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The other day I was laying awake in bed, next to my wife, and started to think about how I got where I am today. I reflected about our engagement party in my hometown. I remember standing at the bar surrounded by people I know, getting a beer, when someone I know said, "We didn't think he would ever get married." I know my wife remembers that phrase being said, and I know I heard it. I thought at the time, what do they know.
Well they knew exactly what I knew, and was not willing to admit, I was gay. But society in 1995 told them to say nothing.
While I was lying in bed I started to get pissed. At my friends, and my family, at society in the little town. Why couldn't they say, "Are you gay?" Why couldn't they really mean it, have a conversation about it. I was only 28 at the time. Never had a gay sexual encounter other than adolescent messing around. I would have loved to have a discussion about it.
The consequences of the small town head in the sand, lets not talk about it makes me angry. The worse thing is, I am guilty of the same thing... NOW.... But don't feel I can do anything, because I would out myself. So then I'm mad at me, and it is a cycle.
So I go back to sleep, wake up and do the day all over again.
So are you saying that they knew you were gay? If they knew, then why wouldn't your wife and her family also know (or at least suspect)? I think it's more likely that someone would talk to her and suggest she call of the wedding.
ReplyDeleteIn 1995 it was a very different time. Now it's almost fashionable to be gay. At that time it was just completely shameful. I'm not surprised by what happened to you. The problem is that now it's probably too late to exit. But not impossible if that's what you really want.
Don't beat yourself up. That accomplishes nothing. You grew up in a different time. The choice here is that you stay married and ride out this situation, or make a major life change. The second option is really hard to do.
Thanks for the words... Her family only knew me for 6 months when we got married.... but.... she knows about me, and so far we have decided to keep together....
DeleteNice that she knows, though!
DeleteYes, it's good that she knows. Probably makes you feel less bad about this.
DeleteIt is nice that she knows. But now she is burdened with the secret.
Deleteshe must have loved you a lot. Kinda surprised by the fact that you and your wife are still together even she knows.
ReplyDeleteShe does love me. I'm surprised that she continues as well. But I'm blessed that she does.
DeleteI'm a 60 year old man new I was gay in Junior High. prayed that I wasn't. At 25 I got married had 2 kids and was married 18 years before seperating in 1998 and divorced. Even then I wanted to come out but could not see the way to do so. Instead ended up dating a family friend for two years before we broke up in 2001. In 2008 met a guy and we became great friends. He was out and we were seen at restaurants. we had talked about me coming out. I finally got the courage up to tell my kids. all went well. told the rest of my mediate family. Being seen out with this guy someone at work knew he was gay and thought I should know, so finally had enough and as they said at work I blew the hinges off the Closet Door! Never been happier! I guess what I'm trying to say is when and if your ready to change your life it will happen. everyone is different. and not all take that step. only you will know.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the words. I'm sure there are lots of guys with our story, with slight adjustment. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
DeleteYour life could have been my life. I had the required dates in high school for the prom and really only dated one young woman but we never had sex. I was seduced by a young woman in back seat of a Monte Carlo when I was eighteen. It was the only time I had sex with a woman. I had sex with guys starting in the sixth grade. I was with my best friend who joined the Marines when we graduated from high school. After college I moved to Dallas so I could be gay without telling my parents. I was too ashamed of my gay life to come out to my family. I lived a wild life, did a lot of drugs and had sex with a lot of guys. In 1994, I had to call my family and tell them I was gay and had AIDS with six months to live. It shocked my parents as they were always in denial. I watched my partner die along with most of my friends before my job transferred me to Denver. I ended up in twenty year relationship which ended about three years ago. The man of my dreams is now married to man of his dreams. The point of all of this is that each person chooses a journey. You chose the path I didn’t. I live with a compromised immune system, which, is now just a chronic health condition and no longer a death sentence. I have a good life and I’m sure you have a good life too. I may have more freedom to see guys, but I’ve reached that point in my life where I am often seen as past my expiration date. Life is all about choices. You never know where you’ll go, what you’ll do or who’ll you’ll meet. I wish you all the best in 2016.
ReplyDeleteThanks, and I hope you have a great 2016 as well. Life is interesting, to say the least. And each of us chooses a different path.and we all have good times and bad times, and hopefully the good outweighs the bad.
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