Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Letter to my daughter

I'm not ready to send it, but I think I should start thinking about a letter to my daughter about who I am, and why I am where I am.  Then if/when I am forced out of the closet, or want to come out, it is ready, and it doesn't have to be written with so much emotion.  My daughter would not be able to sit and have a conversation with me, so I think I would need to start that way.

She is about 18, and an only Child.

Do you have any suggestions, or good finds in the blog world that would help?

Let me know....

Monday, November 26, 2012

Out Q - Gay Radio

I listen to out Q out XM radio a lot when I'm on the road.  Not always because of the "gay" talk, but because it is entertaining.  They other day.  My wife decided to take my car to work, and I had left the station on OutQ.

She called very upset.  We had a brief conversation on the road about how I need to just go and be happy.

We had more discussion about the "gay" topic then we have in a long time.

The one thing I told her that sticks in my mind.  Is I'm Okay with me, how I am right now.  But I hate that she got so hurt by it. Physically and emotionally.  She says she will NEVER trust anyone again.  Probably won't.

Not much more to say.  Could be a wild Christmas.  

I know we will be having a talk soon about where we go.  I think this took the scab off of the wound.

I'm putting on a brave face every day.  Don't know where this will lead.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Going Well... For Me...

Life is going well for me.  I think my wife is still about to break.  I don't know how to fix her.  That is what men do, fix.

With her dad being sick, maybe moving into town, and just not sure about me, even though I continue to assure here, she is still on the edge.  We signed the post-nup.... I think that helped some, from a financial security side.

I think there are many changes happening from her parents side.  They are thinking end of life thoughts.  Not living to make their quality of life NOW good.

She is working all the time.

My daughter is starting to become stressed all the time now too.

I am staying calm, because that is how I deal.

I think we all are hoping that time will fix it.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Rambling from a lost blogger

In one of my last posts, which was months ago, I said I was turning over a new leaf.  Well now with the fall colors over, and the trees about bare, I have turned over a new leaf.  I am working more diligent in my new office space upstairs (I'm out of the basement.)  and getting a lot more done.

I do still find time hear and there to indulge myself, but I have not been keeping up with my blogger family, and the vlogs I like to watch.

That is okay.

Life has been real hectic.  I have been on the road ALOT.

My wife has been real busy at work, but that is her design.  She told me the other day, that the only thing that keeps her sane is the work. It is the only time she feels Okay.  I wish she would go talk with someone about it.

We are going through lots of changes, and she wants assurance from me that I will be around.  I keep telling her I am happy where I am, and the plan is to stay here.  She is worried about me being "happy".  And I of course am worried about her.  I want her to be happy, but I don't know if she will ever been in the current situation. We have not had sex in months.  but I have been happy with self indulgence, and a brief encounter here and there.  I think only once in the last three months or so.  I'm cool with that, and have basically told her that.

We have the Post Nups signed.  This is good because my family has given me my "land inheritance."  So I wanted to protect it.  And I know that my father-in-laws health is not good, and they are making many end of life decision. Now they can go through with some of them.  But this brings on many emotions for my wife. Do we want to stay here, do we want to move.  I really love it here. I love the farm life.  We will see what a winter brings without my father-in-law to pick up all of the pieces that come with wintering horses.

It has been a lot of work, and we will see if we can keep this commitment to the farm as well as everything else.

I hope my wife is coming to the conclusion that we are different.  Our family is always going to be different, whether we are together in the same house, or not.  I think a big portion of why we are together is shame, and "what will others think." As well as what will it do to our daughter. I think that is true for both of us. She is still worried about her health, and the effects HPV is going to have on her body.  I am too.   She and my daughter watch the HPV show that Dr. Oz had on the other day.  I think all married men should watch it.  I watched it later, and it is scarry.

I rambled there, but I haven't posted in a long time.

Hope all is well with you.

Friday, August 10, 2012

The Silent Killer

I have been struggling lately about alot of things.  And since this is the place that I have chosen to talk about them, I guess I shouldn't deny you or me of the benefits I get from talking about my issues here.  Only a few people that read this know who I am, and fewer yet have actually had sex with me..... That is why I guess I have decided to talk about it.

After my wife found out I was gay, and having sex with men, she went and had a full battery of tests... she of course has her Pap Smear test as well.  It came back abnormal, and we had to go through the whole discussion of, "I have HPV."  For a man, this can sometimes mean nothing, your body can fight off some HPV, but there are many more that are of concern.   Read this article if you are worried. 

