Sunday, the pastor spoke about Mary. Who she was, and asked us to imagine what it was like for her. She was expected to do many things she didn't want to do, but she accepted them. She had to go to her engaged, Joseph. The one that was arranged for her and tell him, "Hey I'm pregnant. It isn't yours, but marry me anyway." She had to tell her parents, "Hey I'm pregnant, I'm not married yet, accept me." The small town she lived in had to be talking, and not to her, but about her.
I started to relate to the Christ Child story. I know it was so strange to look at my story, a story that some would say is devilish and full of adultery and sex, and wonder how can that relate to the virgin birth. You might even call me crazy. But I related to it.
I wondered what I am being asked to do. Mary denied herself of a lot, she followed what the Lord had told her to do. I don't know that the Lord is telling me to do anything, and I have never had an angel like Gabriel come down and sit next to me and tell me what is going to happen and what I should do. Maybe it would be easier if he would. But what I am seeing right now in my life, is going forward. Do what I have been doing. Live My life as a gay man in a straight man's wold. It has worked all my life to now.
Most bloggers I read here have come out. They are ready, that is why they write. I'm just stuck... It is easy for me. My wife told me several days ago, "I'm in this for the long haul." I didn't tell her I was too, but I answered with affirmative silence. Maybe it is my wife that is more like Mary.
Once his mini sermon was finished our choir sang the Magnificat by Giovanni Battista Pergolesi. It gave me goose bumps. I really felt it. Maybe because it was so personal. The struggles and sacrifice that one small girl made to so many people. I hope that my struggles and sacrifice, although small compared to hers, will make a difference to so many people as well.
After church choir practice we always have joys and concerns. For the most part, the same people are always having trouble, and the same people know about others that are sick or in the hospital. Someone's child is doing great things. I always think about what if I were to come out to the world. Would I have enough guts to tell them, my joys and concerns. Well hell, I don't even tell them about my joys and concerns in the present. Why would I tell them this.
Right now I feel a big burden that I feel like sharing with them. The worry that most people, except my immediate family, don't know is that I feel like I am going to be broke for life. I have this sales job that paid me less than 1/2 of what I was making a year ago. I am expected to call people all day and sell products and services. What the company has is great, but is very limited in its scope, and specialized. I have this pit in my stomach about it. My wife, and me to some extent, have cut back our spending tremendously, but she has even said, I can't make myself stop till there is nothing. I guess I will need to continue to tell her there is nothing.
On the other hand, our little family is doing pretty well emotionally. We have been through a lot over the last year. Me being in the hospital for a week for my appendix blow up. Three hospital outings for the jelly bean of a kidney stone, and then there was my mom's scare surgery and recovery. But I think this has brought me to realize the one thing I have in my life that is great is my wife.
She has stuck with me through all the crap I have thrown in her face. She should have ducked and ran a long time ago. Why has she stayed with me? Why the fuck does she care so much about a gay, almost jobless, sometimes lazy guy like me?
LOVE.... does she really love me that much? Why?
I don't even let her in and know me. How do I start telling her more about who I am, and what I think?
The other questions is should I? I shouldn't have to ask that questions, but it has been so hard to let someone in as far as I have, maybe we should have a "peel off the band aid" talk and go the rest of the way. But things seem pretty good now and I don't want to do the peeling.
The Christmas Season brings so many Joys and Concerns to the surface.
2. I have a job
3. Family who loves us 4. Safety and warm house
5. Talented daughter
6. Concerned Friends
1. Future as a family
2. Making ends meet
3. Family that loves the me they know.
4. A job that is uncertain
5. Daughters future college and pressures
6. Wife's mental well being
7. Keeping the sexuality part of my life a secret
Making this list was good. They all kind of wipe themselves out. But that last one that just came to my fingers. Number 7. Why is it just making the balance look so uneven.
I know it is not often people quote the Bible in the blogs I follow, but this was the text that the pastor spoke about on Sunday. It made me feel good. We all need comfort. We find it in a lot of different places.
