Being busy is a great thing

My jobs have kept me out of the basement.  For the next couple weeks, they could keep me out of the house as well and that will mean my Lent offering will be easier.

Not really thought about sex at all much for the last couple of days.  I worked tonight till about 10:30.....

WOW... This may be really hard

I have decided that for Lent, I am going to give up porn videos.    This may be the hardest thing I have ever tried. I know... I may be addicted to the stuff, but maybe this will show me what I'm made of.  I have still looked at still pictures, on the blogs I follow, but that may make it harder.

I need someone to be accountable to.  I don't have any buds I can call when I have a hankering for some porn, and they can talk me out of it.

Wish me luck.

Ash Wednesday

I went to Ash Wednesday service at my church last night.  It was a very thought provoking service.  Beautiful Choral music. Of course the pastor talked about sin, and how God loves us even though we are sinners.  It was healing in an odd way.  I thought of my own mortality, and how whether I'm out and gay, or in and gay he loves me just the same. Whether I'm dead or alive, he loves me.

I did think about giving something up for lent, or doing something special just for lent.  

Do you do something special during lent?  I thought about not watching porn for 40 days.  It could be done, but it would be hard.  Maybe just not watching video.  I also thought about reading out of the bible every day. Boy those two are on extremes....

Again, What are you doing? 

10,000... really

Yeah!!!!! I can't believe it but I have had  almost 10,000 visitors to this little ole, blog.  Wow....  

It is hard to believe that many people are interesting in this gay subject.  

It helped that I did a posting on free balling.  

Thanks everyone.

A Friend Died

I have wrote about my life growing up in a small town.  It was pretty much void of gay role models.  There was only one guy I can remember that was openly gay.  He worked in town, and I knew his family pretty well.  He stayed to himself, and was active only in only one civic organization I can recall.

He was never really talked about. Except one time I can remember people talking about him getting arrested at a roadside rest area for solicitation.  That was it for role models in the 70's and early 80's.  I did have a friend that was not really out, but I think most people in town had the suspicion that he was gay.  We had several friends in common, and sang in the choir and in played in the band together.  Really nice guy.  I couldn't be close friends with him because people would have asked questions.  It is just the way it was in a small town. 

Michael went off to college in New Orleans, and I never heard from him again.  Never even really heard about him much.  It was before Facebook and the internet, and I really didn't have a reason to stay close with him. That is the sad part of a small town.

I was reading my local paper the other day as I do every week.  I always go to the obituary page, because my family forgets to tell me who dies.  I guess it is not important to them.  I saw that an old man who went to our church passed away, and a young kid about 21 years old had been in a car wreck and died.  Then I saw it.   Michael.  His name was there.  He died.  I was shocked for a moment as I read the words on the page. 

I called my sister in law later that day and delicately brought up the fact that I saw Michael had died of a long illness.  I thought immediately of AIDS, and with my recent scare it was too close to home. It had a quote from him about how he never thought that he would move back home at this time of his life, and enjoy it. She had "heard" that he moved back because he had this illness. 

She said that he died from some decease that "Homosexuals get," but didn't know what it was exactly.  I said, "Not AIDS?"  She said it was not AIDS.   What is this decease that "Homosexuals get"?  Of course I didn't push.  We talked about his parents, and how sad they must be.  Michael's only sibling had died some years back, so both of their children were gone.

I was so sad.  I had some regrets not staying in touch with him.  He was a good guy in High School and although we never talked about him being gay, I new some of his struggle-  Get through High School so I can get on with my life.  He had more courage than me.  He lived a full life.  

RIP Michael.  Thanks for being a friend all those years ago. 

No Time for Reading

Six months ago, I had a lot of time on my hands. I was not very busy working, and started to search for blogs to read.  They were about people like me.  I enjoyed reading about their lives, and have became attached to them. I love this little community of bloggers.  I have since started to get real busy.

I have stopped reading the posts daily.  I just don't have time.  I hope I can catch up someday, but it may have to be while I'm sick in bed, and no one else is around.   Heck I haven't even had time to spend any time with my porn.  You really know I'm bust if that is happening.  

I hope everyone's lives are filled with happiness.  I will read up on you later, and keep posting as much as I can.  

The Results are in............. I am..............

I was just hopping yesterday that I would get test results early.  I was holding my wife off as long as possible.  I wanted to be safe.  I got the Early Detection Test Results Today.  Valentines Day!  They say

Wow am I happy.  I'm almost so relieved that I want to cry..... I won't.....  

