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Yesterday..... what was on but the Down Low episode. J.L. King was talking about the Down Low. I know I've seen it, and probably made sure my wife didn't. But it made my wife want to talk about why we are staying in this marriage that isn't going to last. We didn't come up with a good conclusion, only that we are staying the way we are for now. It was not a fight. There were tears, and a good discussion.
I think the most important thing that I got out is that I don't want to live "gay". Let me explain that. I don't want to live out. That is how I feel right now. Even if we do break up or divorce. I'm not ready to be "out". I think she is surprised by that, and I don't know if she believes me, but that is how I feel right now. This is important for her to know, because she has said before that if we break up she will not keep the secret, and let everyone know why.
The other thing that was brought out is what will happen to our children is she were to die. WOW. I said, "What do you think will happen to me? I will stop being a parent, and not do what I feel is best for them." She is afraid that "when" I do come out that they will not have anyone to turn to. I don't think that is true. I think that is one reason I am not ready. I want them to be older to handle it. They are in high school in a small town, and can't imagine how that will effect their life as they are developing. (Will I come out when they are out of the house? That is another post.)
Maybe we have to talk about it each day to make this work..... I hate to communicate about feelings, and this is the hardest thing I do. Conflict is not in my nature.
"Maybe we have to talk about it each day to make this work"
ReplyDeletePerhaps I missed something or I don't remember correctly...have you ever clearly stated in this blog that maintaining your marriage is what you want?
If not, you are certainly implying it now. Saying that you don't want to come out similarly suggests that you want to stay married.
If that is what you want, that's a mixed orientation marriage. They can work for some couples but both partners have to agree; sometimes it's the straight wife who doesn't want to stay married.
About your wife's need to talk: her whole life has been turned upside down - for a full year! She's trying to figure out what to expect, what she needs to do, etc. She's expended a lot of emotional energy. Now it appears that she is getting tired and impatient.
If you want to stay married, you need to be much more proactive because she is emotionally preparing herself for a split. If she finishes grieving your marriage she will reach an emotional break point. That's where she'll decide that she's had enough despair and she's ready to move ahead with her life - regardless of what you want. If she reaches that point it will be extremely difficult to win her back.
So, as much as you don't want to talk, if you want to preserve your marriage that is exactly what you must do. The sooner the better.
The thing is, before you talk to her you have to clearly and confidently know what you want. If you communicate confusion it will only frustrate her and push her toward accepting the worst. (If it was good news, you would have told her already.)
When you have it all clear in your head, you have to communicate to her exactly what you'd like your lives to be like. That's the opening round in a set of negotiations to see if you two can come to an agreement to maintain your marriage. She'll answer you back and eventually you'll either come to an agreement, or, you agree that you can't agree.
The proverbial ball is still in your court but I worry that she'll soon decide that she's done playing this game.
Two Lives:
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post. I do want to stay married. She has known for over three years, and we did do some therapy for about a year.
I agree I need to communicate exactly what I want, and we can negotiate from there. Maybe that is the problem. I know I want a relationship with her, but sometimes feel I can't be without some male affection. That is probably my biggest problem. I don't know that if I was honest about that if we would have even gone as far as we have.
That will be the toughest conversation, and as I have said tense conversations and I don't go well together. I just want to get through my children out of high school...
Can you tell i'm confused as hell. I feel selfish, because I am. I feel like I'm hurting others because I am.
The answer is to man up and discuss it. Damn you Oprah, and TwoLives.
Not Alone,
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a good man, you really do. But, what do you expect from this woman? She is clearly trying her best. How would you feel if something like this happened to you? You've gotta cut her some slack...maybe counseling again would be in order.
You have my sympathy because, like you, I don't care for confrontation and messy emotional discussion but you've got to talk to her, especially if you want to see men on the side. You know she'll eventually find out if you aren't honest and then there will be no way to salvage your marriage. As hard as it is, you have to do it.
I have been reading some of the blogs on your list and others and am amazed at some of these women. The grace, strength and support they (almost all) have shown you guys humbles me. I don't think I could do it. You owe these women a lot and they definitely deserve to be spared any unnecessary pain.
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteYou are right most of the women that go through this are great. I know my wife is a wonderful woman, and I never have said anything less. If I do it is in anger.
She has showed nothing but compassion as I have sucked her into this secret. I want us to get out of this with the least amount of pain to the others concerned. Wife, kids, family, and lastly me. I put me last, because I deserve to be pain free last, as I got us to this situation.
Thanks for your post.
Not Alone,
ReplyDeleteYou don't DERSERVE pain. You never asked for this. I know that. It's not a matter of punishment for either of you. It's about minimizing the fallout. If you can't live in a monogamous relationship with your wife and she can't accept an open marriage then to be fair to both of you you need to make a decision. One that takes into account what you both need.
I don't know if you still sleep with your wife but if you do you need to understand the risks. I work with a young man who has AIDS. He got it because of choices he made. He was introduced to his wife by their infectious disease physician. His wife has AIDS, too. But not because of a choice she made but because her "bisexual" husband was not honest.
Don't put either of you in a position like that. If you think your choices are painful now, I can't imagine the pain you would cause if your actions brought your family a tiny fraction of that pain.
I hope you don't feel me harsh. I really don't wish you anything but the best.
Don't worry about being harsh. Non of this is things I haven't thought about. You are completely right. Sometimes doing nothing is making a decision. I think that is usually how my wife and I communicate.
ReplyDeleteThanks for caring. Life continues for all of us, and sometimes to get through it all we can do is nothing.