It has been a while since I have written down my thoughts. My extended family life has been a bit hectic. I have had deaths in the family and others with medical issues. It has kept life interesting. It also has made for good conversations between my wife and I. They have not been around the "elephant in the room." As she would put it. But about life, and happiness and life and death. Good stuff that brings us closer.
She did mention the other day if I have seen the show Happily Divorced. I knew what she was talking about, but of course I said, "NO." That was two fold. No I haven't seen it, and No, I don't want to talk about it. There are days that I would like it if we would become Happily Divorced. But when we first started this conversation years ago, she said that if we were to split, she would not keep the secret. The secret that is eating at both of us, and that we both think needs to stay a secret.
This puts me in an awful position. If I want to stay in the closet, I have to stay with her. I do believe that if we divorced, I would want to stay in the closet. I don't want the fact that I'm gay to be the reason that we split. But she wants everyone to know that it was NOT her fault we split. She wants everyone to know that I was the bad guy. Do you understand the burden that places on me. Even if I wanted out of the marriage, I would have to get out of the closet at the same time.
Now why do I want to stay in the closet you may ask? I think in the Midwest, in my job, in my extended family situation, it is best. Will that ever change? maybe.....
That brings me back to the extended family issues. I lost my beloved grandmother recently. I thought in the back of my mind, I could not come out while she is alive. That would be too difficult for me and for her. This grief is now tainted with guilt, and questions. I'm not at the point I want to come out, or be divorced, but will I think it is easier?
You are not alone.