But for a woman, it can cause cervical cancer, and if not caught can become fatal.  The rates are huge.

I say this, because I feel the gay community, and the down-low gay community are very naive about HPV.  We all worry about HIV which we should, but this can be deadly, for the women we love.  The worst thing about HPV, is that you don't technically have to have sex.  Get naked with someone and rub cocks together..... that it.

So my wife has been going through biopsies and tests over the last month, so far everything shows no signs of cancer, but there is a high probability that she is going to have a historectomy. She(we) do have the kind of HPV that causes cancer, not the kind that "just" causes warts. Of course this comes on the heals of her dad's diagnosis, and treatments.

Shit I have had so many emotions.  Guilt, Shame, anger, sympathy, Shame.  Why did I have to do this to my wife.... the one person that has loved me.

I can see this tearing us apart more. An already rocky relationship because of trust has become sharp pointy rocks because in many respects, I may have given her the death sentence.   Not knowingly.  I didn't know I had HPV, until she told me......   This also has me looking at finding a doctor to do a Pap on me.... There is suggestion that men who have anal sex have a pretty high rate of anal cancer....  I probably won't, but I will watch for signs....

That is the problem with this silent killer.  You don't know you have it till it is too late.  I have suspended my sexual activity..... My hand is now my partner....  I feel bad because I have no clue how many others I may have given this too....

LAST WORD..... Have Your Daughters and SONS, protected with the vaccine.  It prevents the bad ones, but the statistics are pretty high.... If you don't have it, can Older men and women have the vaccine as well?  I don't know why not?

Friday, July 27, 2012

Turning Over a New Leaf

I spend too much time thinking about sex......

I am going to try to turn over a new leaf.  Today, I'm moving my office upstairs, from the basement.  really it is just moving my laptop upstairs and see if I can make the small space in our "office" work.

In the basement, I can set around in nude... Watch porn in between business calls, or even during them.  I can do what ever I want, and have time if anyone comes home to cover it up.  The real "office" is on the main floor and I have to be more accountable.... more careful.  I may have more distractions, but they are different distractions......

I hope this helps some.... for now.....   who knows.....

On another note....

I am so tired.  I had to get up early Wednesday and Thursday to do some training at a company... Of course I stayed up late, like I always do when I'm on the road.... I hope I can make it through the day, and get what I need to done.... Now off of the blog and on to work.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Cruising the M4W when you really want M4M

A nice guy that I came in contact with from my blog and I have had some great conversations on Google chat, and he told me about one of his tactics to find guys to have fun with.  I haven't tried it, but he cruises the M4W section of Craigslist and sends a nice message to them.

Very nice, like, "How's the luck with the ladies?  Male/30 could take care of you.  Good luck." 

He says he has a 20% success rate or so.   Hmmmmm, I might try.  I love meeting other married guys like he does. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Post Nuptual Meeting with Attorney

Well my wife has been nudged to get an appointment with the lawyer next week.  Her dad's illness has got her off of dead center.

I wanted her to make this contact. She has the name of the lawyer she wants to use, and I thought it needed to be her deal.  Basically, all we need to do is have an agreement that anything that comes from her family is hers, and anything that comes from my family is mine if we get divorced.  That it will not be split 50-50.

I think this will precipitate her parents giving her the house we live in and the farm around it.  Just like my parents have already given me all the land that is mine.

It will be a good move, and I feel good about it.  I think it will remove the financial pressure if a divorce occurs.  There are still many things in the house that would need to be split, but that will be much easier.

There are also retirement accounts and other financial assets, but all of those were added since the marriage, so those are easy to split and valuate.

Last post about this.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Monday, July 23, 2012

One more encounter with the "Shit, Shit, Shit" guy

No I don't mean the real shit.  I had to interact with the guy from the post "Shit, Shit, Shit".  End's up he is a councilor at my daughters camp.  As we walked in to register, he was at the table with 4 other friendly faces.  I kind of backed up, and let my daughter take care of most of the checking in as I stood with my wife.  The kid got up quickly when he saw me.

He moved back to the tee shirts, that he was responsible for, so I couldn't tell if he got up because he was interested in be efficient with his job, or because he saw me, and recognized me.  I know he recognized me.  How could he not.....

