but you have to admit, that she can write a story, and put it to music. The only reason she can be called the "Entertainer of the Year" is that she can pack a house. I ran across a couple of her stories that were redone quite well.
The "Love Story" video remake is just her music with a semi story line clipped together. It is nice, fine and romantic young gay love story.
Below is "You belong with me." It is a complete remake of the video done with a male singer. He sounds pretty good if you ask me, and the production was done well also.
These are just fun..........
My more and more we are watching this on the internet and TV, more people are seeing gay as okay. Even if they don't see it as "normal". They are seeing it more, and allowing it to be okay.
I watched Glee last night. I have to watch it when no one else is around. My daughter thinks it is stupid that a grown man likes to watch it, and my wife doesn't like to watch anything with gay themes. So, I watch it alone. Many times it is good that I watch it alone, because I end up crying like a baby. Last night Kurt and Blaine went to a gay bar. They both lost their virginity later in the episode, and I think the show did it very tastfully. Writters did it in contrast to a hetro couple in which the female lost her virginity as well. Tit for "bat"should I say.
Okay. I'm not a lawyer. I have a healthy respect for them. But I'm scared to death to talk with a lawyer about what my wife wants to talk to them about.
Background: Both our parents have nice amount of assets. Upon their death we will both get a nice nest egg. It is inevitable. Our parents (both) have talked about giving us the assets early, and since my wife's parents know about me, they are stressed about doing it. So my wife has hinted many times about going to the lawyer (my father in laws) to do the work.
Basically, we have agreed that if her parents give her something, if we end up divorced, those assets will go to her. And Visa Versa. I don't have a problem with it, except for one exception, and that is our home is owned by her parents. We have put our resources into it, so I feel I should get some cash out of it. Not a substantial amount, but something.
She said last night we need to do this in two weeks, her dad has a new lawyer, and he needs to get this taken care of. I am only going to tell her that she needs to set up the appointment. I don't know the name of the lawyer, and am not going to ask her dad for the name.
Her parents have been very passive during this whole thing, and have always been wonderful to us. And I understand their concern.
I'm nervous about this one, I want to go into it with my eyes wide open, and in some respects, this is taking care of the financial part of a divorce, before a divorce ever happens. I just don't want to take this one up the ole ass with out protection. It is just going to be stressful, and I HATE stress. I have a pit in my stomach just writing this. I guess it is better face it now than latter, and then I can get rid of the pit. I'm such a damn procrastinator because I don't like confrontation.
Hmmmmm do you think that has anything to do with why I'm in the closet still.......
Well. I've been thinking over the last few days, that maybe, just maybe I should "clean up" this blog. I have posted some pretty X and XXX pictures and think maybe I should clean it up. But then I look at who my audience is, and I don't think they mind it the least bit. But what if I want to expand my audience?
Hmmmm.... Should I go with R rated or just X and not XXX?
Here is my thought. This blog is supposed to be about who I am. I am a little bit clean and a little dirty, and some times real dirty. So should I post who I am, or who I wish I were? I'm somwhere in between the hymns on Sunday morning and the sins in my dreams.
I heard this on my i-pad while I was taking a shower. It has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it. It is about a man that is sitting in church, talking about the devil in his dreams. The "sins in Dancy's Dreams."
"Every night the devil comes and walks through Dancy's Dreams. She(He) take him by the hand and lead him back to New Orleans. A good man's goin' crazy somewhere in between, The hymns on Sunday mornin' and the sins in Dancy's Dream."
This song has haunted me forever. It almost makes me tear up when I hear it. I didn't grow up in a "Lighthouse Gospel Church," but a main stream evangelical. "But no one could have guessed
What he was prayin' deep inside."
Listen. Read the Lyrics. Find that devil inside of you.
Dancy was a deacon
Every Sunday found him there
At the Lighthouse Gospel Church
With his hands folded in prayer
And standin' right beside him
Was his pretty hometown bride
But no one could have guessed
What he was prayin' deep inside
Dancy has a demon
Livin' Somewhere in his past
That dark-haired Cajun angel
Was the devil dressed in black
Was it really voodoo
Or just weakness in the man
The only time he ever fell
Was when she took his hand
Oh It's been so long, but it's still so strong
Every night the devil comes and walks through Dancy's dream
She takes him by the hand and leads him back to New Orleans
A good man's goin' crazy somewhere in between
The hymns on Sunday mornin' and the sins in Dancy's dream
Sometimes it's almost like
He was never even there
But other times he swears he smells
The flowers in her hair
He never told his secret
No one would understand
She's the only one who's seen
The dark side of the man
Okay... Look up "liar" This is what you will find:
World English Dictionary
liar ('lare) ---n a person who has lied or lies repeatedly
Word Origin & History
liar O.E. leogere; agent noun from Anglian legan, W. Saxon leogan "be untruthfule, lie"
Well. My wife HATES liars. She always has always will. Who's to blame her. I don't. She believes in her mind, she has never told a lie, and never will. Well. Yes I have lied. I admit it. I will probably lie again. When you are in the closet, aren't you ling all the time? Examples:
1. A "friend" says to you as he looks at a hot chick and you are looking at the man they are with, "Boy I'd like to get into that. Wouldn't you?" I raise my eye brows, or make an affirmative nod with my head.
