Thursday, January 30, 2014

Stay up late on computer

During my hay day of cruising and hooking up, I would stay up late on the computer watching porn and cruising adds as  my wife slept. Last night, my wife went to be early and I stayed up late.  I was on the computer, but I was actually doing book work.  I didn't even check my private e-mail or cruise sites.

Part of the reason is that I work from home, and do it during the day, but the other thing, I know that my wife would be really worried if I was up late, and I wanted to be "clean".

I do try to be very considerate of what will set off triggers for her, and late night on the computer is one of them.  I recently bought a new TV for the basement, but I don't feel like I can go down there and watch TV without her, because she may think I'm up to something.  She has this habit of going to the bedroom to watch TV early, and I hate to go to the bedroom unless it is for sleep or sex. So I tell her this, and sit in the other room to watch TV.

Other news.  I think we are going to start eating better.  I need to loose about 25 lbs.  Last time was on the low carb diet, but my wife wants to try just healthier.  We will see how it works.  My only worry is that I will feel more comfortable with my body, and be more likely to show it off and hook up.  I guess we will see if I can loose the weight first, then we will worry about the next problem.



  1. I am not sure about where you are heading in your life. You still seem to desire men. Your wife knows this and the trust between both of you seems to be gone. Is your relationship better? Have you decided to stay married forever even though it seems like a difficult thing for both of you? She knows that you desire sex with men. Have you resumed your sex-life with her and is it satisfying? Yes, I know that both of you have gone through trauma with the death of her father, but can you envisage life with her now that both of you know that you are attracted to men? Friend, you might be trying to deceive yourself that you both can go back to the way things were before she found out about your sexuality. One cannot deny a drive forever and most people who are married and gay either break down or come out of the closet. Have you discussed all of this with a therapist? I don't imagine that you can just purge your gay thoughts indefinitely. It has been a long time since you posted regularly, please forgive my questions, I don't know the path that you have been traveling

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