I have been thinking about the subject of being gay a lot lately. I think I usually do when things in my marriage get "normal". That is usually around the holidays. I think because you spend so much time with family, and focus on the happy things. Focus on the things that matter.
My wife has been wanted to go do things together. She mentioned going to a Kenny Roger's Christmas concert. That would be lots of fun, but I told her that money is such an issue right now, we should be careful with our money. Over $100 to go to see Kenny Rogers sing Christmas Songs is a lot of money.
We are talking about "normal" things. All this normal makes me think back. Why do I think I'm gay? Is it just my addiction to gay porn? Is it because I read about Men's fantasies about other men when I was a young teenager? Was it my experiences with other boys when I was pre-teen and teen?
Let's examine:
1. Gay Porn: Yes I love to watch gay porn. When I was younger I never got to see gay porn. Once in a while I would get to grab on to a magazine in the house. I never knew where they came from, but I found them form my brother, or maybe my dad. I don't really remember. I didn't really like looking at women and their girl parts. I only wanted to see the hard core stuff. At the time, I didn't understand it, but I know that I only wanted to see the men's parts. I was looking at them. I even remember when I was living by myself, when I got a video, I wanted to watch the guys have sex with the men, and fast forwarded through any parts with out men. Later on in my life when I discovered phone sex, I started with the women, but then found that it was a lot more fun with the men. Okay. One check mark for gay.
2. Men on Men Fantasies: I think I have written about this before, but my dad had a book about Men and their fantasies. I found it and stole it. I read it a lot in the bathroom. I always read the ones about Men with other men. I read the others, but not very often... Okay. two check marks for gay.
3. Other Experience with boys: I won't get specific, but yes, I had a lot of jack-off sessions with boys, most relatives, etc.... I remember one time, that was not a a JO session where another boy cousin and I were playing house of some kind. I ended up being the woman, and he got on top of me and "humped' me with my clothes on. It didn't last long, and I don't remember it really being sexual, but it felt right. I do remember others that were a little more sexual. It is funny how my sexual memories as a child are so vivid. (another story?) I mean all of them.. I know where, when, what smell, etc.... I feel like these all felt right. Okay, three check marks for gay.
4. I have never been in love with another man. That is the only thing that gets me. Is it all sexual? I believe I was on my way to falling for a man. This is when I was going through the process of telling my wife. I would have long talks with a married guy, who had told his wife. We were having secret lunches, and talking on the phone a lot. We only were naked once, and this was with another guy. He was so nice and sexy, and great it bed, and this was all before our long talks. I knew if my wife would have said go, I would have ran to him. We don't talk now. I think this means I have the capacity to love a man. Okay, four check marks for gay.
I know this is not scientific. I just needed a way to think about it. I still wonder. Maybe I just don't know me. Maybe I should just stay away from those urges. Tried it. Is it an addiction? That's it, I'm addicted to men, and I can change it.
Posts
Yo bro!! I think I have said this before. I don't think you are gay. Gay men do not get married, have sex, and have kids. As a gay man, I am an expert on this. There is an absence of any desire to be sexual with a woman however beautiful we believe women to be (and I do appreciate the beauty of the female form).
ReplyDeleteThat said, you are clearly somewhere in the middles of the Kinsey scale in the area many identify themselves as "bisexual" (whether you would feel that term applies to you, I do not know.)
It appears that you have sensationalized in your mind male/male relationships. I suspect that if you experienced them more that they would not be so tempting as "forbidden fruit." However, you do have a wife, and your marriage is something important. Exploring your same-sex sexuality may not be a viable option if you are trying to keep your marriage intact.
I hope you and your wife are continuing to build bridges with each other, and that communication is getting better.
Robert... I always appreciate your perspective. If I am not gay, then let's say i'm at 98 on a scale of 1-100. I have only had one real relationship with a woman. I have completely explored the man to man sex thing. It would make some gay men look like prudes.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the well wishes. I am not talking much to her about my life issues, but we are getting along fine in life at the moment. One day at a time.
I often wonder how gay am I, really, but I'd say that I was more gay than straight, not just 50 / 50. It is probably the same for you, but when I read your list, you seem pretty gay to me.
ReplyDeletePoint #4 "never been in love with another man" is probably just a question of availability. If you were single and Mr. Perfect came along, I've no doubt you are capable of falling in love with him.
I can only speak for me but I was married for thirty years and raised five great kids and now that I am divorced and "out" I know that I was gay all along. I just called myself by other names. I'm sure if I were growing up today, I would have not felt the pressure to do what small town conservative boys do, ie, go to college, get married, raise a family, etc.
ReplyDelete