Lately, I've found myself crying more and more.... The other day I talked with my mom. She has had some medical issues, and I think things are different with her. When we hung up, I had this overwhelming need to cry. I was on a family outing with my wife and kids, and didn't want to show it at the moment. Later my wife and I were driving back to the hotel, and I had a tear rolling down my face. I told my wife about it later, but we didn't discuss it.
This morning I was sitting on the john, reading my facebook, looking at some of the posts from my sister-in-law. It was my nephew's birthday and I posted on his page. I was thinking about the family, and started to tear up again.
A couple weeks ago in the shower, I was missing a loved one that had died recently and I couldn't control the crying.
My grandma died recently, and I cried like a baby at her funeral. I don't usually do that.
I don't know what is going on. I know I am thinking a lot more about coming out, and I think it is a reaction to how badly I am going to hurt the people I love, and love me, when or if I do that. I did always tell myself I could never come out until my grandparents are gone. They now are. :( Maybe it is because I have so much stress going on with my job, and the fact that we are making about 1/2 of what we did 2 short years ago. Mabe the fact that my mom was so close to death.
I think my mom can sense that something is up with me... Ever since I have been home from a long stay there after her illness, she has been very weird on the phone, but so have I. I know the illness was a life changing event for her, she stopped smoking on top of it.
I really think I need to go back to talking with a therapist, but no money is keeping me from it. I can feel depression coming..............
Damn..... I hate this post, but I think you will have to read it anyway. Maybe the next one will be better.