Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What! You're Pregnant? And How?

Sunday, the pastor spoke about Mary.  Who she was, and asked us to imagine what it was like for her.  She was expected to do many things she didn't want to do, but she accepted them.  She had to go to her engaged, Joseph.  The one that was arranged for her and tell him, "Hey I'm pregnant.  It isn't yours, but marry me anyway."  She had to tell her parents, "Hey I'm pregnant, I'm not married yet, accept me."  The small town she lived in had to be talking, and not to her, but about her. 

I started to relate to the Christ Child story.  I know it was so strange to look at my story, a story that some would say is devilish and full of adultery and sex, and wonder how can that  relate to the virgin birth.  You might even call me crazy.  But I related to it. 

I wondered what I am being asked to do.  Mary denied herself of a lot, she followed what the Lord had told her to do.  I don't know that the Lord is telling me to do anything, and I have never had an angel like Gabriel come down and sit next to me and tell me what is going to happen and what I should do.  Maybe it would be easier if he would.  But what I am seeing right now in my life, is going forward.  Do what I have been doing.  Live My life as a gay man in a straight man's wold.  It has worked all my life to now.

Most bloggers I read here have come out.  They are ready, that is why they write.  I'm just stuck... It is easy for me.  My wife told me several days ago, "I'm in this for the long haul."  I didn't tell her I was too, but I answered with affirmative silence.  Maybe it is my wife that is more like Mary. 

Once his mini sermon was finished our choir sang the Magnificat by Giovanni Battista Pergolesi. It gave me goose bumps. I really felt it. Maybe because it was so personal. The struggles and sacrifice that one small girl made to so many people. I hope that my struggles and sacrifice, although small compared to hers, will make a difference to so many people as well.

Peace in Christmas.


  1. There are the huge difficulties (and fears) faced by married, middle-aged closeted guys who are thinking about coming out.

    However, I think the overwhelming consensus among the bloggers that I read is that coming out was the most exciting, empowering and liberating thing they've ever done in their entire lives. When you write about "making a sacrifice" by not coming out, who exactly is benefiting from this sacrifice? Not the kids, living in a household filled with tension. The gay husband and wife, shackled to another person who cannot truly love them completely, do not benefit, either.

  2. Buddy Bear:

    I understand, and have read those blogs, but I think that my sacrifice doesn't cause all of that damage. My daughter is happy, the tension is pretty minimal, not unlike many other marriages. There are struggles in life out of the closet or in the closet. I guess I feel it isn't my time to be out to the world.

    Love is in this home.

  3. That's good to hear! Sorry for sounding so judgmental and preachy.... I knew nothing about your home life. Your situation sounds very different than mine; our household was fraught with tension for many years.

    When my wife left permanently nearly a year ago, the kids (and my wife and I) very quickly discovered that it was far better to live in two relatively happy households than one filled with anger.