Thursday, September 29, 2011

More Coming out Video

I want you to follow this guy on YouTube.  He has a new post out where he tells his mother.  She still loves him, "But I'm worried about your soul.  You should be too."  I think he should have said.  I have been working on that and struggling through that.  Why do you think it has taken me this long to tell you.

Watch it and let me know what you think.

Here is his video on coming out to his dad.

Compare and contrast.....  I have been thinking alot about how my family would react.  I don't know that I'm getting closer to telling them, but I continue to think about it.

I have noticed that when I am thinking about it more, I don't talk to my parents at all, or any one else in my family.  I wait for them to call me.  It can be three to four weeks before anyone calls me.  I know it is very selfish, but I think that this is my way to judge how much they care, or need me when they think I am straight.  Now if/when I tell them, how often do they call me.....

The State of Homophobia

I was at a work association meeting last night, and damn, this state is homophobic.  I was sitting at a table with a bunch of guys, mostly younger, and in their early 30's.  They were all pretty nice looking, and leaders in their field.

Butt DartsThe conversation turned to bars in the area I went to college.  It was in a small rural town, but there was lots of drinking always going on.  One of the guys more my age was talking about a game called "butt darts".  In this game, with your cloths on, you would stick a quarter between your butt cheeks, and then you would walk over a pitcher of beer and drop the quarter in the beer.  Of course some drinking was involved if you make it or not.  Of course that led to some crude jokes about ass and guys and referring to gay sex, but never saying it.  I am pretty silent through this as it was all pretty innocent.

Then they started talking about where they were going to go drink after the picnic.  They started insinuating about how one of the members of the association was gay.  Talking about "him"... etc... I don't have the direct quotes because it was more of a overt thing, but one could take it derogatorily.  Of course once again, I can say nothing, or do nothing.

I wonder if I would say something if I was out to most people.  If I was in this situation and only the people at the table didn't know I was gay, would I say something?  Would I out myself to them.  Damn.  I'm allowing bullying to go on. 

Damn me.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Gay Bullying Kills

Gay Bullying Hurts!

I don't normally listen or read the Huffington Post, but this story is so powerful.  This shows why many of us didn't come out when we were teens.  Shit and it was the 70s.  Who would have been foolish enough.  I wish it wouldn't continue. Maybe if I would of had the courage to be the role model for the current generation it wouldn't be so bad.

Rest In Peace Jamey.  May the gracious Lord look over your family.

My heart hurts right now.

Friday, September 23, 2011

DADT and the Military

I saw this on Another Blogger post. I thought it was great.  I also listened to some of the shows on OutQ satellite Radio on the day that Don't ask Don't tell was repealed.  There were numerous listeners that called into the radio station.  I also have been following  Steven Phillips on his YouTube outing. Wow.... I wept while I listened. I bet there will be more from him. I hope so.  I found it very powerful. His dad says, "It doesn't change our relationship......   I am very proud of you....  I will always love you....."

I think it is real telling that during the period of  DADT there are so many gay military men and women in the military, and so many gay men and women in marriages. 

I feel that although it is never easy to come out.  These guys did not have a wife and kids to disappoint at home.  That is really tough part. I wish I would have been able to, or have had the courage to come out before I was married. 

Congratulation to all of the people that are able to come out because of this decision. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Just the other day a fellow blogger was talking about freeballing.  I really never called it that.  I've always heard it called comando.  Maybe that is the midwestern term for it.  Well....... 

Today is my day to freeball all day!!!!!!!!!!

My family is gone for most of the day, and i'm not getting out of my lounge pants.  May not even take a shower.  I LOVE these days........

And I love to look at freeballers.

"I'm doing okay."

What do you say when someone asks you, "How are you doing?"?  I am a, "I'm doing okay."  Type of guy.  Sometimes I get the response, "Just okay?".  I usually tell the person. "Yeah, just okay. Do you want me to lye and tell you I'm doing great, or perfect?"

I don't usually let them know why I'm not doing great, but I do want to ask them why it is so important that I am doing great.  Most people don't have it great all the time do they?

Well where is this leading?  Well my last post was really depressing, and from the comments (Which i appreciated.) I must of sounded real bad.  I guess lets just say I still am "okay".  Not "Feeling like I'm about to kill myself." and not "Best ever." 

