Scared in the closet

Recently I was volunteering for an organization in my town.  We have an event that we dress up and "scare" people.  Have a haunted "house."  The event requires the people participating to stay sitting as we walk around and interact with the people in costume for about an hour.  They are usually not in costume.

Well the other night there were about 4 gay couples on this "ride".  They had all came together and were dressed pretty nice.  (Several in white. I didn't get that.  It was a haunted ride and they were in white?)  They were displaying affection, in a very nice way.  I think that was fine, didn't bother anyone around me that I could see, or hear.  After all there were many hetro people on the ride that did the same thing.  I thought that was great and refreshing even. 

I think what became unnerving for some was that their conversations had to be about sex, and cocks. I was standing staring them down, because that is what my character did.... and they were hot. One of the  guy's who I would say was very fem, and was probably the mouthiest, said something about the last cock he had and that it was big and not cut. His partner put his legs up in the air, exposing his ass, implying that I should give it to him. I think it got worse later on in the evening, but I had moved on. I know they had been drinking and were a little loose with the lips, but most of it was uncalled for. There were children on the ride as well, not sitting too close, but they were on the ride.

I actually didn't mind it, (You know I wanted to join in, but we were in a public place, and I knew all of the people volunteering.) but the fact that this is how most people perceive gay men is what keeps many of us scared Midwesterners in the closet.  If I am out, I don't want to be one of the obnoxious loud gay guys. I want to live my life as I did before, why does it have to be so obvious that I'm gay.  I want to sit on the ride, and if I don't hold the hand of the partner I'm with know one would really know.  It is not because I'm ashamed, it would be because I'm not all about public display of affection.  Especially when there are kids around.

So Yep I'm scared in the closet. 






Thanks to Ray's Cowboys for the pics.

A great message from Oral Roberts Grandson

If you have 30 minutes, or if you don't, make 30 minutes to listen to the grandson of Oral Roberts, Randy Roberts Potts.  I was oblivious to the fact that Oral Roberts had a son and grandson that were gay. 

I very touching message that will touch you.  I know it did me.

How can some people come out against such odds, and others can not face it.  They must hide in the closet?  I want to do what's right.  Maybe it is right to just hold off for two more years.  Maybe for a life time.

I have to keep being happy with my choices.  This is what I've made for myself, make it worth it.

I love Neil Patrick Harris

I want him.

I need him.

I want to have his babies.

Life is just going

You know that feeling.  Life is just moving.  No real direction, no goal, just going.  Again someone asked how I was doing I say Okay.  I guess it is not very convincing.  but that is how I am.  Okay.  just Okay. 

Live with it.

 Work has actually been kinda busy, so I better get back with it. 

Happy Weekend.

People Watching

Are you like me?  I am sitting at a Panera, watching people.  I love to watch people, but mostly Men.  It drives my wife crazy, because she thinks I'm always watching the guys.  Okay.  I am.  But it still drives her crazy. 

Two men meet, shake hands. One is is shorts and a sports team logo shirt and shorts, while the other one is in a suit.  They order tea and a coffee. Sit down so I can see "watch" them. I try hard to hear what they are saying.  The first thing I think is, are the meeting for the first time?  Are they going to meet here and see if it is a fit to hook up?  Both have wedding rings.  can't really tell what they are saying but it seems they know each other.   hmmm...

Another nice looking guy with a ring and a polo shirt sits in the corner, his computer screen faces the wall.  Is he trying to find a hook up on Craigslist?  I see him when he leaves.  I think he looks me over, when he leaves. 

two more men meet and one eats.  The other has a coke.  only one has a wedding ring.  They go outside to eat, and talk. 

I see a nice looking shorter man come in with shorts and a running shirt.  He has really hairy legs.  I love hairy legs.  Is he gay?  He may be.  Another man comes in alone with his computer.  He is bald with a goatee.   He is HOT.  I love bald men.  He is pretty tall as well.  I love looking at him.  He was going to sit right next to me, but then he gets up and leaves.  DAMN. 

