Saturday, November 27, 2010

Will My Family Love Me?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Not because I'm contemplating coming out, but because it has always  been a question in my mind since I relieved who I was. My wife and I had discussed this a lot when I first told her. My family is the epitome of small town, conservative, christian values.  I hear fag comments when I'm at home all the time. Not directed at me, but in everyday conversations. They know people who are gay, but they do not know anyone real close to them. 

I guess the real question is not will the LOVE me.  But will they want to be around me or accept me if they were to know. I think some would, although they would treat me completely differently. I think they would have a long period of morning, and loss. I know gay would "disgust" some, but they would come around.  I think the problem is most people, including my family, see being gay as a sexual thing.  They can never imagine sex with someone of the same sex, so to them that is disgusting.  Well here is my thought.  I can think of some sex between people of opposite sex and think, "How disgusting."  When I say that I mean, dirty, gross, unclean people, having sex disgusts me. 

It is about who you long to love and be intimate with. I think that is the hard part for them to understand. As I've said before, If you are in the closet you sometimes make it all about sex because that is all that you will allow the world to see, and that is all that you can keep "down low" with out the world or your family knowing. I could not allow myself to get close to another man. So I understand in a way why people think it is all about sex.

I remember right before I decided to tell my wife, I was confiding in several guys, but one was still married, but living "apart" from his wife.  I was starting to fall for him.  I wanted his comfort.  To see him was so exciting to me.  Once my wife and I decided to stay together, I had to pull away quickly.  He understood, and pulled away as well.  But again, that was easy for him as well. 

So again, it is not all about the sex, and I think once people figure that out, they have an easier time accepting that their loved ones are different.  Some in my wife's family know.  They accept me, but they are part of the secret as well.  Not telling anyone, and yes they do treat me a little differently.  But maybe I just take it differently because they are part of the lie and secret.

Will my parents, and siblings ever know? Or do they already "know" but won't admit it? Will I ever tell them?  I don't know what God has in store for me, but for now these questions will stay in the closet with my wife and me.


Friday, November 26, 2010

Did I tell you? My wife now knows.

Well..... Yeah. She knows. Several years ago, through weird circumstances, and me pulling away, things got really strained in our marriage.  Maybe it we me wanting to get out because I was gay, or maybe it was just I was not happy. It could have even been that she was not happy. We started going to a therapist.  I started first, and went on my own. She went individually, and then we would go as a couple off and on.

After a while going, I finally broke down and told our therapist what was up with me.  I think I discussed whether I should tell the therapist with one of my buddies first. I told him I thought I was going to tell the therapist. He thought that might be nuts, but didn't stop me, he knew how difficult of a decision it was.  He was in the same boat. I met with the therapist in a private session.  I had decided I was going to tell her. It was probably, at the time, one of the hardest sentences to get out of my mouth. You should have seen it.  A 40 something crying, trying to get words out of my mouth. They just wouldn't come.  It seemed that it took 10 minutes, although it was probably only 1 or 2. I repeated.  "I'm... I... I don't know..." over and over. Crying and nervous. This was something that I had only told to complete strangers, very anonymous. Forty years of vowing to tell no one. Now I was going to say it?  Are you crazy?  It was very hard.
I finally got the words out to the therapist, "I'm Gay." I don't know if she was shocked, but we continued to talk.  I don't even know what was said after that. I don't even know how many more sessions had passed before I decided to tell my wife.  I decided that if my wife and I were to make it, I would have to tell her the whole truth. I had screwed her life up enough, I might as well tell her why. I remember my wife ironing and talking about our problems, while I was in bed watching TV, and me thinking in my head, "Damn, I screwed this up. How can I screw someone up like this, and they don't even know why."  I think it was for her that I wanted to tell her at the time.  But now,  I don't know if it was selfless or not.  It might have been selfish. It is that secret thing. 

Now she hold my secret too.  I think when you tell a secret like that, usually the person telling the secret is relieved, but now the other person has a secret. 

Well we are still together.  It has been several years.  We are not perfect, and keeping it together for family and our child is part of it. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The internet on the DL, and why random get togethers

I started on that spiral of the hook up, when the Internet started to be available to all.  I started on chat lines, and moved to phone, and then to the real thing.  Technology has been easier and easier as it went along.  No wonder my wife hates technology. I can't speak for all married men, but the ones that I have talked to turn to random hook ups because they are easy to get out of.  There is now emotion, just immediate needs are met.  I did have some buddies, but we eventually became friends and not "buddies".  If you know what I mean. I got my need met and would not have any expectations afterwards. 

The other thing that attracted me to a random thing is the adrenaline rush.  The rush of the hunt, the rush of the unexpected, the rush of the newness.  You knew at the end of the encounter what to expect. I have always felt pretty safe with the people I have found as well.  I think maybe only once I thought, "Get me the hell out of here." But for the most part very respectful and safe.