He did give my daughter an awkward hug, and the strange interaction didn't take long.  So it was a weird day.  He is kind of a shy kid anyway, but I still have a worry that he will be forced by his conscious to say something to someone, who will not be so quiet.  Just a bad thing...........

Also the first time we took my daughter to this camp 4 years ago, is when I told my wife I was gay.  We(mostly my wife.) make sure we are super busy after we drop her off, to keep our minds off of that crazy day.....

We also talked about the pre-nup again, which is of course brought on by her father being ill.  I think it is a good thing, and will bring up some discussion.

I will also be out of town for two nights this week.  My wife will have some alone time to think.  I hope she slows down enough to do some thinking about life.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

FDA Approves Pill to Prevent HIV

FDA approves Truvada, first pill to prevent HIV infections

This is good news, but I have some reservations...

First...  will people take it so they can have more bareback sex?

I think they will.. There are other STD's... and they will not be prevented by this Truvada.... Will we see more bareback porn?

Second...  is it really going to work?

I don't know that I want to test it out. 

Third...  it is going to cost an arm and a leg

Insurance companies will be forced to pay for it so we can have unprotected sex.... The article says it will cost $13,500 a year.  Will only rich people and those who have good Health Insurance be able to afford it.  Will "Obamacare" see this as preventative?

Good questions... It we can get the all people in the world to take it for three generations, maybe we could eradicate it from the earth.  I guess that can be a hope.

Here is an article on it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Confusing as Hell

I'll tell you. As soon as I have this figured out, something comes along, and changes my mind. I'm in a pretty happy spot right now, but I can tell my wife is stressed beyond belief. She will say things like "I'm about to break." and "I need to find a good place.". We both are gaining weight, and I'm sure part of it is she is not happy.

I keep saying I'm good with where I'm at. I am but I don't want to be the one that is keeping her in an unhappy place. Also my father in law was just diagnosed with a form of cancer. Chemo should take care of it, but he takes care of so much for us. I think this is putting so much more pressure on her. Her parents are her rock! Remember, they know about me.

I had a 15 or 20 minute talk with an acquaintance today. In the day we used to fuck around with a group of guys, He had been married for 30 years had four kids, and was a preacher. He is now retired and gave me some good advice.

The biggest take home is I sm not going to change. I knew that, but I think my wife needs to know it. I have come to realize that maybe we need a plan. An exit plan if you will.

I also talked about the coming out process with my friend. I told my wife I want to live like I am. And not as a gay man. But aft we taked, I think that may be fine for a while, but I think I will have to actually tell the people I am closest with that I am gay.

Not live a big fat gay life. Just a life, and by the way, I'm gay.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Awkward.... Shit, shit, shit

Well yesterday I went to the event that I was sure would be awkward. The young man I saw at the testing clinic and I were in the same place. Even worse, I was with my daughter and wife. I think he was too busy to look around and see me.

I tried hard to make sure I was looking the other way the whole time. So far so good. One more round, at least, this summer.

It was made worse by the fact that the boss who let me go over two years ago was there also. I had not seen or talked to him since. He did walk by and say hi. That is all I said Hi as well. If looks could have killed, my wife's would have. Actually it was funny, but I had a headache from the stress.

Forward with the day.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Faith and Justice

I love Jack Scott's Posts.  I just don't have time to read them all.   Here is one I love about Faith and Justice.

I think this goes to the thought that life isn't fair. Why do bad things happen to good people, and God will only give you what you can handle.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

One of my favorites.... Gone

One of my favorite video sources is gone.  It is not kiddy anything, but it always had hot guys on it.

Ohhhh well.  I'll have to move on to others.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Shit, shit, shit

I just went and got an HIV test. It is a place in the suburbs, that does it for free. I have been two or three times. And it is basically just for gay guys, or people who want an HIv test. I had a hell of an awakening, as I walked in, I noticed a young man sitting in the waiting area. I walked in, and then realized..... Shit... I know this kid. From my real life. He is about 4 years older than my daughter and has been to a camp with her. It has been several years ago, but I have seen him since here and there.
At the moment I realized it, I was committed to being there, and he had seen me. I said, hi, but that was it. We had to sit in the waiting area together for about 5 minutes.
I couldn't leave. I thought there might be a possibility he had no clue who I was, as you know how teenagers are. They never pay too much attention to anyone except themselves. But I'm sure he is a friend of my daughters in Facebook.

