Saturday, November 27, 2010

Will My Family Love Me?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Not because I'm contemplating coming out, but because it has always  been a question in my mind since I relieved who I was. My wife and I had discussed this a lot when I first told her. My family is the epitome of small town, conservative, christian values.  I hear fag comments when I'm at home all the time. Not directed at me, but in everyday conversations. They know people who are gay, but they do not know anyone real close to them. 

I guess the real question is not will the LOVE me.  But will they want to be around me or accept me if they were to know. I think some would, although they would treat me completely differently. I think they would have a long period of morning, and loss. I know gay would "disgust" some, but they would come around.  I think the problem is most people, including my family, see being gay as a sexual thing.  They can never imagine sex with someone of the same sex, so to them that is disgusting.  Well here is my thought.  I can think of some sex between people of opposite sex and think, "How disgusting."  When I say that I mean, dirty, gross, unclean people, having sex disgusts me. 

It is about who you long to love and be intimate with. I think that is the hard part for them to understand. As I've said before, If you are in the closet you sometimes make it all about sex because that is all that you will allow the world to see, and that is all that you can keep "down low" with out the world or your family knowing. I could not allow myself to get close to another man. So I understand in a way why people think it is all about sex.

I remember right before I decided to tell my wife, I was confiding in several guys, but one was still married, but living "apart" from his wife.  I was starting to fall for him.  I wanted his comfort.  To see him was so exciting to me.  Once my wife and I decided to stay together, I had to pull away quickly.  He understood, and pulled away as well.  But again, that was easy for him as well. 

So again, it is not all about the sex, and I think once people figure that out, they have an easier time accepting that their loved ones are different.  Some in my wife's family know.  They accept me, but they are part of the secret as well.  Not telling anyone, and yes they do treat me a little differently.  But maybe I just take it differently because they are part of the lie and secret.

Will my parents, and siblings ever know? Or do they already "know" but won't admit it? Will I ever tell them?  I don't know what God has in store for me, but for now these questions will stay in the closet with my wife and me.


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