Short today.  More later.  Thanks if you are reading.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Early years- My first thought of men

My dad had this book. I don't remember the exact title, but it was something close to "Men and their Fantasies."  I found the book and horked on to it.  I hid it and read it every time I had a chance.  I was a boy you know. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade. I found those times I really needed to be alone in the bathroom I went right to the fantasies about men on men.  I read some of the others, but these really got me going. I loved how they made me feel.

I never really thought, "Boy I'm gay." That wasn't an option in the mid 70's. At least not in my house. I remember playing house with all the boys, and sometimes I took on the role of the female. I didn't mind, but made sure I didn't act like I enjoyed it.  When I got older, there were the locker rooms, and guys showers. I had several guys I loved to look at. I also remember taking pictures of guys with no shirts on in highschool for the newspaper.  Now I enjoyed that.  But I wasn't gay. I was just kidding myself, I had to.

I think much of me didn't want to disappoint my family.  My grandparents, and everyone around me.  I was that high achieving guy who would go to college and become something.  I did.  But I didn't think I could do that when I was gay.  To tell you the truth, I didn't really even think about being gay and how tough things were, because it wasn't an option.  I knew I couldn't do that. For many years I just thought it was a little perversion I had.  There are some things I will never write down, I don't have any memories about guys sexually that were bad. I had some that were uncomfortable when I was in high school and Jr, High, but nothing traumatic. 

Girlfriends.................  Hmmmmm.... I had girls I liked.  I even tried to go out on dates.  I had one in highschool.  One only because when I was a freshman my date stood me up before the dance, and when I was a senior a sophomore said I could go to Prom with her because I cried on the bus coming back from a school event. (I think i was drunk too.)  I call that my mercy date. In college I had two girl friends.  They were two or three months each.  No sex, maybe kissing.  That is it. They never lasted long. I had lots of friends that were girls.  No girl friends. 

Did I think of guys. Hell yes.  Did I let anyone know.  Hell no.

My bullying that didn't go anywhere.   THANK GOD.
In high school I was never confronted, because I was in the cool crowd.  No one ever called me out on it, nor did I feel different.  College was different.  When I was a freshman in the dorms.  I started to get calls from a guy and a girl that started to talk about my lisp.  I have one when I have been drinking.  They called me a "queer with a lisp." and other derogatory things.  It really upset me.  I talked to my RA and a friend across the hall.  I cried about it many times.  The RA was very good and we called the campus police.  They didn't think there was anything that could be done, as they didn't threaten me.  After I told the callers that I had called the police, they stopped.  It was very traumatizing to me.  I shut it out of my mind more now, and didn't talk about it, because that would show that they were right.  If I talked about it then people might ask questions.  I didn't tell my parents or any family members. They may ask questions.

I don't remember having many feelings about guys in college.  I think I was too busy being drunk and having fun. I know they were there, but I was too busy to worry about it.  I had some good friends in college that were male. I really had to get to know a male before I could be friends with them. But they couldn't talk about me and women, or dating etc. It was either all about academics, or all about drinking, one or the other. They had to let that subject just go if I were to let them in. 

I've rambled a lot today. But these are my early years of thoughts and suppressing being gay.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


It is Sunday morning.  It is quiet.  The wife's alarm woke me up early this morning so I couldn't get back to sleep.  I started thinking about my blog.  Maybe this is for me, but if someone reads it great! 

Why.  Why am I married, gay and in the Midwest. Well it is easy to know why I'm in the Midwest. My parents bred and raised me here, and I love it here.  But I think that is the biggest reason I am gay and married.....   I'm in the Midwest. I got married in the early 90's I was 29. I had strong feeling for men, but the only place you would find a man where I lived would be at the road stop.  I couldn't do that. Prior to meeting my wife, I would call chat lines, and spend way too much money. Remember this was before chat rooms on the Internet, before Craigslist, before those other ways to meet men anonymously.  Of course I grew up in a christian conservative family.  In a small town where the only out gay guys were "weird".  Gay was queer and homo and "limp wristed".  That was it. I was not and could not be that.

But when I was introduced to my wife, she was the one person that made me feel normal.

Normal.  I had feelings for something "normal."  I fell in love with her.  I fell in love with the people saying "I never thought you would get married."  I loved being and feeling normal.  I was CURED.  I thought of her and her only. I love her.  I did.... and still do.  She is my normal. Did I know I was Gay?  I had not admitted it to my self.  I thought I was just one of those weird guys.  Like the guy in my small home town that everyone called a queer. Now I was normal. All those feelings I had just got suppressed I guess. I didn't think of them anymore.  I was in love. The first time and the only time.

It was great. It WAS great.  Still isn't too bad, but it is very complicated.  That is what this blog is about the complicated gay and married in the Midwest.

Till next time.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Where to start

I have been going to do this for years.  I'm just afraid that I can't stay anonymous. I'm not out to very many people.  Only people on the down low themselves, and some gay men I think I can trust.  My wife.  She has told a few people in her family.  No one in my family really knows.  They may suspect, but don't know. I am going to put my thoughts together, and hopefully will share them and hopefully along the way help someone.  I hope to write later.