Shit, shit, shit...................

I hope it goes no further. I know I can't say anything.
I am neg..... I hope he is the same.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Facebook Timeline

My life....   I know that Facebook has made everyone go to Timeline.  And I wondered what my life would look like on there.  But then I realized you would have to combine my online life  and my online in the dark life to find out my actual timeline.

I now have a secret Facebook account.  I wonder if I should make a timeline for it... Show the day I realized I was gay.... the day I fell to the pressure of the straight world and got married.  When I started gay porn... when I started hooking up....  When I told my wife the secret....

What do you think???? Should I?

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Welcome to my world of truth(or lies)

I want to listen to this again.  I think that sometimes we just need to let it go.  I haven't for a while. I'm in a pretty good place.... 
Watch the first video for sure.  This guy is a great vlogger but also is true to who he is.  
I think that is what I have to remember. 
 I am true to myself.  
I am a gay man, who has chosen to be married to a woman.
That is who I am.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

My weekend adventure!

Well My wife and I had a great time on our vacation.

In our cabin we had no TV, no Phone Connection, No cell Phones, Texts.

We did have air conditioning, refrigerator, stove, microwave, nice hot shower.  We also took along our i-pads for reading, and playing games together, and individually.

Like I said it was a good trip.  There were some bumps.

The first night, my wife came to bed naked, and of course.............  Well, lets just say she enjoyed it.  I did as well, but didn't have that ever important (to her) Orgasm.....  Well it made her say, "We need to figure this out."  She started to cry........  Not how you want to end sex.  It was pitch dark in the cabin.  We started to talk about what we were going to do.  I told her I didn't want to be "out", and I didn't see myself anywhere else.  She feels like she has me trapped in a corner. I didn't respond much.  I just shut down during important conversations. She reminded me of our discussion about how she said she could live without sex, and I said I couldn't.  I did remind her that the hand does work wonders.  I think to her it was resolved.

We held each other, I think we both slept well, but I woke up with questions internally, about how the rest of the trip would go.   We had a great rest of the vacation, and even had sex two days later, and I did have the bit "O".  It is so much pressure, to know that if I don't find it exciting at the moment, that she is going to cry.   

The rest of the time we(she) talked alot about the future.  Like we will do "this" in three years, etc...  I don't think I'm more confused, but I do think we can go on like this.  I need to curb my sexual apatite, but I think we should continue for a while longer.

Not that I will change, but we will be able to talk about it more clearly when time has passed, and we have more options........   I do worry about her.  She stays so busy so she doesn't have to think about anything.

So the weekend was great and relaxing.  My wife is fun to be around when there is no pressure, and that is how we need to be for now.  Our daughter is gone for several more days.  We may get around to "talking" more, but we will just see.

Friday, June 22, 2012

What am I? #2

I got a lot of response. I appreciate all of your words. Yesterday was a day of unknown. I had new clients, and just had been gone for a long time. I broke down and had great sex with a hook up., and of course that sets in the guilt. My wife and I are going away for 4 days, alone. I think I'm worried about that as well. We may be in a place where there is no TV. No Internet. Very little phone service. So it could be interesting. My only is going to leave the nest in about a year as well. I think there was so much unknown yesterday, that I wanted to check out. Not in a kill my self way, but in a go back to bed way. This life is very unknown. I'll keep riding the ride, and be as happy as I can.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

What am I?

I am overwhelmed today. I am at a new clients today...... Away from home, my daughter is leaving for a week before I get home. My wife and I are going on vacation as soon as I get home. I am eating free breakfast at another hotel, and I want to go to bed and cry. What I am thinking is, I hate that I'm not the father that people really think I am. I'm not the husband people think I am. I'm not the father people expect me to be... I'm not the anything, anyone thinks I am. I am the closeted gay guy. I don't want to be the out gay guy. What do I want?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm so Gay.

I'm sitting here watching Glee graduation episode.  Eyes have already watered twice.  I'm so Gay!

And then there is this!!!!!!

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Bible and Homosexuality

This is a very long discussion about the bible and homosexuality.  Let me know what you think.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.  I sat down at my computer this morning at 8:00 started to work on a proposal for a customer. I didn't open my personal computer, or go to my blog, or read other's blog.  No e-mail, no porn.  I started to get withdrawals.  Anyway that is what I am calling it. I have been on the road, and not at my computer all but one day in the last two weeks, and today I am at home working.

