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Hey all, I may have written about this before, but more and more, I find that I'm stuck. I many times want to ask my wife to do something different, or get mad because of the way she says something. She often will say, "Well that is a stupid question. You should have known that."
Last night was an example. She gave me grief about a task I asked her about, and I got upset at her, for being mean and disrespectful in her reply. I didn't just shut my mouth, as I usually do, but continued to tell her I didn't like it when she made me feel stupid. Her reply is, "I don't like lots of things about you and I have to just live with them. So I don't care."
So now I'm back to this wimpy kid, that is hiding something, and I have to relys on her to keep my secret. I can't express what I feel, because she always has that "One Secret"... the Ace that trumps everything.
I don't want out really. I love where I live, who I live with, everything just the way it is. Ohhh yeah, except that I want to have emotional feelings and a connection with a man.... ohhh yeah, I forgot about that one.... I always think, "I've suppressed it this long, and am able to cure it from time to time with a one night thing. Why can't I just continue?"
I'm Stuck --------
You say you want to have emotional feelings and a connection to a man. Me too!
ReplyDeleteI spent many years looking for it. I had hook-ups, fuck buddies, and FWBs. I came out to my wife and had a really great boyfriend. And from all those men I learned one thing: connections are fleeting.
I'm sure you feel like you're missing out by not having a guy on the side. You're not. If you truly desire a quality connection the ONLY way you're going to find one, in any enduring way, is to come out, leave your wife and family and try your luck on the roulette wheel of gay romance. Quality connections require time and commitment from both partners. *IF* you were able to connect with another married man who also wished to stay married, your inability to spend much time together and the guilt you'd both feel about cheating would eventually suck 80% of the fun out of your relationship. Compromised relationships are not satisfying relationships!
Yes, I enjoyed my FWBs while I had them. But I see no point in pursuing them now. Sure, I can schedule sex twice a month and we might see each other that often for a year or two, but sooner rather later, it will end and I'll be back to looking for yet another FWB. As I said, the only "real" solution to come out. All the in-between stuff is full of compromises.
Sorry to be so cynical but I'm hoping that it helps you feel better about your decision to stay married.
I am out to my wife, but don't know that being out is what I want. Thanks for the comment, I do appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteTwoLives - I don't think what you said was cynical at all. I think it was "right-on" and spoken from the heart. The truth is, there can be no "connection" with out commitment. It's no different than straight relationships. Sure, anyone, straight, gay or bi can go and have sex with anyone - but that's not a connection. It's just sex. Connection comes from wanting to make love with another person, from wanting to share each others' life with the other. Connection is deep. Sex is shallow. Don't get me wrong . . . I love sex but I prefer to make love to my BF not just have sex with him. It can happen. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with both of you, but that is where it gets complicated. I want that with my wife, but can't get it. I don't want the "gay" lifestyle or life, but can't stop being gay. I don't want to strugles of being gay in this world, but can't stop being attracted to men. You both know it is complicated, and I know you both say what comes from the heart. I truly believe that.
ReplyDeleteBut, I can't reconcile my spiritual/physical self, with the sexual self.
Thanks for the replies.
Your wife snapping at you about minor things is understandable and will continue. She's trapped in a situation she didn't plan on and didn't deserve; being in a marriage with a man who is not "into her" 100%. In that situation, my wife's anger and bitterness towards me just got worse as time went on.
ReplyDelete