Lesson Learned.

Waiting..... For My Birthday

What a horrible time to be waiting for test results.  My B-day is next week, and damn if the results from the HIV test will be back on that exact day.  I have held off having sex with my wife for so long now, she is sure to wonder if we will ever do it again, and if she is desirable.  She has a cold now, and I have a sore throat, so that is a good excuse for a while.....

I guess a positive way to look at it is that it will be a great birthday to get this worry off of my heart and head when I find out I'm negative.

I'm off for some work travel.  I probably won't post till the results are in since that is all I can think about.  Have a good week......

Blood!!!!

I had my blood drawn yesterday for a early detection test for HIV. The whole process has went really smoothly.  I called the company. They sent instructions to pay at 7-11, and Lab instruction.  Went to the lab, and they didn't ask any questions.  They looked at the paper work, and then did the test. (I probably could have used a different name and date of birth, but that makes me more nervous.)  They don't have address or phone number.  I also used a incorrect Zip Code.  Then later went to 7-11.  The clerk didn't quite know how to take the payment, but the instructions for him on the paper were really simple.  I gave him the money and he gave me a receipt.  Now....... I am waiting the results.

I am hopping they come quickly, because I want to have relations with my wife.  I Pray they come before next Tuesday, as it is Valentines day.    

I have been very stand offish with my wife, and we have not be intimate for about three weeks.  This is the longest we have gone for a a while, and I'm sure she is getting anxious about it. I try to cuddle without getting handzy.  I know that she is very unlikely to make the move.  I am actually not in the mood either.  I haven't even made love to myself :) but once a week.  It does help that I am really busy with my two gigs.

So for now.... Waiting... could be tomorrow, or up to 5 days.  I hope they didn't mean business days.

Circumcised

Big Baby.  I love that I'm circumcised.  It is more beautiful, and clean. My older brother isn't. I don't know why, never asked my parents, but I am.  Wouldn't change it.  I usually enjoy Davey's chest, and his rants, but he is a little crazy on this one.

Another Test, Damn will power and stupidity

I didn't really understand this, but there are two types of tests you can get.  One is an antibody test.  It tests for the antibodies that fight HIV.  These could show up from 2 weeks,  to 6 months.  By 3 months 97% of the people will show the antibodies in the testing.  This is the type I just took, and can be done at many free clinics. Again, if you are interested in where I got mine, send a comment and I will send you some info.  I won't show your comment if you ask.

The other test is a test that looks for the actual HIV virus.  It can be done relatively quickly.  It is not cheap, ($179) but can get you results with in several days.  There is a service that can do this for you.  You pay on line or at 7-11 and then go to a "local" lab and get it done.  I have signed up and am going tomorrow. I wish I would have researched and did this last week.  I should know by my birthday at the end of next week!!!!! http://getstdtested.com/std-tests 

But to keep my wife safe, for peace of mind and to keep my life free of complications, this is a small price to pay. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Take care all...... and thanks again for the concern and encouragement to continue to NOT BE STUPID, and have some self control.

First HIV test shows.............

Hey Readers.  I have been pretty much in a funk since my bad decision several weeks ago.  I have these gut feeling that just make me want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.  Sometimes when I think about how stupid I am, I get completely flush, and get really hot all over my body, like a hot flash.  I have also had some times I am just able to forget about it all, and I'm even sober.

Well I went and had my first of several tests I will have in the next couple months.  I will need to have them to keep my sanity over the next 90 days.  This has been just under two weeks since I was stupid, and I will do it at 6 weeks, and then at least after 90 days.  The place I went is a great resource for gay men whether you are married or not. If you want to know more about their free testing send me comment, and I will e-mail you the info. I don't want to do it in a public forum, because it will narrow down my location quite a bit.

The test showed Negative if you were wondering.  It doesn't mean much except a little piece of mind.  The guy that tested me said they do about 10 a week, and as an average one of those 10 show up positive.  Wow, can you imagine that blow.  I can.  I have been living it.  I have lived it before, when I was stupid alot. It was years ago, and I played safe, but often.

Thanks for your thoughts.  I have had a supportive e-mail from a blog buddy, and the advice on my responses. I do appreciate it.  I think sometimes when you live mostly through phone encounters and porn encounters, that your judgment gets altered when it is person.  It doesn't sink in that these encounters are fantasy and not real, and they get jumbled up.


Thanks again.

