I have been thinking about the subject of being gay a lot lately. I think I usually do when things in my marriage get "normal". That is usually around the holidays. I think because you spend so much time with family, and focus on the happy things. Focus on the things that matter.
My wife has been wanted to go do things together. She mentioned going to a Kenny Roger's Christmas concert. That would be lots of fun, but I told her that money is such an issue right now, we should be careful with our money. Over $100 to go to see Kenny Rogers sing Christmas Songs is a lot of money.
We are talking about "normal" things. All this normal makes me think back. Why do I think I'm gay? Is it just my addiction to gay porn? Is it because I read about Men's fantasies about other men when I was a young teenager? Was it my experiences with other boys when I was pre-teen and teen?
1. Gay Porn: Yes I love to watch gay porn. When I was younger I never got to see gay porn. Once in a while I would get to grab on to a magazine in the house. I never knew where they came from, but I found them form my brother, or maybe my dad. I don't really remember. I didn't really like looking at women and their girl parts. I only wanted to see the hard core stuff. At the time, I didn't understand it, but I know that I only wanted to see the men's parts. I was looking at them. I even remember when I was living by myself, when I got a video, I wanted to watch the guys have sex with the men, and fast forwarded through any parts with out men. Later on in my life when I discovered phone sex, I started with the women, but then found that it was a lot more fun with the men. Okay. One check mark for gay.
2. Men on Men Fantasies: I think I have written about this before, but my dad had a book about Men and their fantasies. I found it and stole it. I read it a lot in the bathroom. I always read the ones about Men with other men. I read the others, but not very often... Okay. two check marks for gay.
3. Other Experience with boys: I won't get specific, but yes, I had a lot of jack-off sessions with boys, most relatives, etc.... I remember one time, that was not a a JO session where another boy cousin and I were playing house of some kind. I ended up being the woman, and he got on top of me and "humped' me with my clothes on. It didn't last long, and I don't remember it really being sexual, but it felt right. I do remember others that were a little more sexual. It is funny how my sexual memories as a child are so vivid. (another story?) I mean all of them.. I know where, when, what smell, etc.... I feel like these all felt right. Okay, three check marks for gay.
4. I have never been in love with another man. That is the only thing that gets me. Is it all sexual? I believe I was on my way to falling for a man. This is when I was going through the process of telling my wife. I would have long talks with a married guy, who had told his wife. We were having secret lunches, and talking on the phone a lot. We only were naked once, and this was with another guy. He was so nice and sexy, and great it bed, and this was all before our long talks. I knew if my wife would have said go, I would have ran to him. We don't talk now. I think this means I have the capacity to love a man. Okay, four check marks for gay.
I know this is not scientific. I just needed a way to think about it. I still wonder. Maybe I just don't know me. Maybe I should just stay away from those urges. Tried it. Is it an addiction? That's it, I'm addicted to men, and I can change it.