Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Confusing as Hell

I'll tell you. As soon as I have this figured out, something comes along, and changes my mind. I'm in a pretty happy spot right now, but I can tell my wife is stressed beyond belief. She will say things like "I'm about to break." and "I need to find a good place.". We both are gaining weight, and I'm sure part of it is she is not happy.

I keep saying I'm good with where I'm at. I am but I don't want to be the one that is keeping her in an unhappy place. Also my father in law was just diagnosed with a form of cancer. Chemo should take care of it, but he takes care of so much for us. I think this is putting so much more pressure on her. Her parents are her rock! Remember, they know about me.

I had a 15 or 20 minute talk with an acquaintance today. In the day we used to fuck around with a group of guys, He had been married for 30 years had four kids, and was a preacher. He is now retired and gave me some good advice.

The biggest take home is I sm not going to change. I knew that, but I think my wife needs to know it. I have come to realize that maybe we need a plan. An exit plan if you will.

I also talked about the coming out process with my friend. I told my wife I want to live like I am. And not as a gay man. But aft we taked, I think that may be fine for a while, but I think I will have to actually tell the people I am closest with that I am gay.

Not live a big fat gay life. Just a life, and by the way, I'm gay.


  1. I don't think we (formerly) closeted married gay guys can imagine the gut-wrenching trauma, the life torn apart, experienced by the "wife of."

    In the year between my wife discovering gay porn on my computer to when we actually separated and I came out to my family, she was also "stressed beyond belief." She was constantly breaking down in tears at work and lashing out in anger at everyone around her, especially the kids. In the process, she lost the support of nearly everyone around her.

    But for me, living a life of truth has been empowering. I regret that it didn't happen sooner in my life.

    1. Buddy, you are right, It has been three years here..... We can only imagine.

  2. I think taking long walks or some kind of exercise plan with your wife may be in order. Don't go down that road of gaining weight which will make you less attractive to some. It will alos provide a nice private time with your wife. AN exit plan is never a bad idea. Best of luck!

    1. Great advice. Now to get her to do it. And to make some decisions.

  3. Because she is so close to her parents her father's illness is extremely stressful to her. She's powerless to help him or to stop the cancer. That's almost like watching your kid get hit by a car in slow motion. You can see it happen but you can't get there in time.

    Your sexuality is the same thing. She has no control over how you feel and that powerlessness just makes the situation with her dad feel worse.

    Making her understand that you're gay and that's not going to change could easily put her over the edge. She'd have to cope with a dying father and a crumbling marriage. Not to mention the embarrassment of everyone knowing that she's been married to a gay man.

    Sending her over the edge that way might be the best option in the long run - it's equivalent to ripping the bandaid off vs. slowly peeling it - but I think you should seriously consider whether now is the right time.

    1. I agree, and that is partially why the confusion, and caution. Well, and because I'm scared to death...

      Just for clarification, we have not gotten the final prognosis on her father yet... But just the thought of it is very hard on her.

      Thanks for your comments, they are important to me.