Hook-ups "can" be for me.

I just wrote a post that was titled "Are Hook-ups for me?"  Well apparently some of them are.   I was out of town for a night, and of course I can't stay away from Adam4adam.    I found a hot looking guy that was 10 years younger than me and wanted to get together. He contacted me. The time, and location just worked out.  He came over and was good looking, although he was 20 lbs heavier than his picture, but then join the club.

It was a very good time. We cleaned up in the shower, and spent some quality time kissing and touching. He was quality, and I think that is what I need to look at.  Hook ups are for me if the guy is quality, if not, my hand does the job just fine.

There is a lot on my mind right now. Too much.  Hope you are all well.

Older men and the sex drive

I will tell you, I have had less and less of a desire for sex.  Sex or even masturbation.  I don't know why of course.  Some of it may be that I'm real busy, some of it may be because I'm slightly over weight and my hormones are off, or it just could be that I'm getting older.

When I'm alone in a hotel room, I sure do get horny, but I think that is because I associate a hotel room with jacking off, porn, or sexual escapades.  But when at home, I used to "need" to get off at least two or three times a week.  It have been once a week, or every other lately.  When I do have sex with my wife it has been weird as well.  I worry that I can keep it up.  It is not that is the only place it happens.  Even when I'm helping my self it goes soft.  

I know she thinks it is the gay thing, but I think it is something else.  I probably will talk to the doctor about it when I go in for my check up.  I have used the little blue pill before recreationally.  I say that because it was when I was going to a group thing, or when I had a romp that may last more than my penis was able to.  I use a cock ring when I masturbate, and that helps, so I am thinking about introducing that to the bedroom.  But anything out of the ordinary brings up questions.  Where did you get it, how did you know about, when do you use it other that here? 

The other thing that not getting it up or keeping it up brings, is that my wife thinks it is a gay thing, or that I am not interested in her.  I know, I know......   we need to talk about it.  Shit, we are lucky to talk about the other important things that happen through out the day.

Peace.  

Are hook-ups for me?

I'll tell you.  Lately, I have been re-thinking this hook up thing.  When I'm horny, I think about it often.  I remember all of the fun times I have had.  The problem is when I'm horny I don't think about all the close calls, and times that it just wasn't any good.

We have all had the times when we just didn't click with the other guy. Either because he didn't turn us on.  He sucked your tongue down your throat and wouldn't give it back, or was stinky, or you thought he was going to rob you, or you thought the wife would call, or .... or.... or.... or....

I think the thing is I'm not willing or able to take the time it takes to weed out the ones I don't want.  My big head says your not going to do this hook up thing any more, and then when I'm horny and my little head kicks in I am crunched for time, and I take the first thing that comes along.

I'm headed to Nashville in a couple weeks, and I keep thinking I should look around, but it probably won't happen.  When I'm horny, I think I should look at the sites, and make some plans.  But, won't probably do that.

I wish I could just hang it up.  Stick with the porn, the free chat line and the hand.  I usually feel better about that in the end anyway.

Small Town Hook-up Problems

Last week I was in  a small town working all week.  I head there about once a quarter.  When I say small I mean about 1,500 people.  There is a small hotel or two, and some restaurants, etc....

Well when cruising adam4adam I saw that there was a 25 year old that was within a mile from me.  I ignored it as I usually do in the small town.  I thought I would wait for him to contact me.  I chatted with at least one other guy, but he was 45 miles away or so.  After the first night of alone time, and the second this young man messaged me.  We started chatting, and I told him I might be free the next night.

He wanted to see face pics which I'm reluctant to send, but after some more coaxing I relented and sent him several pictures.  He was eager to meet, as he likes "older guys".  One thing I am smart to do is to not give a room number until I am completely sure it is going to happen.  I hate the feeling that someone knows where I am and I don't want to meet them.

Well the time initially was 7:30.  But he said it would have to wait till later.  I agreed and we decided till about 9:30 or so.  During this time I decided to do some looking on Facebook for him.  He had given his real name on his e-mail.  I found his profile, and it all looked good.  Then I started reviewing his public pictures.  SHIT.  He was related somehow to one of the people I was dealing with at the job I was working. I decided that this was no good, and sent him a quick e-mail that said, "Something came up at home, and I need to deal with it.  We can't meet.

I still freaked a little because he had my picture, but I figured that he was willing to be discrete in a small town, he would have a lot to loose as well, knowing that he was going to hook-up with an old man.

Lesson Learned.... Again....   I think I am done hooking up....   Well probably not, but I do become more and more picky. My rules only.  

Life at home is interesting, as things are so up in the air.  I think my wife and I both need each other right now.  It has been 6 months since her father passed, and now family issues with selling their house.  My wife consistently is looking at new places to move, just because she is bothered by being here.  I think it is memories of her dad, plus this place is soooooooo much work for us.  I guess the good thing is it keeps us distracted from the real problems going on.

Peace!

Why --------- Revisiting one of my first Posts

I was revisiting some of my posts because I was replying to a support group post.  I need to find the time to go back and re-read these myself.  I think they show my road.......... I hope I have grown some.

WHY

Gay and Perfection

Body perfection in the gay community is a big issue.  Gay men are looking for that perfect gay body. Well, I hooked up with a gay man last week with a man who's body is not perfect.  He had a beautiful picture, but when we talked on the phone, I found out that he was in a wheel chair.  He had a spinal cord injury and had no feeling from his knees down.

I agreed to meet him, but was nervous about what would come of it. I enjoyed my time with him, but I found that he was very needy.  I don't know if that was because of his abilities, or if that was just who he was.  There were some awkward moments as well.  I didn't spend a lot of time talking with him, but would have liked to.  I wonder how being in a wheel chair limits the men he is with, and if the gay community wants more of a perfect body.  

I hate to compare it to being too fat or other body imperfections, but I wonder if it limits the number of men who are interested.   

Just a discussion....

Here is Colby Keller's interview with a gay guy with CP.  Very interesting to listen to.

The snow is piling up outside............. Am I a sex addict?

I know...  Two titles in one, but My mind goes from normal to things most would not consider normal in a heartbeat.

First comment.  I'm in the Midwest, and today we have gotten over 8 inches of snow. (Yes I said 8 inches.  And not the internet gay profile 8 inches. The real 8 inches.)  I hope we can keep up with it, as it continues to come down.  Life on the farm is not easy when you have to push snow out of the way.

Next I wonder... Am I a Pornoholic and sex addict.

Here is the thing.  I don't think I really could go very long with out porn.  I get bored, or stressed, and I turn to porn.  I'm alone, I turn to porn.  That in turn moves to thinking about hooking up and looking on adam4adam. Which usually has me looking for the next hookup in the next town I'm going to.

I will tell you that I have not hooked up much in the last three years.  Maybe once every 6 months or so.  But now I am craving it more, and I know that porn fuels it.  Why don't I just have sex with my wife.   I could, but I enjoy the porn JO almost as much.  I have done it for 35 years, and love it.  

I did sign up for Tony Lister's Porn Addiction process, but I'm not ready to watch one hour a week, and I'm not ready to commit to the "I have a problem".  I don't know when that will be, but I'm not ready for it.

PS... I should be working, but I'm not watching porn.  But I must confess that I did look at my adam4adam account to check on my e-mails for my trip next week.   ughhhhh....  

Thanks for listening to the ramble.