Friday, November 25, 2011

Am I gay?

I have been thinking about the subject of being gay a lot lately.  I think I usually do when things in my marriage get "normal".  That is usually around the holidays.  I think because you spend so much time with family, and focus on the happy things.  Focus on the things that matter.

My wife has been wanted to go do things together.  She mentioned going to a Kenny Roger's Christmas concert.  That would be lots of fun, but I told her that money is such an issue right now, we should be careful with our money.  Over $100 to go to see Kenny Rogers sing Christmas Songs is a lot of money. 

We are talking about "normal" things.  All this normal makes me think back.  Why do I think I'm gay? Is it just my addiction to gay porn? Is it because I read about Men's fantasies about other men when I was a young teenager?  Was it my experiences with other boys when I was pre-teen and teen?

Let's examine:

1. Gay Porn:  Yes I love to watch gay porn.  When I was younger I never got to see gay porn.  Once in a while I would get to grab on to a magazine in the house.  I never knew where they came from, but I found them form my brother, or maybe my dad. I don't really remember.  I didn't really like looking at women and their girl parts.  I only wanted to see the hard core stuff.  At the time, I didn't understand it, but I know that I only wanted to see the men's parts.  I was looking at them.  I even remember when I was living by myself, when I got a video, I wanted to watch the guys have sex with the men, and fast forwarded through any parts with out men.  Later on in my life when I discovered phone sex, I started with the women, but then found that it was a lot more fun with the men.  Okay.  One check mark for gay.

2. Men on Men Fantasies:  I think I have written about this before, but my dad had a book about Men and their fantasies.  I found it and stole it.  I read it a lot in the bathroom.  I always read the ones about Men with other men.  I read the others, but not very often... Okay. two check marks for gay.

3. Other Experience with boys:  I won't get specific, but yes, I had a lot of jack-off sessions with boys, most relatives, etc.... I remember one time, that was not a a JO session where another boy cousin and I were playing house of some kind.  I ended up being the woman, and he got on top of me and "humped' me with my clothes on.  It didn't last long, and I don't remember it really being sexual, but it felt right.   I do remember others that were a little more sexual.  It is funny how my sexual memories as a child are so vivid.  (another story?)  I mean all of them.. I know where, when, what smell, etc....  I feel like these all felt right.  Okay, three check marks for gay. 

4. I have never been in love with another man.  That is the only thing that gets me.  Is it all sexual?  I believe I was on my way to falling for a man.  This is when I was going through the process of telling my wife.  I would have long talks with a married guy, who had told his wife.  We were having secret lunches, and talking on the phone a lot. We only were naked once, and this was with another guy.  He was so nice and sexy, and great it bed, and this was all before our long talks.  I knew if my wife would have said go, I would have ran to him.  We don't talk now.  I think this means I have the capacity to love a man. Okay, four check marks for gay.

I know this is not scientific.  I just needed a way to think about it.  I still wonder.  Maybe I just don't know me.  Maybe I should just stay away from those urges.  Tried it. Is it an addiction?  That's it, I'm addicted to men, and I can change it. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Give Thanks

I want to give Thanks....

Thanks to my wife for all she has put up with, being in love with me, and keeping my secret.  It is a lot of stress on her.

Thanks to all of you for giving me hope for a fullfilling life.

Thank God for all he does for me daily.

For all my friends in the US.  Have a great Thanksgiving.

And the rest of you have a great week and weekend.

You are the best.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Absent Blogger

Sorry I've been absent this week.  I was out of town on a job, and didn't seem to find the time when I was back in the hotel room to write.  I will say I was happy with myself.  I didn't hook up.  I did look for the one night I was in Houston, but it was briefly.  There was even a guy in the same hotel I was in looking, and I didn't even e-mail him.

The other nights were literally impossible, as I was in a small town in Texas.  I was also traveling with a colleague, which was staying on the same floor, so that did help control the urges.

I didn't even watch porn all three nights I was gone.  So...... is that progress?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Davey Wavey coming out advice

I don't know if you all watch Davey Wavey on YouTube.  He is a gay twenty something that has a web blog.  His work is real professional, and I enjoy listening to him. Besides he has a nice body.  He has done a video recently from Rhode Island.  I enjoyed watching it and thought you might as well. 

I have been watching lots of coming out stories lately. I know I am out to my wife, but that is it.  I don't think I am ready yet, but I think I am preparing myself.  I remember when I was preparing to tell my wife, I would look for apartments, think about how I would make it after the outing, and after I got kicked out.  I think this is kind of in preparation in case I am forced out. 

I am not really feeling the necessity to come out, I think I am just subconsciously preparing mentally.

Craving Contact

You know......  I have been trying to figure out this feeling.  I have been having it for weeks.  I want to say it is an obsession, but I'm starting to think it is more than that. 