My gut has this knot in it because I want to be on my computer.  So of course, here I am I opened up my computer and wrote a little ditty about it.  Will it stop here? I have work to do here.  I should just bust a nut and get the feeling gone, but instead I will just let it eat at me until I can get a release.  This is the biggest challenge of working from home.

Okay... is this an obsession or an addiction.

Edit:::::  20 minutes later, favorite Porn, favorite free chat line.... Ready to work.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Contact with an old friend

I called an old friend the other day.  Over my "wild gay times" he was one of my best buddies, and friends.  I say both because we started out as buddies.  We had many naked fun times together.  One of the best three ways I have ever had he was involved in.  But later on in our "wild gay times"  he became more of a friend, than a buddy.  He wasn't really interested in hooking up anymore.  We would talk on the phone every day.

The calls would usually be about general life stuff.  Work, kids, marriage.  But we would also talk about who we got naked with, what flakes we talked to etc.... It was a great brother/friend relationship.  After I told my wife I was gay, I had to stop calling him.  It was making it hard to continue my straight married life and talk with him.  I just had to cut it off.

Now we talk about twice a year or so.  I called him last week.  It was so good to hear his voice.  Like a brother that was gone for a long time.  I am kind of sad I waited so long.  He has been going through some hard things.  They may all end up being good things, but they are hard for him.   He changed jobs, and also separated from his wife, and getting a divorce.  He has been married as long as I have, but doesn't have any children.  I think he is still deep in the closet as well.

I feel for him... I wish I would have been there.  I know he has other friends. He has a life, but I feel bad I wasn't there for him.  I may go to lunch with him next week.  I will be in his town doing some work, and if we can both get away at the same time I will.

If my wife knew she would SHIT.  She thinks that me having contact with my gay buddies or friends is just like an alcoholic hanging out with their drinking buddies.  I don't think she gets what gay is.  But that is for another time.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Post Secret

I love to listen to TED speakers. I just downloaded the app for my iPad.  I have tried to watch one daily.  They only take 10 minutes.  A person from my home town, who has inspired me, sent me a link to a TED video.  He knows my secret, but doesn't know who I am.  I think it scares him to have my secret, because he doesn't know who I am.  I know his family real well.  I think he is a little weirded out by me. Because I am an unknown.  I think if he knew who I was would could be friends, but right now I don't want to drag him into the drama.

Okay now to this TED video. I think I want to do this..... Watch this video...............Frank Warren's Half a Million Secrets.  Then after you wipe your eyes.... come back and find out about my secret.

Here is Frank's Response to one of persons commenting on the video.  I think he is very insightful, and I love his last sentence.  "Secrets can be walls or bridges."  I think I have let mine be a wall, and even when I let my wife in on it, it continued to be a wall and not the bridge that it could and maybe should be.

Apr 9 2012: Thanks for your thoughtful comment about my talk Michael. 

I wonder if the reason so many young people mail secrets to PostSecret is because some of the institutions that were there for for their parents have changed. The mental health industry is focused much more today on chemical solutions than the talking cure. Church membership among young people continues to decline and even families with two wage earners can be pressed to find time to really be present and listen to each other. 

As a parent I know it's tough to get my daughter to really share her inner-self with me, but I know if I tell her one of my real secrets first that helps.

Secrets can be walls or bridges.

My secret............. I'm afraid it will continue to be a secret, unless someone pushes me out in to the on coming traffic.  I   get a minor (very minor) panic attack when I think about everyone in my life knowing.  
Reading the blogs here have helped me to know that life will be okay if everyone knows, but it will be different. 
Let me know your thoughts about the secret......  

 Is yours a wall or a bridge? 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Easter Love, Easter Struggle, Easter Forgiveness

I Love Easter.  For me it means a new chance, and a new start.  But what does this new start mean when I know that I will not change my ways.  I know that I will continue to be with men behind my wife's back.  Jesus Died for our sins.  

What I struggle with, is "Did he die for our sins so we can continue to sin over and over and over again?"  The same thing. Continue to do things that you think and you are taught are not moral.  