Will I go see a therapist?  I probably won't.  For two reasons.  1.  Money.  I know everyone said screw the money go do it.  Insurance will pay for some of it.  But reason 2. says why spend the money?  2. Wife.  I know that she would want to talk about every detail the therapist and I speak.  It is not worth the trouble aftwerwards.

If you haven't figured out.  I like to put my head in the sand, and let the world twirl around me.  That is just me.... that is my whole family...   I should get this statue for our home. 

Still Gay.  Still married. Still doing stupid things that feel right at the moment.  Probably just going to go and have sex with a man.... that will fix it all.  Well for two hours or so it will...

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Tearing up (okay.... let's just call it crying.)

Lately, I've found myself crying more and more....  The other day I talked with my mom. She has had some medical issues, and I think things are different with her.  When we hung up, I had this overwhelming need to cry.  I was on a family outing with my wife and kids, and didn't want to show it at the moment.  Later my wife and I were driving back to the hotel, and I had a tear rolling down my face.  I told my wife about it later, but we didn't discuss it.

This morning I was sitting on the john, reading my facebook, looking at some of the posts from my sister-in-law.  It was my nephew's birthday and I posted on his page.  I was thinking about the family, and started to tear up again.

A couple weeks ago in the shower, I was missing a loved one that had died recently and I couldn't control the crying.

My grandma died recently, and I cried like a baby at her funeral.  I don't usually do that.

I don't know what is going on.  I know I am thinking a lot more about coming out, and I think it is a reaction to how badly I am going to hurt the people I love, and love me, when or if I do that.  I did always tell myself I could never come out until my grandparents are gone.  They now are.  :( Maybe it is because I have so much stress going on with my job, and the fact that we are making about 1/2 of what we did 2 short years ago.  Mabe the fact that my mom was so close to death.

I think my mom can sense that something is up with me...  Ever since I have been home from a long stay there after her illness, she has been very weird on the phone, but so have I.  I know the illness was a life changing event for her, she stopped smoking on top of it.

I really think I need to go back to talking with a therapist, but no money is keeping me from it. I can feel depression coming..............

Damn..... I hate this post, but I think you will have to read it anyway.  Maybe the next one will be better.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The College Days

I don't remember thinking, "I'm gay." in college.  I know I was just living in the moment, working to get through school with good grades. I had lots of fun.  I went to a school that was known in the area for its partying. 

If you read my earlier posts you will know that I was harassed some my freshman year by some unknown people calling me and calling me gay repeatedly. Using words like faggot and homo. They called me out for my lisp.  I had/have a bad lisp when I have been drinking, and Lord knows I did my fair share of that. I got that under control with lots of help from my RA, and crying on a friends shoulder.  The funny thing is.  I don't even remember telling this to my parents, or to the people that I was friends with from my hometown. It was only to those who didn't "know" me that well.

I think that might have pushed the gay thing way back.  I was extra careful for a while.  I did have several girlfriends, but nothing very long.  The only sex I had was with a girl from back home, and happened while I was back home for a summer.  (Bad story I will tell later.)

My only gay thoughts were when I was a senior (I went four years like you are supposed to.).  My roommates and I would lay on my "Jim's) water bed sometime and just talk, or watch TV.  On occasion we would "play" gay.  Fully clothed, kinda pretending to get intimate.  It is hard to explain.  We weren't really on top of each other, but just kinda touching.  It would actually turn me on, and I wonder sometime rather it would turn them on too. We would say things like, "Ohhh we are so gay. You are hot."

My one roommate "Jim" and I were on the bed one afternoon.  I remember that Jim and I were getting a little more involved then usual.  I know that he knew I was getting excited by the hardness in my pants.  We continued for some time... I don't really remember how or why it stopped.  But to this day I wish it would have went further. 

I also remember that there were a few guys I knew were gay.  I wanted to talk to them, but they were not part of my crowd and being associated with them would have made people notice me. 

I wish I could have made a different track for myself now.  I wish I could have moved to the big city out of college, instead of moving back to the same small town area, and following a world view straight life. 

But on the other hand. I wouldn't have met a great woman, who has been very tolerant of me, and created a great family.

Wow, where life leads us. 

Where will it lead us?