Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Am I evil or just a sinner

Okay.  I'm struggling with posting again.  I don't no how open to be with my readers.  Everything I have ever written on here is true, but sometimes, I'm still afraid of being judged.  I know for the most part it is anonymous, but I know a few of my buddies read what I have written.

I hate to be judged, and I hate confrontation.  Why do you think I'm in this mess in the first place. I'm not perfect.  I call my self a Christian, and I do things that some would say make me NOT a Christian.  But I don't disagree with that.  All Christians are sinners, do things that are wrong. But when do they move from wrong and a sin, to evil? Because you know better, and should do better.

Let me know.  I have something written, that I want to express, but am scared.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Man's Touch

What is it about a man's touch?  I crave it, I love it.

When I think back over my life, there are some touches that are ingrained in my mind. One is the time I felt my wife's body against me naked.  It was really the first time that I was with a woman, or a man naked, feeling their body against mine.  I can feel it right now.  It felt so good, and was so exotic.  Do you remember that. It wasn't really the sex I remembered.  It was the feeling of her touch.  I still love when she touches me, but don't get it enough.  The weird thing is that I get that touch so little, when I do, I don't know how to react, or how to feel.  It doesn't feel right, although I want it.

The second one that comes to my mind is the first time as an adult I touched a man I met on the down low.  It was the feel of his arm.  It was slightly hairy, and felt amazing.  I will never forget it.

I think that is sometimes what I crave.  The touch of another persons body.  Sure I love the sex, but it is the feeling of their skin against mine. The last time I was with a mine, I remember the ..... yeah you know, but what really is stuck in my mind is the feeling as he lay on top of me, me on my stomach.  His legs wrapped in mine.

Touch.  This is what I want.  Why do I want it from a man so much?  I think about that all the time.  

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Hey guys.  Flaws.  That is what I have been talking about alot.  My Flaws, and things that get me down.  here is a blog that I read some, and a post I like.  He talks about how we should take our Flaws and turn them into something positive.

I am working on making my "flaw" something positive for me and my family.  Don't jump me that being gay is a flaw.  I see it as what God gave me.  I want to make who I am, and the position I have put myself into a positive thing.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Who am I?

Hey readers.

I've been reading all these great blogs out there, and have found more and more of the bi/gay bloggers are starting to talk about Christianity.  I too am a Christian, and go to church almost every Sunday with my daughter and sometimes my wife.  I sing in the church choir, and it is one of the best parts of my life.

It is a very accepting church, but still based in the gospel.  I love our pastor and parishioners at the church. They fill me up each week.

I have been thinking more and more about living life as a gay man.  Not like most people would, but as I and others I know do. I'm gay. I live the heterosexual life style. Why can that not work?  Why do I need to come OUT?  I know there are many posting about how I am not happy, but that is when I push myself to be someone I'm not, and go to a place I do not want. I don't want to live out.  It scares the hell out of me, and when I think about everyone in my life knowing, it scares me worse.  I want to be who I am right now.

Who am I. I'm a guy who loves men, sexually and emotionally.  I'm a guy who loves my wife and family. I like to be intimate with her. Why, I ask why, should I give all of this up, because some would say it is not normal.  Especially someone who is gay.

Gay people can be judgmental too.  I'm married to a woman.  Live with it.  I was born this way.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I hate this feeling!

Happy New Year to all of you.

My New Years has started out pretty bad.  I have a sore throat, and stuffed up nose, but I think it is all stress induced.  I did it to my self.  I usually can fight off a virus, but when I am stressed, it takes all my energy to fight the feeling.

I found something on my work computer that I can not get off. Let's just say it shows some things the company wouldn't like. You can guess what it is.  The files are in Read Only, and I can't change the capabilities because I'm not an administrator.  I have been sick about it, but reality is, no one will ever see it unless I am no longer with the company.

Well this is causing me to have that feeling in my stomach that I really, truly hate.  I feel like I'm going to vomit when I think about it.  I may be making a change in how work is structured etc as well, so there are just a lot of unknowns right now.

I know that is why I'm sick.  I did sleep well last night, and woke up with a sore throat at 4:00.  Maybe if we get passed that, I can focus on the good stuff.

On the good side, if the job stuff works out, I could be back to making some good money.