I don't remember thinking, "I'm gay." in college. I know I was just living in the moment, working to get through school with good grades. I had lots of fun. I went to a school that was known in the area for its partying.
If you read my earlier posts you will know that I was harassed some my freshman year by some unknown people calling me and calling me gay repeatedly. Using words like faggot and homo. They called me out for my lisp. I had/have a bad lisp when I have been drinking, and Lord knows I did my fair share of that. I got that under control with lots of help from my RA, and crying on a friends shoulder. The funny thing is. I don't even remember telling this to my parents, or to the people that I was friends with from my hometown. It was only to those who didn't "know" me that well.
I think that might have pushed the gay thing way back. I was extra careful for a while. I did have several girlfriends, but nothing very long. The only sex I had was with a girl from back home, and happened while I was back home for a summer. (Bad story I will tell later.)
My only gay thoughts were when I was a senior (I went four years like you are supposed to.). My roommates and I would lay on my "Jim's) water bed sometime and just talk, or watch TV. On occasion we would "play" gay. Fully clothed, kinda pretending to get intimate. It is hard to explain. We weren't really on top of each other, but just kinda touching. It would actually turn me on, and I wonder sometime rather it would turn them on too. We would say things like, "Ohhh we are so gay. You are hot."
My one roommate "Jim" and I were on the bed one afternoon. I remember that Jim and I were getting a little more involved then usual. I know that he knew I was getting excited by the hardness in my pants. We continued for some time... I don't really remember how or why it stopped. But to this day I wish it would have went further.
I also remember that there were a few guys I knew were gay. I wanted to talk to them, but they were not part of my crowd and being associated with them would have made people notice me.
I wish I could have made a different track for myself now. I wish I could have moved to the big city out of college, instead of moving back to the same small town area, and following a world view straight life.
But on the other hand. I wouldn't have met a great woman, who has been very tolerant of me, and created a great family.
Wow, where life leads us.
Where will it lead us?