2. Someone says, "I didn't think you would ever get married." You respond, knowing what they really mean, "What does that mean?"
3. Your wife asks on the phone while you are on a trip watching porn, "Whatcha doing?" You respond, "Watching TV."
4. The mom of a teenage daughter asks, "Did you stop anywhere?" and daughter says, "No." You say, "Starbucks." Daughter says, "Oh Yeah, I did stop there."
Well over the last two weeks my daughter has made slight delays, or what I would call defensive answering with my wife. The last one referred to 4. above. My wife went off the deep end. Screaming you are ling. You always lie. This is the biggest fit I think I have seen my wife throw for years. I told her to calm down, she didn't see Starbucks drive through as stopping. Well my daughter left as was best, and then I got the onslaught of being a liar, and asking if we needed to revisit every lie I have ever told. She went to her room.
My daughter and I were on pins and needles the rest of the night. Earlier, I wanted to even get it on, but I knew that wouldn't happen. We were talking about 10 year plans, retirement, etc. But, I stayed clear of her, only interacting when needed the rest of the night.
Today. All is okay. We haven't mentioned it again.
I'm not saying my wife is bad. Don't hate on me. I think that she has always been an over achiever when it comes to life. She thinks all has to be perfect. All lies are the same, not telling all the story is a lie. I have made it much worse for her. I am a liar, I'm good at it. Hell..... I'm in the closet. In her book, I lie every day.
I'm struggling with the lie right now. I can continue to lie. I'm okay with it. I just don't know how healthy it is.
I love her. NO LIE. It is true. No really I do. I do love her. Honestly. Scouts Honor.
Wow, I get why it is so hard for her. I have to continue to remind her, and let her know in small ways. I heard on a show that says you must say it at least five times a day for 10 days. Well maybe I should get started.
And ohhh... I've been wanting to say this Since I started typing
Recently I was volunteering for an organization in my town. We have an event that we dress up and "scare" people. Have a haunted "house." The event requires the people participating to stay sitting as we walk around and interact with the people in costume for about an hour. They are usually not in costume.
Well the other night there were about 4 gay couples on this "ride". They had all came together and were dressed pretty nice. (Several in white. I didn't get that. It was a haunted ride and they were in white?) They were displaying affection, in a very nice way. I think that was fine, didn't bother anyone around me that I could see, or hear. After all there were many hetro people on the ride that did the same thing. I thought that was great and refreshing even.
I think what became unnerving for some was that their conversations had to be about sex, and cocks. I was standing staring them down, because that is what my character did.... and they were hot. One of the guy's who I would say was very fem, and was probably the mouthiest, said something about the last cock he had and that it was big and not cut. His partner put his legs up in the air, exposing his ass, implying that I should give it to him. I think it got worse later on in the evening, but I had moved on. I know they had been drinking and were a little loose with the lips, but most of it was uncalled for. There were children on the ride as well, not sitting too close, but they were on the ride.
I actually didn't mind it, (You know I wanted to join in, but we were in a public place, and I knew all of the people volunteering.) but the fact that this is how most people perceive gay men is what keeps many of us scared Midwesterners in the closet. If I am out, I don't want to be one of the obnoxious loud gay guys. I want to live my life as I did before, why does it have to be so obvious that I'm gay. I want to sit on the ride, and if I don't hold the hand of the partner I'm with know one would really know. It is not because I'm ashamed, it would be because I'm not all about public display of affection. Especially when there are kids around.
If you have 30 minutes, or if you don't, make 30 minutes to listen to the grandson of Oral Roberts, Randy Roberts Potts. I was oblivious to the fact that Oral Roberts had a son and grandson that were gay.
I very touching message that will touch you. I know it did me.
How can some people come out against such odds, and others can not face it. They must hide in the closet? I want to do what's right. Maybe it is right to just hold off for two more years. Maybe for a life time.
I have to keep being happy with my choices. This is what I've made for myself, make it worth it.