Wrong Time to Ask

This is the one I am afraid to post.  Thanks everyone for the encouragement.  I work on myself....  

I was out of town, and I haven't been for months.  I really thought I needed a man's touch.  I needed to feel safe in the arms of a man.  A thought I could resist, but I didn't, didn't want to, or couldn't.

I posted on craigslist.

I had a lot of responses, of course I ignored most, and found the ones that seemed sincere.  I also passed over the ones that were overly "hot". You know they would never want a guy like me.  I'm not ugly, only a little over weight, but they are not coming to my hotel room in the end. 

So I found a nice black man.  We set up a time, and it was a wonderful time.

I rested the next night, but e-mailed him back and asked if he was free that night.  He was and was eager to come back.  Unfortunately, others I was with made me get back too late, and he was too tired to come over.  I understand, It was 10:30, and he was tucked in bed.  I had warned him that it might be late, and I don't care.

I thought at that time, this would be a good time to just relax, go to bed.  I don't need to find anyone.  The other night was great, I should play it safe.

Well, my second head got the best of me, and I posted again.  I settled on a Hispanic man.  He was eager and I had him come over.  We talked about condoms, and I told him I had some, and he came over. Here is how that transpired.

On Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 9:47 PM, He  wrote:

Hi

38  latio 6' 180lbs

still looking?

I Wrote
Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2012 9:54 PM
Subject: Re: married

Yeah...  nice pics..

 On Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 10:02 PM,  He wrote:

SO?

I Wrote

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2012 10:08 PM
Subject: Re: married

i need to jump in the shower.  How long for you to get to XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  Hotel

On Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 10:10 PM, He wrote:

15 MINS

U HAVE CONDOM IF IT GOES THERE?

 On Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 10:10 PM, I wrote:

yes I do....

I Wrote

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2012 10:11 PM
Subject: Re: married

can you text if you get to parking lot?

On Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 10:12 PM, He wrote:

yes, to what number?

On Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 10:14 PM, I wrote:

(xxx) ZZZ-ZZZZ... I'm going to jump in show and clean up... text me when you are here, and I will give you my room number.

 He said probably five whole words.  "Hi" and later on, "Can I fuck your ass."  

I gave him the condom, but he could not keep it up.  I let him enter for a period with out to keep it up.  But not for long, and he didn't cum there.  Now I said "let him".  because I have the control, but sometimes in the heat of the moment control is not my strong point.  Well I didn't worry about it too much. He left and life went on.

This week. I thought about the encounter, and thought maybe I should send him an e-mail and ask about his status.  It would make me feel better.  He didn't say in the e-mail and I didn't ask.

so here is the e-mail log yesterday.

I Sent

Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 5:20 PM
Subject: Re: married

Hey guy.... Had a good time the other night.  So i can rest easier.  Are you HIV Neg and tested?

Thanks...

On Mon, Jan 30, 2012 at 5:39 PM, He wrote:

no I am not!

I now thought FUCK.   But again thought he may use English as a second language,  so I wanted to make sure what he was saying.  So I asked I wrote Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 5:40 PM Subject: Re: married What does that mean? are you positive? or are you just not tested? On Mon, Jan 30, 2012 at 5:41 PM, He wrote: both NOW I thought I'm more confused, but a little more scared.   My body turned beet red, and I was hot as could be. I WAS OUT OF MY MIND> From ME Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 5:43 PM Subject: Re: married So... You ARE HIV POSITIVE.. and have been Tested HIV POSITIVE On Mon, Jan 30, 2012 at 5:44 PM, He wrote: no, u? I wrote Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 5:47 PM Subject: Re: married Good.  You had me worried for a while.  No I do not have HIV.   I haven't been tested for a while, but have not had many sex partners.   Thanks.. I am only playing safe from now on.  That makes me nervous. On Mon, Jan 30, 2012 at 5:49 PM, He wrote: I was just fucking with you, wrong question to ask after the fact I wrote

I know it is..... I'm glad you didn't make me play along for too long.....   Learned my lesson.

Okay. His response started at 5:39 and ended at 5:49 when he said he was fucking with me.  Those were probably the longest 10 minutes I have had in my life.  The thoughts of divorce, of dying, of coming out, what my family would think, what my work would think.  I was just in bad shape...........

I did learn a lesson.  Follow the correct head.  Know what you are doing.  Stick to your guns.

I know I will get the you are stupid, you are putting your wife at risk, you.... you... you... you.. you......

I AM a sinful human, who can't find a way to resist.  Please forgive me.

I now know the right time to ask.