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I have thought of this many times, and talked to lots of younger gay/bi guys who were in the same boat I was in. If I were 28 and in the same boat I was before I got married, or met my wife, I think I would have not gotten married. I know hind site is 20/20. But especially if I knew what I knew now, I would not have gotten married. I would miss the chance to love the people I have. And that has been great. But I would probably live in the closet to most of the world, and live a dual life of a gay man. Never married.
I think it is healthier for everyone involved. I would not have put my wife and her family through hell. I would not have went through the guilt. I would have been true to me. Not true to the culture and family.
For all those 20 and 30 somethings that are reading this, and are Gay/or Gayish or Bi. Think long and hard about what you want and what you can NOT do if you get married. If you get married stay committed to the marriage or get out now. Don't have kids. I would hate to screw up a young life because I can't be who I am.
Have a nice evening.
I love your blog, and I am reliving so much of my life thru it.
ReplyDeleteI got married at 21,(it was the thing to do, even though I knew I was gay from the time I was 13) had two son's by the time I was 27, divorced by 30, (I could not live the lie anymore) Had a 16 year relationship with a man who died of AIDS, another 10 year relationship with another man, then anther six year relationahip, then met the "ONE" whom I have been with for a year. My ex-wife and I are still best friend, my two son's love me unconditionally and my parent's (That I thought would disown me) have been very supportive, so every person's path is different. I just wanted you to know that life is good!! Please continue your blog and I hope you get other's to chime in with their stories.
Thanks for commenting. I think you gave me a title for another post. "What is Really Keeping Me in Our Secret."
ReplyDeleteI try to write it in a conversational voice that makes others feel like they are talking to me. It is not always well constructed, and the grammer and spelling may be really bad. But who cares!!!!!
Thanks for reading. It makes me want to keep writing down what I'm thinking.
Keep Living the good life, and being an ispiration to others out there by your life.
I know I will never completely understand the guilt or worry of a gay man or woman who has entered a marriage and has children.
ReplyDeleteIt is one of the reason's I moved when I was 25. Religious expectation and the guilt associated along with the pressure to date and settle down became burdensome.
I knew I could be a woman's best friend and always wanted children. I also knew how unfair it would be not to be able to give a woman everything she deserved in mate. That would include meaningful sexual intimacy and not just being able to go through the motions.
I know men who went into marriage not fully aware of their sexuality or not completely understanding it at the time. Others have entered marriage because they felt it was safe while being completely aware of their sexuality. It's those instances that are unfortunate because you take advantage and use another person.
What I do have a hard time understanding is the divorce and its impacts on the children being used as a case not to let either parent move on.
I'm assuming in your case that you and your wife must love each other and obviously love your child. While I understand the household dynamics would change with divorce, it does not mean your child will be loved or supported any less.
Regardless of age, 5, 10, 20, 30 - A child will still have to work through issues with trust, betrayal, etc. The key is honesty, love and consistency in their life. We are all imperfect and make mistakes in life. It's how we recognize those moments, learn from them and use them as teaching points to our children, to our friends or to faceless strangers who may read our blogs.
What if your own child is gay? Sexuality aside, you can always teach your child to love and respect themselves and others. But, the lessons you provide are always more meaningful and lasting when not only given in word but shown by example.
Good luck to you, your wife and child in your journey. I have enjoyed your blog.