Friday, November 26, 2010

Did I tell you? My wife now knows.

Well..... Yeah. She knows. Several years ago, through weird circumstances, and me pulling away, things got really strained in our marriage.  Maybe it we me wanting to get out because I was gay, or maybe it was just I was not happy. It could have even been that she was not happy. We started going to a therapist.  I started first, and went on my own. She went individually, and then we would go as a couple off and on.

After a while going, I finally broke down and told our therapist what was up with me.  I think I discussed whether I should tell the therapist with one of my buddies first. I told him I thought I was going to tell the therapist. He thought that might be nuts, but didn't stop me, he knew how difficult of a decision it was.  He was in the same boat. I met with the therapist in a private session.  I had decided I was going to tell her. It was probably, at the time, one of the hardest sentences to get out of my mouth. You should have seen it.  A 40 something crying, trying to get words out of my mouth. They just wouldn't come.  It seemed that it took 10 minutes, although it was probably only 1 or 2. I repeated.  "I'm... I... I don't know..." over and over. Crying and nervous. This was something that I had only told to complete strangers, very anonymous. Forty years of vowing to tell no one. Now I was going to say it?  Are you crazy?  It was very hard.
I finally got the words out to the therapist, "I'm Gay." I don't know if she was shocked, but we continued to talk.  I don't even know what was said after that. I don't even know how many more sessions had passed before I decided to tell my wife.  I decided that if my wife and I were to make it, I would have to tell her the whole truth. I had screwed her life up enough, I might as well tell her why. I remember my wife ironing and talking about our problems, while I was in bed watching TV, and me thinking in my head, "Damn, I screwed this up. How can I screw someone up like this, and they don't even know why."  I think it was for her that I wanted to tell her at the time.  But now,  I don't know if it was selfless or not.  It might have been selfish. It is that secret thing. 

Now she hold my secret too.  I think when you tell a secret like that, usually the person telling the secret is relieved, but now the other person has a secret. 

Well we are still together.  It has been several years.  We are not perfect, and keeping it together for family and our child is part of it. 


  1. i came across your blog from a craigs list ad. we have so much to discuss. i am the wife of a closeted gay man. it's a tough situation for us both. if you want to chat, or if your wife does, please feel free to contact me. i often say he didn't come out of the closet, he just pulled me in. best wishes.

  2. sorry! here's my email:

  3. Thanks for commenting Jenn. I know from experience there are alot of guys out there just like your husband and me. I love your saying that he, "Pulled me in." I bet it was more "Drug you in. Kicking, screaming and crying." I don't know that my wife wants to talk about it, but thanks for the offer. Stay well, and peace.