A nice looking man has been painting since I got here.  He has great biceps.  He just looked at me and smilled.  Does he want me.  NO... Damn.  He is talking with one of the female workers. here.  They are together.  

It goes on, and on.  No wonder I can't work in a public place.   I'm too busy.

Porn

Lately, I've been thinking about how big of a part porn has always been a part of my life.  Most people who read this blog, probably can say the same thing.  But how much has porn shaped my sexuality, or yet my desires, and fantasies?

Yesterday, I had watched a Non Rated Show on HBO, that had a lot of heterosexual sex in it.  Of course only showed, the woman's breasts, no va-j j, or cock.  but showed couple after couple having no strings attached quick sex, with a "plot" around it.  It turned me on completely, and I took care of myself while my wife slept next to me.  WOW.  I thought.  I had watched gay porn that afternoon, had intimate relations with my wife, and still, this got me going.

I think I just have a tendency to LOVE PORN.  Am I addicted? Is it a problem?

I might have to explore this more.

Don't live someone else's life

...Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary...

~ Steve Jobs
(2005 Stanford Commencement Speech)

When you read this you would think someone would jump up and say, "I am gay, and I am going to live that way."  But I am jumping up and saying, "I like being married, and the life I have being married." 

Now it is on to, "How do I achieve that?"

Damn

Sexual Balance

Well.  Wow. The last week has been very strange, and I think things are becoming clearer.  You see, I've kinda felt like I was in a fog over the last week.  I would walk around feeling numb.  Like I wasn't even present. 

I think connecting with others through choir, work and getting out of the house has helped.  I work at home in my basement alone all day.  I see my wife off and on, but for the most part I'm alone. I make phone calls to business people trying to build a relationship and get them to buy what my company is selling.  It gets rather lonely. 

Writing a blog has helped, but keeping track of all the other blogs has taken way too much of my time.  I had to limit the number of blogs I read daily. Basically, I got rid of all of the Blogs that were just about porn.  I know where to go find them if I "need" them. And besides when I start my day looking at those pics, it just makes me horny all day, and I can't focus. There are reasons I can't just get off first thing in the morning that I can't divulge. 

Another thing that has helped is my wife has been in a good mood the last couple days.  I am thinking alot about life, and how you must live your life to the fullest.  Why does that have to be "out".  Yes I know I love sex with men, and would probably fall in love with a man if I would let myself.  But if I was straight, and in the marriage I was in, I would probably have to realize the same thing.  I would love sex with lots of women, not just my wife, and I would probably fall in love with a woman if I would let myself.

Balance...........   Balance my marriage and family life with my sexuality. 

Balance.

Masturbation

Can it be an addiction?  I'll tell you throughout my life, I really have been controlled by the pleasure that masturbation brings to me.  I felt it again yesterday.  It was 4:00.  I should go outside, do something, but I really wanted to watch some porn, and talk to a hot guy on a chat line and pump......

I restrained, as I was keeping busy, and I went upstairs to the kitchen.  I continued to restrain, but kinda stood there with a pit in my stomach.  I felt the urge. Am I horny?  That is normally what I call it.  But today I was calling it addicted. I ate something.  Maybe that would help relieve the hankering the pit in my stomach?  It made me forget about it for a minute.  I decided to make a call and then go outside with the family.  They were out working horses. 

Still a pit, I was walking around like a zombie.... That is how I felt, Like a zombie....

I did a honey do.... watch the fam.... went to eat at McDonalds.... came home and watched some TV after finishing some homework.

It kinda went away.

Then there is this morning.  I woke up.... Hard... wanted it... Wife left... Daughter left..... Home alone.... should I?  I did some laundry... Should I?   Wife will be home soon... Should I?   Damn.....  NO...  I want to have some intimacy with my wife.... Should I?   NO.....

I came and wrote this blog post.  But I'm on the computer with the porn, right there... a great blogger probably posted some hot pictures?   Should I?  

NO
NO
NO
NO

Keep the hand away from the Penis (I know I capitalized it automatically?  What?  Is it a personal noun?)

NO
NO

I won for now. (Notice no pictures of masterbation on this post?)  I know not as visually appealing, but that is the point.