Well..... Yeah. She knows. Several years ago, through weird circumstances, and me pulling away, things got really strained in our marriage. Maybe it we me wanting to get out because I was gay, or maybe it was just I was not happy. It could have even been that she was not happy. We started going to a therapist. I started first, and went on my own. She went individually, and then we would go as a couple off and on.
After a while going, I finally broke down and told our therapist what was up with me. I think I discussed whether I should tell the therapist with one of my buddies first. I told him I thought I was going to tell the therapist. He thought that might be nuts, but didn't stop me, he knew how difficult of a decision it was. He was in the same boat. I met with the therapist in a private session. I had decided I was going to tell her. It was probably, at the time, one of the hardest sentences to get out of my mouth. You should have seen it. A 40 something crying, trying to get words out of my mouth. They just wouldn't come. It seemed that it took 10 minutes, although it was probably only 1 or 2. I repeated. "I'm... I... I don't know..." over and over. Crying and nervous. This was something that I had only told to complete strangers, very anonymous. Forty years of vowing to tell no one. Now I was going to say it? Are you crazy? It was very hard.
I finally got the words out to the therapist, "I'm Gay." I don't know if she was shocked, but we continued to talk. I don't even know what was said after that. I don't even know how many more sessions had passed before I decided to tell my wife. I decided that if my wife and I were to make it, I would have to tell her the whole truth. I had screwed her life up enough, I might as well tell her why. I remember my wife ironing and talking about our problems, while I was in bed watching TV, and me thinking in my head, "Damn, I screwed this up. How can I screw someone up like this, and they don't even know why." I think it was for her that I wanted to tell her at the time. But now, I don't know if it was selfless or not. It might have been selfish. It is that secret thing.
Now she hold my secret too. I think when you tell a secret like that, usually the person telling the secret is relieved, but now the other person has a secret.
Well we are still together. It has been several years. We are not perfect, and keeping it together for family and our child is part of it.