Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Happy New Year!!

Hey everyone.  I hope you have a happy new year.  I have been laying off the writing as you can tell.  Temptations are all around during the holiday season.  I have been good!!!!!!!  Stay Happy...... and know you are not alone.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Be Happy Where YOU Wake up with Every Morning.

I'll tell you.  Christmas keeps me busy. But, that is a good thing.  An idle hand is the devils hand. I always seem to get closer to my wife during the holidays. I think it is a very special time for family.  There is a lot of love and hope in the air. Maybe it is because I get closer to Christ as well.  Christmas has always been special to me and I guess I want to keep it that way.  Christmas used to be a time I went "Shopping" and know one would ask questions.  But I don't do that anymore.  My wife would be really suspicious, and I am trying to keep me and her happy.

It is also a time to reflect.  My wife and I were talking the other day and she said this had been a weird year.  Well I wanted to say they all have been since I told you about being gay 2 1/2 years ago.  But I thought this one was a little calmer.  Not as much other family turmoil.  She asked, "Are you happy where you wake up every morning?" I pretty quickly said, "Yes, I am."  She worries about it alot still.  I think she is afraid I will wake up one morning and say, "I'm not happy. Goodbye."  I don't know what will happen. But for now I am happy where I wake up.

So Merry Christmas everyone! Stay dear to those close to you. Be happy where you wake up. There is love and hope in the air!

Merry Christmas.  Jesus is born.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I heard it again.

I spent some time with my family recently.  I love them dearly, but because they don't know that I'm gay, they sometimes say the dumbest things.  It leaves me in a weird position, and a weird mood for a long time.  This time we were out and about.  The women wanted to go to Michaels.  You know the craft store.  My dad flicked his wrist and said "Michaels" in a weird kinda higher pitched lispy voice.  I kinda just stood there, and my brother did the same thing.

I said to them, "What do you mean?"  They said, "Ddoesn't that name just kinda make you think sissy?" Or something similar.  Of course I'm not out to them, so I say nothing, and don't try tell them they sounded real hickish.  Thank God my wife didn't hear this conversation.  Of course I didn't tell her about it either.

I then have to make a decision.  I wanted to go to Michaels with my wife and women in the family. Should I go?  Will they wonder? Will I hear anything?

Well I went.  I like the store, and I don't find it "gay" at all. 

I hear these negative things about gay people from them.  I don't think they care about where are to whom they say it.  Is that what is shaping my thoughts about coming out someday?  Does it mean they will not accept me? 

Like I said in my previous post.  I have so many questions and am thinking about so many things right now.  I'm  a little scatter brained. 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Cronicles of Narnia - Voyage of the Dawn Trader

WOW! I loved this movie.  But now I'm so confused.  It has so many lines about morality, temptation, love, hope and faith.  Sometimes these all are so conflicting for me.

"Don't worry about defeating the darkness on the outside, worry about the darkness within."
"You don't want to grow up to be like me, wish to grow up to be like you."

They go on..... I need to think about life for a while. 

If you have seen it, let me know what you think.  This is the best of the series.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

What would I do if I were 28 in today's world?

I have thought of this many times, and talked to lots of younger gay/bi guys who were in the same boat I was in.  If I were 28 and in the same boat I was before I got married, or met my wife, I think I would have not gotten married.  I know hind site is 20/20.  But especially if I knew what I knew now, I would not have gotten married.  I would miss the chance to love the people I have.  And that has been great.  But I would probably live in the closet to most of the world, and live a dual life of a gay man.  Never married.

I think it is healthier for everyone involved.  I would not have put my wife and her family through hell.  I would not have went through the guilt.  I would have been true to me.  Not true to the culture and family. 

For all those 20 and 30 somethings that are reading this, and are Gay/or Gayish or Bi.   Think long and hard about what you want and what you can NOT do if you get married.  If you get married stay committed to the marriage or get out now.  Don't have kids.  I would hate to screw up a young life because I can't be who I am. 

Have a nice evening.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Wow. Good article

I was searching this morning on the web, and found this article. I could relate. Damn I wish there was an easy answer. Wish I could combine all my lives together, and everyone would accept them.  It just sucks some days.  Decisions in the past screw things up, but time changes perceptions.  What I mean is that now, I wish I wouldn't have screwed up my wife's life, but society and my life was different then, and it was the best decision at the time. Gay was not a possibility when I was in my 20's in a small midwestern town.

By the sounds of this article, it might have been a little easier in NYC, but it was still frowned upon.  Hope you enjoy the article.

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life.


Friday, December 3, 2010

What will the kids think?

I think of this problem often. I think that was the thing my wife was mad about the most when she found out.  She understood to a point the getting married, but her question was, "Why have kid?.  Why bring kids into this?"  At the time, all I could say was, "I don't know." But once I thought about it, my answer was, once I was married everything was OK.  I was curred. Our marriage and everything that goes with that was good. So why not kids?

I do think after kids a marriage changes. For me it really changed in "that" department. It left me needing something more. Thinking about my needs.  I was a selfish man. Come on. Not that I wasn't fooling myself.  I was gay, before and after.  But I was trying to be straight, and I was cured, you know.

So back to the question, "What will the kids think?"  Well in my case they may never know. But I listen for homophobic comments all the time. I don't really get any. But want to know what they think of gay people. I think for teenagers it is different today.  They know openly gay kids, openly gay adults, and see gay people on TV all the time. To them it is almost normal.  What isn't normal is that their dad is gay. This, I think, is a harder thing to understand for them. But hell, getting divorced and having affairs is common place, and they usually handle that pretty well.

I just worry alot about what would happen if they found out.

I know children grow up in gay households and turn out perfectly fine. So is it different, when they have been told a lie by and about the person they have loved for ever.  I'm not a psychologist, but I'm sure they have trust issues with men, among other issues with those they love.

Will they be embarrassed?  I know one guy who is out to his family and his teenage daughter kinda thinks it is cool.  But I know a grown woman with a dad who is gay and she and her husband make fun of him and his "boys."  So I think it depends on the child and what the culture or society around them thinks. 

I don't know that there is an easy answer, but I know I have a therapist on standby if something should happen. I biggest goal is to make sure she is happy over the happiness of me.


Hey readers.  I have been rather busy this week, and haven't had a chance to write. Let me know if you have any suggestions on topics.  I have a few in mind, but maybe you can give me some input.

Merry Christmas, Early.