You know that feeling. Life is just moving. No real direction, no goal, just going. Again someone asked how I was doing I say Okay. I guess it is not very convincing. but that is how I am. Okay. just Okay.
Live with it.
Work has actually been kinda busy, so I better get back with it.
Are you like me? I am sitting at a Panera, watching people. I love to watch people, but mostly Men. It drives my wife crazy, because she thinks I'm always watching the guys. Okay. I am. But it still drives her crazy.
Two men meet, shake hands. One is is shorts and a sports team logo shirt and shorts, while the other one is in a suit. They order tea and a coffee. Sit down so I can see "watch" them. I try hard to hear what they are saying. The first thing I think is, are the meeting for the first time? Are they going to meet here and see if it is a fit to hook up? Both have wedding rings. can't really tell what they are saying but it seems they know each other. hmmm...
Another nice looking guy with a ring and a polo shirt sits in the corner, his computer screen faces the wall. Is he trying to find a hook up on Craigslist? I see him when he leaves. I think he looks me over, when he leaves.
two more men meet and one eats. The other has a coke. only one has a wedding ring. They go outside to eat, and talk.
I see a nice looking shorter man come in with shorts and a running shirt. He has really hairy legs. I love hairy legs. Is he gay? He may be. Another man comes in alone with his computer. He is bald with a goatee. He is HOT. I love bald men. He is pretty tall as well. I love looking at him. He was going to sit right next to me, but then he gets up and leaves. DAMN.
A nice looking man has been painting since I got here. He has great biceps. He just looked at me and smilled. Does he want me. NO... Damn. He is talking with one of the female workers. here. They are together.
It goes on, and on. No wonder I can't work in a public place. I'm too busy.
Lately, I've been thinking about how big of a part porn has always been a part of my life. Most people who read this blog, probably can say the same thing. But how much has porn shaped my sexuality, or yet my desires, and fantasies?
Yesterday, I had watched a Non Rated Show on HBO, that had a lot of heterosexual sex in it. Of course only showed, the woman's breasts, no va-j j, or cock. but showed couple after couple having no strings attached quick sex, with a "plot" around it. It turned me on completely, and I took care of myself while my wife slept next to me. WOW. I thought. I had watched gay porn that afternoon, had intimate relations with my wife, and still, this got me going.
I think I just have a tendency to LOVE PORN. Am I addicted? Is it a problem?
...Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be
trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most
important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow
already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is
~ Steve Jobs
(2005 Stanford Commencement
When you read this you would think someone would jump up and say, "I am gay, and I am going to live that way." But I am jumping up and saying, "I like being married, and the life I have being married."
Well. Wow. The last week has been very strange, and I think things are becoming clearer. You see, I've kinda felt like I was in a fog over the last week. I would walk around feeling numb. Like I wasn't even present.
I think connecting with others through choir, work and getting out of the house has helped. I work at home in my basement alone all day. I see my wife off and on, but for the most part I'm alone. I make phone calls to business people trying to build a relationship and get them to buy what my company is selling. It gets rather lonely.
Writing a blog has helped, but keeping track of all the other blogs has taken way too much of my time. I had to limit the number of blogs I read daily. Basically, I got rid of all of the Blogs that were just about porn. I know where to go find them if I "need" them. And besides when I start my day looking at those pics, it just makes me horny all day, and I can't focus. There are reasons I can't just get off first thing in the morning that I can't divulge.
Another thing that has helped is my wife has been in a good mood the last couple days. I am thinking alot about life, and how you must live your life to the fullest. Why does that have to be "out". Yes I know I love sex with men, and would probably fall in love with a man if I would let myself. But if I was straight, and in the marriage I was in, I would probably have to realize the same thing. I would love sex with lots of women, not just my wife, and I would probably fall in love with a woman if I would let myself.
Balance........... Balance my marriage and family life with my sexuality.
Can it be an addiction? I'll tell you throughout my life, I really have been controlled by the pleasure that masturbation brings to me. I felt it again yesterday. It was 4:00. I should go outside, do something, but I really wanted to watch some porn, and talk to a hot guy on a chat line and pump......
I restrained, as I was keeping busy, and I went upstairs to the kitchen. I continued to restrain, but kinda stood there with a pit in my stomach. I felt the urge. Am I horny? That is normally what I call it. But today I was calling it addicted. I ate something. Maybe that would help relieve the hankering the pit in my stomach? It made me forget about it for a minute. I decided to make a call and then go outside with the family. They were out working horses.
Still a pit, I was walking around like a zombie.... That is how I felt, Like a zombie....
I did a honey do.... watch the fam.... went to eat at McDonalds.... came home and watched some TV after finishing some homework.
It kinda went away.
