Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Tearing up (okay.... let's just call it crying.)

Lately, I've found myself crying more and more....  The other day I talked with my mom. She has had some medical issues, and I think things are different with her.  When we hung up, I had this overwhelming need to cry.  I was on a family outing with my wife and kids, and didn't want to show it at the moment.  Later my wife and I were driving back to the hotel, and I had a tear rolling down my face.  I told my wife about it later, but we didn't discuss it.

This morning I was sitting on the john, reading my facebook, looking at some of the posts from my sister-in-law.  It was my nephew's birthday and I posted on his page.  I was thinking about the family, and started to tear up again.

A couple weeks ago in the shower, I was missing a loved one that had died recently and I couldn't control the crying.

My grandma died recently, and I cried like a baby at her funeral.  I don't usually do that.

I don't know what is going on.  I know I am thinking a lot more about coming out, and I think it is a reaction to how badly I am going to hurt the people I love, and love me, when or if I do that.  I did always tell myself I could never come out until my grandparents are gone.  They now are.  :( Maybe it is because I have so much stress going on with my job, and the fact that we are making about 1/2 of what we did 2 short years ago.  Mabe the fact that my mom was so close to death.

I think my mom can sense that something is up with me...  Ever since I have been home from a long stay there after her illness, she has been very weird on the phone, but so have I.  I know the illness was a life changing event for her, she stopped smoking on top of it.

I really think I need to go back to talking with a therapist, but no money is keeping me from it. I can feel depression coming..............

Damn..... I hate this post, but I think you will have to read it anyway.  Maybe the next one will be better.


  1. If there is any way to afford it you need to do it. Do you have any health insurance? Perhaps your if you speak to your family MD they can prescribe a course of antidepressants so you won't have to go wait for the 2 weeks ish induction before you see a therapist. If you live in an urban area check your county mental health listings. Most will see patients on a sliding scale. Last but not least, if you begin to have thoughts of harming yourself, go to your nearest emergency room. They have staff that are prepared to help. They can sometimes give you outpatient referrals to help get the ball rolling.

  2. Anonymous:

    Thanks for your concern... i appreciate it. I'm not going to harm myself. I do have health insurance. But still end up paying a lot. I think the post is a lot more urgent then my actual state.... I feel a little stuck and need an outlet...

    Thanks for your concern.

  3. I feel for you. Perhaps there is a therapist or someone from community mental health who will see you for insurace only. Another option is to see a mid level practitioner like an LCSW and have your family physician precribe meds. Have you ever been on anti depressants.? They can make a dramatic difference.

    Good luck. Depession sucks

  4. Being over-emotional is natural for guys in our situation. So much is uncertain, for us, our marriages, our finances, and for our reationship with the entire fanily. I've cried more since my wife moved out nearly eight months ago than in the previous 48 years put together.

    Frequently, the trigger is some very minor thing. After eight months, I'm out to everyone I care about, my relationship with my children and parents (and even, maybe, my wife) is better than ever and our divorce is sailing along very smoothly. It got better for me and ... eventually, it will get better for you.

    Finding a gay-friendly therapist would be an excellent idea.. fuck the cost! Getting a therapist who is ill-informed about or even hostile towards gays would do more harm than good for you right now.

  5. Thanks Buddy Bear. It will get better. It may be without the therapist, but it will get better. Last time I went to a therapist, my wife wanted to know everything the terapist and I talked about. It was very awkward, and made the experience unmanageable. Things will get better.... It just may take time, one way or the other. I think right now we are stuck in a loop.