Okay.... I feel "good" when we are not talking about our situation. But twice in the last week we have had to talk about "it". This time, I was working minding my own business, and my wife gets the afternoon off and was watching TV, relaxing. She watched Oprah. Why? I don't know. We do watch it together many times, but I make sure what the topic is before I sit down. And when we recorded it I made sure we didn't watch her gay themed ones.
Yesterday..... what was on but the Down Low episode. J.L. King was talking about the Down Low. I know I've seen it, and probably made sure my wife didn't.
But it made my wife want to talk about why we are staying in this marriage that isn't going to last. We didn't come up with a good conclusion, only that we are staying the way we are for now. It was not a fight. There were tears, and a good discussion.
I think the most important thing that I got out is that I don't want to live "gay". Let me explain that. I don't want to live out. That is how I feel right now. Even if we do break up or divorce. I'm not ready to be "out". I think she is surprised by that, and I don't know if she believes me, but that is how I feel right now. This is important for her to know, because she has said before that if we break up she will not keep the secret, and let everyone know why.
The other thing that was brought out is what will happen to our children is she were to die. WOW. I said, "What do you think will happen to me? I will stop being a parent, and not do what I feel is best for them." She is afraid that "when" I do come out that they will not have anyone to turn to. I don't think that is true. I think that is one reason I am not ready. I want them to be older to handle it. They are in high school in a small town, and can't imagine how that will effect their life as they are developing. (Will I come out when they are out of the house? That is another post.)
She also got to voice all of her fears, about AIDS, wondering who I am talking with on the phone, who I look at, who I e-mail, etc.... It is a daily grind for her. We did embrace, and kiss afterwards. We both love the other......... Just not sure how healthy this is for us.
Maybe we have to talk about it each day to make this work..... I hate to communicate about feelings, and this is the hardest thing I do. Conflict is not in my nature.
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I need to write this. I know my wife is wonderful. She puts up with me. I don't communicate, and love to just go through life. She likes to plan, talk about everything and plan about talking. I just live life. 
On a recent trip to Vegas I was by myself for a night. I worked hard to find a hook up. I needed to be with a man. I had lots of chances, but I needed to do it at a certain time to make everything work right in my schedule. Well, I had a couple no shows, and a I can't wait that long. But I finally found a guy to come to my room. It was about 10:00 pm. He came in, and I could tell he was very nervous. He was out and gay, but didn't ever hook up. (He says.) He was really nervous, and ask a few questions about me being married. He didn't want to kiss, so of course I didn't push. He said that it was to intimate, and I should be saving that, and besides he had a cigarette. I said in the ad, I didn't like smokers. We touched and talked for a while, and he actually wanted to see down there....... he played with me as I did with him. I asked him to lay on the bed. He was fully clothed. We touched like that for a while, then sat back up.