I struggle with praying in church with images of this man in my head. Literally.  I want a clean mind and heart, but I do not have it.  So I have to continue to believe that God forgives me.

Here is what I always think about.  There are people who continue to gossip, and tell lies, and do not love their neighbors as they do themselves.  They will continue to sin, and do these things.  Will they make it to heaven?  I think I have as much of a shot as they do. 

Easter is about forgiveness.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

New Underwear

 I need some new underwear....

I think these would do. Actually I like trunks....
2 xist Essential No-Show Trunk
The weird thing is my wife gets upset when ever I talk about new underwear.  She thinks I am trying to look good for someone else.  There are other things I would like but can't because she sees each of the "new" things as going out of the box, and it reminds her of changes I made before I told her I was gay.  She doesn't want any changes.

My daughter and I talked about tattoos the other day.  I told her I would take one.  She told my wife, and she said, "Since when did you decide you wanted a tattoo?"

Triton 8.0mm Comfort Fit Tungsten and Carbon Fiber Engraved Wedding Band - ZalesI said, "I told you that I would take one over the heart, and exactly what I would want it to be."  She denies it, but I have told her at least two or three times.  She just blocks out any change.
Men's 10.5mm Tri-Tone Stainless Steel Link Bracelet - Zales
So for now, no new jewelry.  I want a new ring or bracelet.  I don't wear either now.  No new underwear, unless she is around when I do it and the others have holes in them.  No tattoos.  No new shoes....
Waaaa!  Waaaa!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Two of us Alone

Maybe it is because hotels make me horny, but the real reason, is we put our mind at ease, and all the other cares of the world went away.

This is why I think going on a mini vacation was really good for my wife and me.  We both didn't have an agenda, but we got to spend some quite time alone in a room with no other pressure on us.  We were not thinking about the dog barking, the work that needed to be done in the yard, the report I should be writing, the sheets that need cleaned, the floor that needed swept, or if someone was going to come home early and break the silence.

Needless to say we both had a great time this weekend without our daughter and in a 4 star hotel for two nights.  Reality had to break today because I had to come back to choir for church, and she back to the horse show.

I hope my daughter got to relax as well.  Watching the bull riding was fun also.

Thanks all for your thought and prayers I know they helped.

I will keep on keeping on.

Friday, March 30, 2012


When my wife gets really emotional, it all comes out, and I am always lost for words.  I don't know how to communicate and I shut down.

Well today, my wife comes into the house.  I was working in the kitchen and making some soup.  She is hot sweaty and I could tell she was upset.  She and her dad had gotten in a fight about things around the "farm."  I use the word "farm" because it is a hobby farm.  It was about money really... and that he was tired of spending money on her hobby.  That is really irrelevant to the point of the whole story, but it put her mood and other words into perspective.

She says that nothing in her life is in order, and that we are a scam.  I only said, "I think you are wrong, this is not a scam." I said, "I love you."  She says that sometimes she wants to get in the car and drive off and not come back.

I don't know how to help her.  I sometimes carry the blame for all that is bad in our family.  I caused her to question who we are.  I made her not secure in her future.  I just wish I knew how or could make it all better.  That is what men do. We fix it.  I think she was a little better before she left.  I will meet her early evening.  She will better, hopefully the evening will go better.

As I told you we are going away this weekend, and my daughter is leaving town for a fun church group outing.  So it should be fun.  We are also going to the PBR bull riding this weekend.  Can we say:

On another note, last night my daughter found out that someone is not taking her to prom.  She was so upset.  I hate to see my family hurting.  I hurt for her.  She is better today, but I know she is searching for acceptance, and friendship.  I want to make her feel better.

I think this all flows to why I'm in the closet.  I don't want to hurt anyone, and want everyone to feel good.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Men on My Mind

It has been bothering me lately that I can't get it out of my mind.  I drive down the street, and I see all humans, well mostly men, as sexual beings. Back in the day, I remember reading that this is all about porn, and it is what porn does to you.  It makes you see all people as a sexual person first.

I do.  I see a guy walk into a restaurant, and I think about what his cock looks like, what he looks like naked.  If he has ever gotten a blow job from another guy.  I don't think about things like what he does for a living, where he lives, or what he is going to order.  I go straight to I wonder if he will have sex with me.