I can find it sometimes in food. I know that I need to eat less of it, but I'm finding comfort in it these days. I find comfort in the things that are familiar with me, sometimes that is in "sinful" activities, but I do find comfort in being alone with myself. I also find comfort in lying in bed with my wife, just being with her. Last night, my daughter said she loved that we were eating dinner as a family. I know that she found comfort in that.
Random Family having dinner together.
I need to find more comfort in the fact that God is a loving God, and give us comfort. He comforts us whether we are gay or straight or bi. Even if we are sinners....
Comfort for God’s People
1 Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. 2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD’s hand double for all her sins.
When I was in high school I didn't ever date. It wasn't uncommon with a lot of my friends, so many did not find it odd. I did have my crushes. I grew up in a small town, and many of those crushes were with girls I knew for a long time. I don't remember having any crushes on any guys. I don't think I thought it was possible, so I didn't.
My first crush was a girl in fifth grade. I was in the same class as she was. We actually bought each other friendship rings, and went to the movie together once, if I recall. I got here and a friend in trouble my sixth grade year, because they "kissed" behind the curtain. I was probably jealous. The next girl I tried to "date" was another girl in my class. he was in my class as well, and I asked her out to the homecoming dance. Well we were going to go, and during the football game, after we were done playing in the marching band, I remember that she somehow got word to me that she was not going with me.
The next "date" I had was my senior year. I was so upset about never having a date, that I was crying on the bus ride back from some vocal event. I was upset because I never had a date, and didn't have one to prom. Wasn't that just the most pathetic thing you have ever heard. A senior boy in high school crying because he didn't have a date. Well one of the nice girls, a sophomore, told me she would go with me. She was a "prom server", so she could go to the dance afterwards, but wouldn't eat dinner with us. I always have called it my mercy date. It wasn't very memorable, but I do remember Everclear being drank during the meal at the high school. It was an uneventful date, but glad we did it in the end.
All of these girls I would still consider friends today. So there were never any hard feeling.
I never had any serious relationships in high school. I don't remember longing for it. I do remember being very emotional in high school. A lot of times it was with my good friends, ones that I would get drunk with. I would get drunk and cry about shit. I don't even know what about now. But, from the time I was 16 we all drank quite a bit.
Looking back, I don't think I was any different then a lot of other guys in my high school. We drank, had fun, and didn't really worry about dating much. I knew that I was attracted to the thought of men, but I don't really thing it sunk in that when I grew up it would be an issue, or that I would have to come out of the closet someday. I was busy living my teenage years.
I guess it is all related to the fact that I am trying to figure out my "gayness" in my head. Reliving all the events surrounding my sexuality.
My last post I wrote about if I was really gay. Well...... I still struggle some days, because how "normal" things are, but I know who I really am. But all of this thinking,took me back to when I was a Sophomore in high school.
I was on the high school yearbook staff. I did alot of photography. That was in the day of 35 mm film and processing black and white film in the dark room. I had an assignment to take pictures of the FFA putting up playground equipment. I went and took pictures of these upperclassmen working. Some even took off their shirts. I don't think I acted excited, but I know I was. I snapped some pictures. Later on it was time to develop and look at what I had shot. I went to the dark room. It was next to the cafeteria, which used to be a gym, and down some steps. The room used to be part of a locker room, converted as storage, and the dark room. It was locked, and very few people had a key to the room. If someone entered, they always knocked, not to shed light on someones work. Well the film was developed, and now it was time to print the pictures. Getting the cropping just right, and the lighting just right.
I had several pictures that were just right. For me anyway. Shirtless guys, sexy, and working hard. I blew some of them up, but of course had to be careful to not keep any of those in plain sight. I think that dark room session alone, was a very erotic one, if you get my drift. One of the pictures made the layout, and I still remember it to this day.
Did I "know" I was gay. yeah. Did I admit it. NO. As you can tell I'm still struggling with that 30 years later. Still in the DARKROOM here.