Early years- My first thought of men

My dad had this book. I don't remember the exact title, but it was something close to "Men and their Fantasies."  I found the book and horked on to it.  I hid it and read it every time I had a chance.  I was a boy you know. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade. I found those times I really needed to be alone in the bathroom I went right to the fantasies about men on men.  I read some of the others, but these really got me going. I loved how they made me feel.

I never really thought, "Boy I'm gay." That wasn't an option in the mid 70's. At least not in my house. I remember playing house with all the boys, and sometimes I took on the role of the female. I didn't mind, but made sure I didn't act like I enjoyed it.  When I got older, there were the locker rooms, and guys showers. I had several guys I loved to look at. I also remember taking pictures of guys with no shirts on in highschool for the newspaper.  Now I enjoyed that.  But I wasn't gay. I was just kidding myself, I had to.

I think much of me didn't want to disappoint my family.  My grandparents, and everyone around me.  I was that high achieving guy who would go to college and become something.  I did.  But I didn't think I could do that when I was gay.  To tell you the truth, I didn't really even think about being gay and how tough things were, because it wasn't an option.  I knew I couldn't do that. For many years I just thought it was a little perversion I had.  There are some things I will never write down, I don't have any memories about guys sexually that were bad. I had some that were uncomfortable when I was in high school and Jr, High, but nothing traumatic. 

Girlfriends.................  Hmmmmm.... I had girls I liked.  I even tried to go out on dates.  I had one in highschool.  One only because when I was a freshman my date stood me up before the dance, and when I was a senior a sophomore said I could go to Prom with her because I cried on the bus coming back from a school event. (I think i was drunk too.)  I call that my mercy date. In college I had two girl friends.  They were two or three months each.  No sex, maybe kissing.  That is it. They never lasted long. I had lots of friends that were girls.  No girl friends. 

Did I think of guys. Hell yes.  Did I let anyone know.  Hell no.

My bullying that didn't go anywhere.   THANK GOD.
In high school I was never confronted, because I was in the cool crowd.  No one ever called me out on it, nor did I feel different.  College was different.  When I was a freshman in the dorms.  I started to get calls from a guy and a girl that started to talk about my lisp.  I have one when I have been drinking.  They called me a "queer with a lisp." and other derogatory things.  It really upset me.  I talked to my RA and a friend across the hall.  I cried about it many times.  The RA was very good and we called the campus police.  They didn't think there was anything that could be done, as they didn't threaten me.  After I told the callers that I had called the police, they stopped.  It was very traumatizing to me.  I shut it out of my mind more now, and didn't talk about it, because that would show that they were right.  If I talked about it then people might ask questions.  I didn't tell my parents or any family members. They may ask questions.

I don't remember having many feelings about guys in college.  I think I was too busy being drunk and having fun. I know they were there, but I was too busy to worry about it.  I had some good friends in college that were male. I really had to get to know a male before I could be friends with them. But they couldn't talk about me and women, or dating etc. It was either all about academics, or all about drinking, one or the other. They had to let that subject just go if I were to let them in. 

I've rambled a lot today. But these are my early years of thoughts and suppressing being gay.