Friday, April 1, 2011

Still in contact with an old "trick" or "hook-up"?

Okay. Over the last month, my wife's fears are continuing to get the best of her.  We had to have one of  "those" conversation.  Have you had any contact with any of "your guys"? 

What do you do? I could lie.  But she says she wouldn't believe me if I said no. So I tell the truth.  Yes, I have talked to one guy.  He is now a friend only, (seriously, nothing romantic.)  and we talk about life more then we do sex or men most of the time. 

I only talk to him once every two to three months.  I think she sees him as a great threat. I try to explain that it isn't the same as someone I had an affair with.  He is a friend.  I don't love him like a "lover". I love him like a brother/friend.  She quotes all of the TV Drs. who say you should stop all contact.  I don't know that I could and stay happy and healthy.  She doesn't understand the fact that all of my hook-ups were just that, hook-ups.  For the sex of it, for the immediate passion it gave me and my soul.  I have a hard time getting that at home.  Probably never will get it from home again.

She also says that she has no one to talk to about it.  I have Him.  I don't know what to tell her.  I have given her permission to tell a trusted friend, but I know she won't.  She is tied up in this lie too much as well.  Can we just continue for a period of time and then just live?  Not worry about if the other one stays or goes, just live our lives and love one another for who we are.

So should I stop contact with my down low friends forever?  Is it like a drug, and I will go back if I keep a thread of contact?

She also is worried about me leaving when the kids are out of the house which is several years away.  I tell her, "I'm happy."  Let's stay that way.  I try to tell her to stop running.  But she runs so busy because she is afraid of what will happen if she stops.  What will happen is that then she has to think about me, and where "we" are.  About how I could leave her.  I'm not planning on it. 

She has taken in my secret, and lives our life in some kind of shadow. Loving me, but I don't think she loves her.  I love her more than she does.  I am just afraid I don't know how to help her be happy.  Getting rid of the secret may be the only thing that helps. 

It is confusing, but I have lived with it forever, and I just don't let it stop me from doing what I want.

Are you confused by this post?  I am pretty much rambling. Maybe I will tighten it up someday.

Until then.  Stay Safe and Happy. You are not alone.

1 comment:

  1. There's a community of bi and gay bloggers who are married and in various stages of reconciling their sexuality with their marriage. You might find some comfort or camaraderie in these other men. Or, your experience and advice may be helpful to others. I encourage you to check out my blog roll so you can see for yourself what I mean.

    I am adding myself as a follower so that I can continue to follow your story.

    All the best to you!