Then there is this morning. I woke up.... Hard... wanted it... Wife left... Daughter left..... Home alone.... should I? I did some laundry... Should I? Wife will be home soon... Should I? Damn..... NO... I want to have some intimacy with my wife.... Should I? NO.....
I came and wrote this blog post. But I'm on the computer with the porn, right there... a great blogger probably posted some hot pictures? Should I?
Keep the hand away from the Penis (I know I capitalized it automatically? What? Is it a personal noun?)
I won for now. (Notice no pictures of masterbation on this post?) I know not as visually appealing, but that is the point.
I want you to follow this guy on YouTube. He has a new post out where he tells his mother. She still loves him, "But I'm worried about your soul. You should be too." I think he should have said. I have been working on that and struggling through that. Why do you think it has taken me this long to tell you.
Watch it and let me know what you think.
Here is his video on coming out to his dad.
Compare and contrast..... I have been thinking alot about how my family would react. I don't know that I'm getting closer to telling them, but I continue to think about it.
I have noticed that when I am thinking about it more, I don't talk to my parents at all, or any one else in my family. I wait for them to call me. It can be three to four weeks before anyone calls me. I know it is very selfish, but I think that this is my way to judge how much they care, or need me when they think I am straight. Now if/when I tell them, how often do they call me.....
I was at a work association meeting last night, and damn, this state is homophobic. I was sitting at a table with a bunch of guys, mostly younger, and in their early 30's. They were all pretty nice looking, and leaders in their field.
The conversation turned to bars in the area I went to college. It was in a small rural town, but there was lots of drinking always going on. One of the guys more my age was talking about a game called "butt darts". In this game, with your cloths on, you would stick a quarter between your butt cheeks, and then you would walk over a pitcher of beer and drop the quarter in the beer. Of course some drinking was involved if you make it or not. Of course that led to some crude jokes about ass and guys and referring to gay sex, but never saying it. I am pretty silent through this as it was all pretty innocent.
Then they started talking about where they were going to go drink after the picnic. They started insinuating about how one of the members of the association was gay. Talking about "him"... etc... I don't have the direct quotes because it was more of a overt thing, but one could take it derogatorily. Of course once again, I can say nothing, or do nothing.
I wonder if I would say something if I was out to most people. If I was in this situation and only the people at the table didn't know I was gay, would I say something? Would I out myself to them. Damn. I'm allowing bullying to go on.
I don't normally listen or read the Huffington Post, but this story is so powerful. This shows why many of us didn't come out when we were teens. Shit and it was the 70s. Who would have been foolish enough. I wish it wouldn't continue. Maybe if I would of had the courage to be the role model for the current generation it wouldn't be so bad.
Rest In Peace Jamey. May the gracious Lord look over your family.
I saw this on Another Blogger post. I thought it was great. I also listened to some of the shows on OutQ satellite Radio on the day that Don't ask Don't tell was repealed. There were numerous listeners that called into the radio station. I also have been following Steven Phillips on his YouTube outing. Wow.... I wept while I listened. I bet there will be more from him. I hope so. I found it very powerful. His dad says, "It doesn't change our relationship...... I am very proud of you.... I will always love you....."
I think it is real telling that during the period of DADT there are so many gay military men and women in the military, and so many gay men and women in marriages.
I feel that although it is never easy to come out. These guys did not have a wife and kids to disappoint at home. That is really tough part. I wish I would have been able to, or have had the courage to come out before I was married.
Congratulation to all of the people that are able to come out because of this decision.
What do you say when someone asks you, "How are you doing?"? I am a, "I'm doing okay." Type of guy. Sometimes I get the response, "Just okay?". I usually tell the person. "Yeah, just okay. Do you want me to lye and tell you I'm doing great, or perfect?"
I don't usually let them know why I'm not doing great, but I do want to ask them why it is so important that I am doing great. Most people don't have it great all the time do they?
Well where is this leading? Well my last post was really depressing, and from the comments (Which i appreciated.) I must of sounded real bad. I guess lets just say I still am "okay". Not "Feeling like I'm about to kill myself." and not "Best ever."
Will I go see a therapist? I probably won't. For two reasons. 1. Money. I know everyone said screw the money go do it. Insurance will pay for some of it. But reason 2. says why spend the money? 2. Wife. I know that she would want to talk about every detail the therapist and I speak. It is not worth the trouble aftwerwards.
If you haven't figured out. I like to put my head in the sand, and let the world twirl around me. That is just me.... that is my whole family... I should get this statue for our home.
Still Gay. Still married. Still doing stupid things that feel right at the moment. Probably just going to go and have sex with a man.... that will fix it all. Well for two hours or so it will...