Sometimes I get really annoyed with it.  Especially in the professional setting.  I am currently doing consulting in an office, and one of the main people who is my contact is fucking HOT.  He is stressed out, and needs someone to help him through his job, but every time I see him I think about holding him in my arms, and relieving the stress.  Feeling his naked body.  It is not just because he is hot.  I think about it with old guys, or guys who have a gut.  It is just the first thing I see them as.

I wonder if I would think this way if I had never started to watch porn, or if it is just how my brain is wired.

This weekend I get to spend time with my wife.  We are staying at a 4 star hotel "downtown" and taking in some events.  It should be fun.

I am a little worried about sex.  I don't know why.  I just find it nerve racking.  We have not had sex much in the last three months.  Mostly because she has been sick, or I didn't push it because of my concerns.  Actually since my first trip to Orlando which was January 15th, we have had sex once.  Once a month doesn't seem like much.  I have had sex with that many men in that time period.

I think it will go fine.  Just always nervous when we go away together.  I think part if it that I think she will want to "talk".  I hate "talking", even though I know we should do more of it.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

THIS is what I'm talking about

As you know, the other night I went to my first gay bar. It was okay and I met s guy, we connected, but it wasn't meant to be. But all in all, it was a fun experience. Well I went back the next night. This night looked more promising when I entered. There we more guys, and they looked a little more my type. I orders my beer and found a place to sit down. I said a quick, "I've never heard that song before,".

After my first beer, I went outside to drink my second one. The were four guys standing around talking, and every now and again another guy would come out and walk through the "back". A few said hi, but moved along. I finished my beer and left. Smelling like smoke again. I was a little bumbed and felt like I was in college again, and leaving the bar lonely again.

 Earlier in the day, I was going through CL, and I noticed a guy had posted from my hotel. I sent him an email, but I thought it was a long shot. He looked hot but he w looking for a sissy. I am far from that, hairy and a beard... Not going to work. I did have a guy lined up for tomorrow after my seminar, so I was not too worried my trip would be a complete waste of time. I was hanging out in my room and got an email from CL and my ad from last week. It was a guy from my hotel. He was looking to hook up. We emailed for a few minutes and then he was ready to come over. I was excited.

 I don't think that we stopped touching for several hours. It was great. We were pfext together. I loved touching hm and he I. Well he left the next morning at 7:00. And we made plans to meet tonight. I sent him an email to tell him I was interested. Nothing back. I went to eat dinner, and continued to check my email. I kept thinking it was going to be a bust. Well. As I walked back into the hotel, I saw him walking past me. 

He didn't see me. I waited so he was going up the elevator before I did. Later he emailed me that he worked hard all day and just got in. He still had work to do. I told him I understood, but I was disappointed. He was a great guy, and we could of had a great evening together again. We both were unsatisfied in our real life. He with his male partner I with my female partner, I am not complaining, it was a wonderful experience. This was one of the best hook ups I have ever had. He was so passionate, and so into making me feel safe and good. He was happy when he left as well.

THAT's what I'm talking about.

Monday, March 19, 2012

First Gay Bar Ever!

Wow everyone. Tonight I went to my first gay bar ever. I'm in Orlando for the week and I thought, "Well tonight I'll just go out to eat and stop by the bar before I went back to the hotel." This is very unusual for me. I usually don't do things like that. Take that kind of risks. I know you may say, that shoot I take risks all the time. I have written about them. But this is a different risk for me. I never really liked going to bars by myself. I feel uncomfortable. Like a lump on a wall.

 Well. I pushed myself to a limit. I went in and the first thing I noticed was the smoke.... I hate smoke. I pushed through it and ordered a beer, sat at the bar. I drank my beer, and was about ready to go when the bar tender asked if I wanted another one, it was happy hour. I decided what the hell. So I had another one. No one talked with me the whole time. I sat, and read a LGBT magazine.

 Half way through the second beer, I notice people we going outside. I went out and said, "Hi." to a guy sitting down. He was bigger than I would normally pick, but really I thought I would just talk with him. Soon. I decided he was interested in more, and I wAs falling for him, not his body. He interested me. So we started to get closer. And we talked more about us and our life. It was nice. I sat next to him and we started to talk more, touch more.

