Thursday, June 21, 2012

What am I?

I am overwhelmed today. I am at a new clients today...... Away from home, my daughter is leaving for a week before I get home. My wife and I are going on vacation as soon as I get home. I am eating free breakfast at another hotel, and I want to go to bed and cry. What I am thinking is, I hate that I'm not the father that people really think I am. I'm not the husband people think I am. I'm not the father people expect me to be... I'm not the anything, anyone thinks I am. I am the closeted gay guy. I don't want to be the out gay guy. What do I want?


  1. you put that part of your life in a compartment and move on. We all make decisions, we all have different desires. I play when I can but realize i will never have a true male lover. Keep your family and be safe...i know your feelings

  2. A tough position. I imagine being out would mean being seperated from your wife and family. But, denying yourself what is natural is unhealthy too. How much longer can you keep this up? You need to be the father and husband for you and your family and not for others. I wish you much joy & happiness my friend. Life is too short for anything else.

  3. I was the married closeted guy for many, many I'm the semi closeted separated gay guy.

    I know fear was a factor for me in the early years, but as time progress it had more to do with not hurting anyone and avoiding conflict. I was prepared to accept living with my choices, then one really was other factors that caused me to change my mind. There was significant turmoil initially, but then, you just go on with your life.

    It wasn't long before I got comments from friends, associates, the family doc and dentist making me realize just how much stress I'd been under for all those years. Many questions were posed, but the question of sexuality was never asked (I was surprised!, but I wasn`t going to deny it if it came up. Being a caregiver puts a lot of constraints on my time, so I`m far from having a full social life, but there are some great groups here - its great to join an activity when I can. I could put my daughter in care more ooften and have more of a social life, but I choose not too.

    I guess I`m saying you have to make your choices - we often build our own barriers. Our choices don`t always turn out the way we expect, so `Expect the best, prepare for the worst`.

    `No matter how many times I break down, there`s always a little piece of me that says, No, you`re not done yet!

  4. You deserve to be happy. I disgree with "anonymous".... a lifetime spent pretending that you are something you're not, being miserable, is no way to live your life.

    You've been reading my blog. I've been through some difficult times this year but am emerging happier than I've been in over 10 years. I survived and you will to! Coming out as gay doesn't have to mean losing contact with your kids.... they may quickly discover (as my kids did) that it is better living in two happier households than one fraught with tension.

    1. I disagree. It's not that clear cut and feasible to come out and cut ties with your family. Everyone has a different sense of family and place stock in scenarios that others haven't. There are some that spend their adult lives worrying about what they will inherit from their senior citizen parents. I could care less but it doesn't make me right to advise you not to as well.

      Not alone, this is that Jeremiah and I think what you go through is beyond tough. It may relieve tension you feel inwardly but there is no guarantee how it will affect the relationships around you. Only you can decide if it is worth disrupting them and if you're strong enough to deal with the fall out.

  5. Another way to look at your life--our lives--is to realize that your gay side is a plus. Acknowledging it allows you to be fully yourself. Perhaps you're not meeting your own ideals as a husband or father, but ideals give us challenge to improve, right?

    I'm wondering, as I read your post, what brought this on for you? Is it that you're away from home and family and you feel disconnected? Work sometimes does that, and so do other life stressors. Is it a more serious depression that could be helped by a professional? Hang in there, friend.

  6. Thanks everyone. Still working on my thoughts. I Don't think I'm clinically deppressed, just confused a lot.