I have been working in my basement alone for the last year.  I only have contact with people by e-mail and sometimes I get someone to talk with me on the phone about the services I sell.  I do get out to make a customer call every now and again, but that has been limited over the last month.  I think I need more people connection. 

Here is what I do, that is wierd.  I have five different e-mail addresses open. 
  1. One is my double secret e-mail, I give to people who I don't even want to know my first name.  It is on yahoo and has yahoo chat open.  Very rarely do I talk with anyone there, but I used to all the time when I was trying to hook up.   
  2. Another is my secret e-mail, It has gmail chat, and there is one guy I chat with once a week or so. He is a great guy that is divorced and gay.  We knew each other from my hook up days.  
  3. One is my personal e-mail with my wife,
  4. Two work e-mails. 
  5. Then there is Facebook.  I look at it about 4 to 5 times a day.  Reading about everyone else, very seldomly posting anything.
  6. Ohhh... and I almost forgot my Linkedin profile.  I don't have it open everyday, but I spend some time on there looking for people I know, and connecting.
  7. I also have my reader list on my gmail open all day.  When ever a new blog post is posted, I read it right away.  I continue to add new blogs I like to read.  Sometimes in the morning I can spend up to two hours reading stories or posts on them.  I know, I should be working.  I continue to check them all of this all the time. 
  8. I also have to check my stats on blogger.  I love it when I have my viewers.  I am disapointed when there are not enough.
  9. Then there is words with friends.  It may fall into another catagory, but I feel connected when I get a message that it is my turn.  Someone just thought of me.
I find that I am then very disapointed that I didn't get an e-mail.  I crave it. (Ohh there is a new Reader Notification. Be right back............................................  Dang it was just my local newspaper posting a new boring story.)  My stomach is feeling it... It is almost the feeling I get when I'm horny.   But that comes from a place a little lower than the stomach. 

So what needs filled?  Is it the connection with men? The connection with family?Am I ADHD? The connection with people in general?  Or is it I need more intamacy in my life?  Am I lonely?

I could just start more cold calling?  

I think I might start working more in the sunlight and upstairs where I can see outside and see the world. I live in a rural area, so I will see nature, not people.  I need to focus this nerveous energy on work. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Gay in the Media

I don't care if you like Taylor Swift's singing, but you have to admit, that she can write a story, and put it to music.  The only reason she can be called the "Entertainer of the Year" is that she can pack a house. I ran across a couple of her stories that were redone quite well.

The "Love Story" video remake is just her music with a semi story line clipped together.  It is nice, fine and romantic young gay love story.

  Below is "You belong with me."  It is a complete remake of the video done with a male singer.  He sounds pretty good if you ask me, and the production was done well also. 

These are just fun..........

My more and more we are watching this on the internet and TV, more people are seeing gay as okay.  Even if they don't see it as "normal".  They are seeing it more, and allowing it to be okay. 

I watched Glee last night.  I have to watch it when no one else is around.  My daughter thinks it is stupid that a grown man likes to watch it, and my wife doesn't like to watch anything with gay themes.  So, I watch it alone.  Many times it is good that I watch it alone, because I end up crying like a baby.  Last night Kurt and Blaine went to a gay bar.  They both lost their virginity later in the episode, and I think the show did it very tastfully.  Writters did it in contrast to a hetro couple in which the female lost her virginity as well.  Tit for "bat"should I say. 

Monday, November 7, 2011

Post Nuptual Agreement

Okay.  I'm not a lawyer.  I have a healthy respect for them.  But I'm scared to death to talk with a lawyer about what my wife wants to talk to them about. 

Background:  Both our parents have nice amount of assets.  Upon their death we will both get a nice nest egg.  It is inevitable.  Our parents (both) have talked about giving us the assets early, and since my wife's parents know about me, they are stressed about doing it.  So my wife has hinted many times about going to the lawyer (my father in laws) to do the work.

Basically, we have agreed that if her parents give her something, if we end up divorced, those assets will go to her.  And Visa Versa.  I don't have a problem with it, except for one exception, and that is our home is owned by her parents.  We have put our resources into it, so I feel I should get some cash out of it.  Not a substantial amount, but something.

She said last night we need to do this in two weeks, her dad has a new lawyer, and he needs to get this taken care of.  I am only going to tell her that she needs to set up the appointment.  I don't know the name of the lawyer, and am not going to ask her dad for the name.

Her parents have been very passive during this whole thing, and have always been wonderful to us.  And I understand their concern. 

I'm nervous about this one, I want to go into it with my eyes wide open, and in some respects, this is taking care of the financial part of a divorce, before a divorce ever happens. I just don't want to take this one up the ole ass with out protection. It is just going to be stressful, and I HATE stress.   I have a pit in my stomach just writing this.  I guess it is better face it now than latter, and then I can get rid of the pit.  I'm such a damn procrastinator because I don't like confrontation. 

Hmmmmm do you think that has anything to do with why I'm in the closet still.......