He was not a regular, as you could tell they were all talking with each other. We did go to a corner of the back area and do some kissing and light foundling. He was too nervous in this setting, and didn't want to come back my hotel, because he worked tomorrow. I was disappointed, but understood. We talked a little longer, and then we left. It was fun because we followed each other's cars for a little while. Okay. Will I keep my hands off of my cock tonight and not watch porn? If you remember I gave that up for Lent. I had a good time. I'm glad I went. Who knows I may go back.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Heading back to Orlando

I'm heading back to Orlando, and of course both my heads are spinning.... 
One is thinking how nice it would be to cuddle up in the arms of a man, and the other one is saying how stupid it would be.  I have started too look for a play mate.  Of course there are lots of takers.  When I say lots I mean about 10 from one ad.  

Most of them look really good.  I always question the ones that look too good.  I wonder if it is a scam.  

I will probably meet up with one of them, but when you get lots of choices, it is hard to make a decision.  Some will flake out by then, and others will have conflicts.  I always keep my options open till the last minute.  I hate doing it, but I have been left with no one before.

Then on the other side there is the deceitfulness I feel I am pulling on my wife. She still doesn't completely trust me, so I have to stay in contact a lot, and my playtime is limited.  It is not like we don't have sex any more, but it has become very limited, but I know she sees that as a sign.  But honestly we have both been very busy, and I haven't been in the mood much.  My daughter is staying up later also.  My wife is so nervous that she can hear everything from our room.  It may be true, but it makes it hard to find time for some private time.  

So Next week will be a test of will power.  I will hook up, I know it.  


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Work is Kicking My Butt

Hey everyone.  I have been so busy with work, I have not had time to attend to my blogs here.  I actually have to blog on my work site as well, and I am behind on that.  Next week I will be in the home office most of the week, so that will help.  Then back to ORLANDO.  Yes the city that started my scary as hell week.  But I will be safe on this trip!!!!!!!  I will be by myself this time, so who knows what kind of trouble I will get in.

Does anyone have any thoughts about what I should go and do while I'm there? Remember I only have from 4:30 till about 10:00 each evening, so most of the park are out because I don't want to pay $85 for a couple hours in a park.

I had an awful feeling in my gut the other night.  My wife and daughter and I went to a nice dinner theater.  The first thing the one actor said was, "I am Jim, and this is my partner RJ."  My stomach dropped, and I thought damn.  Not another gay show.  I had no clue.  But thank God, later on it became apparent that they were talking business partner.  I was so pissed.  So, we had a great evening.  I know my wife caught it as well, she always does.

It is just a weird feeling.

Talk soon everyone. Hope to write in the next week.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Passion in you life.

I saw this picture on a blog I follow. I couldn't help but become completely turned on.  I think it is the passion in our lives that keeps us keeps us "turned on."  Sometimes that isn't sexual passion, it is the passion for our family or the passion for our friends, or a cause.

Right now my passion has been my work.  Thank God I have kept busy, and started to make some decent money.

Keep the passion in your life.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Being busy is a great thing

My jobs have kept me out of the basement.  For the next couple weeks, they could keep me out of the house as well and that will mean my Lent offering will be easier.

Not really thought about sex at all much for the last couple of days.  I worked tonight till about 10:30.....

Friday, February 24, 2012

WOW... This may be really hard

I have decided that for Lent, I am going to give up porn videos.    This may be the hardest thing I have ever tried. I know... I may be addicted to the stuff, but maybe this will show me what I'm made of.  I have still looked at still pictures, on the blogs I follow, but that may make it harder.

I need someone to be accountable to.  I don't have any buds I can call when I have a hankering for some porn, and they can talk me out of it.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ash Wednesday

I went to Ash Wednesday service at my church last night.  It was a very thought provoking service.  Beautiful Choral music. Of course the pastor talked about sin, and how God loves us even though we are sinners.  It was healing in an odd way.  I thought of my own mortality, and how whether I'm out and gay, or in and gay he loves me just the same. Whether I'm dead or alive, he loves me.

I did think about giving something up for lent, or doing something special just for lent.  

Do you do something special during lent?  I thought about not watching porn for 40 days.  It could be done, but it would be hard.  Maybe just not watching video.  I also thought about reading out of the bible every day. Boy those two are on extremes....

Again, What are you doing? 

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

10,000... really

Yeah!!!!! I can't believe it but I have had  almost 10,000 visitors to this little ole, blog.  Wow....  

It is hard to believe that many people are interesting in this gay subject.  

It helped that I did a posting on free balling.  

Thanks everyone.