When I'm in a funk Sexuality is just a minor thing

Life has changed completely around my house.... as school came around, my daughter went off to college as a freshman.  She is doing well, and I'm glad we raised such a great young woman... I am proud of her.

My wife started to work at the school, so is gone all day...............  Yay.... more income....

My father in law passed away several weeks ago.  No one popping in the house as I work to chat, or bring the mail by.......  He was a wonderful man. Sad, Sad, Day.

So as you can tell, it has been a change.  I liked it for a day or two, but I am having a hard time getting motivated to do anything.  I have a ton of work to do, as I was out for a couple of weeks, and now have reports to write.

I kind of feel sluggish, and am worried that depression or too much loneliness will set in.  I don't think I'm to that point yet. Lets just say that all of these things has put me in a funk...........  I don't think that people would say that is me. But I have been forgetting things, walking around in a fog.  One quick story about this.

I was in an office talking with someone about and helping to plan my father in laws "gathering". (He didn't want a funeral, so I call it a gathering.)  It was a very emotional day for me. I could have cried if you looked at me the right way.  I got in my car and was driving down the street.  I looked at some mail quickly, and when I looked up I saw I was in the middle of a cross walk, and there were two or three students standing around me looking at me.   I slammed on my brakes, but could see I was safe to not hit anyone, so I went on through the intersection.  We live in a college town, and this was right by a dorm, and students were headed to and from classes.  I was completely shaken, and lucky nothing happened.  It was like I had zoned out completely.

Well it scared the shit out of me.  I went home, and just sat down.  I am doing much better, but still focusing on one thing at a time has been really hard... I don't even know why I got here to write this. I clicked on a spreadsheet to work on, it took to long so I clicked on my e-mail and decided to go to Blogger.  I didn't plan on it. It isn't on my list of things I need to get done today.

Now to bring it around to the title.  My sexuality doesn't mean much to me today, I am here just worrying about getting the next task done.  Making sure my wife is doing okay with the loss of her father.  She would say, the one person who has never done her wrong.  We are both just so sad and in a funk right now.  I do hug her a lot, listen to her and am trying to be there for her, but the fact that I'm gay has NOTHING to do with that.  She is the most important thing to me right now.  This is all that I have left around here that is normal.  It is now when I'm gay means nothing more than it is part of me just like I have a hairy chest, and nothing to be worried about.

I may write more later.

PS. no need to tell me to go get help.  My wife and I do have a therapist, we need to make another appointment, and we will talk through it together....

I love the support of my blogger brothers.

Take care.

Quiet House

A new chapter started today.  My daughter left for college.  I will start a pretty heavy travel schedule, so that will be a challenge for my wife as well.  I'm not really "sad" because she is gone.  I am happy for her, and feel proud about it.

We are also going through the imminent death of my father in law.  He is my wife's rock, and that is going to be a real hard transition.  We all need each other now.

We are still going to a therapist and that is helping.  I think we are talking more, and our unconventional reality is becoming our reality.  

I'm happy with things right now.  I'm happiest that we made it to this point and I'm okay with staying as it is. In the past I always thought I would be ready to leave her when my daughter left home.  But it just feels right.

Love to all.

NPH-------------- He is my dream man.

NPH is hosting the Tony's again this Sunday.  I can't wait to watch him.

He is one man I find very hard to resist.  He will be 40 this month.





Everything here seems to be going well.  therapist is getting us talking a little, and we are both real busy right now.  Daughter is getting ready for college, and my wife's dad is still hanging in there.  Pretty well actually, but prognosis is not great.

So despite the changes it is going well.

But I'm always prepared when it seems to be going well shit always hits the fan.  Hopefully it will not.

Choices.   Make Good Choices, and Peace.

Reader going away

If you were like me you were using Google's Reader to keep up with all of your blogs.  Well I started to use Nebvibes.   It is similar, and I was able to download a list of my blogs  and websites I was following and upload it.  I used a good ole Google search to find out how.

Just thought I would pass it along.

Well. How did the Therapist go?

Well therapy went fine.

I now know I'm still a liar, and that we are different.

I now know we parent differently.  She authoritarian, and me passive.

I now know she has done nothing wrong, and it is all my fault.

I now know that I am the only reason our child was born.

I now know that she is hurting and really confused.

But in reality I knew all of those things.  I am there for her.  To make sure she is okay, and gets the help she needs.

I really want to stay in or get out of this relationship in a healthy manner, and that is why I wanted to go back.  I was tired of the phone calls  where she says shes done.  I've left, and don't know if I'll come back.  I want her to know where she wants to be and work at it.

We have not really talked a lot since the session, but I feel closer to her because we talked while we were there.

We have another one in about a week and 1/2....  I think it is for the best.

Thanks for all of the good thoughts out there.

Therapist

My wife had another "I'm going to leave" after the daughter lied.  I talked her down, if you will, and we are going to the therapist tomorrow.  The same one we went to years ago.

I'll keep you posted.

Good thoughts please.

The Risks

I take risks..........   I wouldn't be in the position I am if I didn't, but I ran across this craigslist post.  The poster was 29.  I continue to be surprised by the ability for people to continue to be risky after they know they are infected with HIV.  I guess the reason I post this is to remind me and others not to take risks.  Also you probably wonder why I was looking on Craigslist.  I do look from time to time, and have not acted on it lately....

Life on the home front is going okay.  The only problems seem to occur when my daughter lies.  It sets off my wife, which then turns the wrath on me, because I am a liar.

I feel sorry for my daughter, because my wife does not give her any room for error.  On grades, ("Your must have Bs. Cs are not acceptable.")  to if she doesn't go directly to the place she was headed.(Stop by and pic up a friend on the way to another friends.)

My daughter is being smothered, and I think she is a good kid... doesn't party, wants to do good, but is trying to grow up, and push away from the parents authority.

The last time I tried to calm their fighting down, my wife was going to leave and run away.  She probably wants to, but I think my daughter heard part of the rant, and now she is worried.  The rant was not anything about me, but I think my wife needs to discuss it with someone professionally.  But she won't go, because it is my problem not hers.

I have told her many times.  I have dealt with all this for all my life and am come to terms with it.  For her it is new, and she needs time, or help to deal with it.

Like I said, for the most part calm, but a little on edge waiting for my daughter to lie, for my wife to go ballistic, and the table to turn to how its my fault.

I realize I created most of the problem, but my wife is one thing I can't fix. I try to do my best.

Disrespectful Comments

I moderate all of my comments.

The other day I opened my e-mail to see three comments.  I thought, wow... I'm excited.  Until I started reading them.  It was from a guy who had nothing better to do than to write three very long and disturbing replies to my posts.  They were all very negative, and didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know people would think...

I didn't read them all, and I'm about to delete them.  I kept them just to see if I wanted to read them later, but my stomach is in a knot, so the next ones will get deleted immediately.



My note to him. 

Fuck YOU.  I'm sure you are sinless.  I know I'm not.  I have many regrets.  I am now trying to make the best of it.  Judge not.  





Peace to all.  Even the guy I say Fuck YOU to.

Saying Hey...

I had a follower e-mail me... So I thought I would post something quick.

I am doing fine.... Just not writing... way too busy to think about it.  

Wife and I are ignoring the whole gay thing most of the time, and that is when I do the best.   I still JO when I'm on the road and watch a lot of gay porn, but haven't hooked up in over 6 months or so.... just hanging low. 

My wife is too busy worrying about her dad, and the changes that it is bringing to worry about changing anything else.

Not trusting is still her big problem.  We will never get past that.

Love to all who read!