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Dancy's Dream

Well.  I've been thinking over the last few days, that maybe, just maybe I should "clean up" this blog.  I have posted some pretty X and XXX pictures and think maybe I should clean it up.  But then I look at who my audience is, and I don't think they mind it the least bit.  But what if I want to expand my audience?

Hmmmm.... Should I go with R rated or just X and not XXX?

Here is my thought.  This blog is supposed to be about who I am.  I am a little bit clean and a little dirty, and some times real dirty.  So should I post who I am, or who I wish I were?  I'm somwhere in between the hymns on Sunday morning and the sins in my dreams.

I heard this on my i-pad while I was taking a shower. It has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it.  It is about a man that is sitting in church, talking about the devil in his dreams.  The "sins in Dancy's Dreams."

"Every night the devil comes and walks through Dancy's Dreams. She(He) take him by the hand and lead him back to New Orleans. A good man's goin' crazy somewhere in between, The hymns on Sunday mornin' and the sins in Dancy's Dream."

This song has haunted me forever.  It almost makes me tear up when I hear it. I didn't grow up in a "Lighthouse Gospel Church," but a main stream evangelical.   "But no one could have guessed
What he was prayin' deep inside."

Listen.  Read the Lyrics.  Find that devil inside of you.

Full Lyrics
Dancy's Dream
Restless Heart

Dancy was a deacon
Every Sunday found him there
At the Lighthouse Gospel Church
With his hands folded in prayer
And standin' right beside him
Was his pretty hometown bride
But no one could have guessed
What he was prayin' deep inside

Dancy has a demon
Livin' Somewhere in his past
That dark-haired Cajun angel
Was the devil dressed in black
Was it really voodoo
Or just weakness in the man
The only time he ever fell
Was when she took his hand
Oh It's been so long, but it's still so strong
Every night the devil comes and walks through Dancy's dream
She takes him by the hand and leads him back to New Orleans
A good man's goin' crazy somewhere in between
The hymns on Sunday mornin' and the sins in Dancy's dream

Sometimes it's almost like
He was never even there
But other times he swears he smells
The flowers in her hair
He never told his secret
No one would understand
She's the only one who's seen
The dark side of the man

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Okay...  Look up "liar" This is what you will find:

World English Dictionary
 liar ('lare) ---n    a person who has lied or lies repeatedly
Word Origin & History
liar  O.E. leogere; agent noun from Anglian legan, W. Saxon leogan "be untruthfule, lie"

Well.  My wife HATES liars.  She always has always will.  Who's to blame her.  I don't.  She believes in her mind, she has never told a lie, and never will.  Well.  Yes I have lied.  I admit it.  I will probably lie again.  When you are in the closet, aren't you ling all the time? Examples:
1. A "friend" says to you as he looks at a hot chick and you are looking at the man they are with, "Boy I'd like to get into that. Wouldn't you?"  I raise my eye brows, or make an affirmative nod with my head.
2. Someone says, "I didn't think you would ever get married." You respond, knowing what they really mean, "What does that mean?"
3. Your wife asks on the phone while you are on a trip watching porn, "Whatcha doing?"  You respond, "Watching TV." 
4. The mom of a teenage daughter asks, "Did you stop anywhere?" and daughter says, "No." You say, "Starbucks." Daughter says, "Oh Yeah, I did stop there."
Well over the last two weeks my daughter has made slight delays, or what I would call defensive answering with my wife.  The last one referred to 4. above.  My wife went off the deep end.  Screaming you are ling.  You always lie. This is the biggest fit I think I have seen my wife throw for years.  I told her to calm down, she didn't see Starbucks drive through as stopping.  Well my daughter left as was best, and then I got the onslaught of being a liar, and asking if we needed to revisit every lie I have ever told.  She went to her room.
My daughter and I were on pins and needles the rest of the night.  Earlier, I wanted to even get it on, but I knew that wouldn't happen.  We were talking about 10 year plans, retirement, etc. But,  I stayed clear of her, only interacting when needed the rest of the night. 
Today.  All is okay.  We haven't mentioned it again.
I'm not saying my wife is bad.  Don't hate on me.  I think that she has always been an over achiever when it comes to life.  She thinks all has to be perfect.  All lies are the same, not telling all the story is a lie.  I have made it much worse for her.  I am a liar, I'm good at it.  Hell..... I'm in the closet. In her book, I lie every day. 
I'm struggling with the lie right now.  I can continue to lie.  I'm okay with it.  I just don't know how healthy it is. 
I love her. NO LIE. It is true.  No really I do.  I do love her.  Honestly. Scouts Honor.
Wow, I get why it is so hard for her.   I have to continue to remind her, and let her know in small ways. I heard on a show that says you must say it at least five times a day for 10 days.  Well maybe I should get started.
And ohhh... I've been wanting to say this Since I started typing