My wife is wonderful

I need to write this.  I know my wife is wonderful. She puts up with me.  I don't communicate, and love to just go through life.  She likes to plan, talk about everything and plan about talking.  I just live life. 

She has conformed to my thinking and that is hard for her. But she still lays beside me, loves me, kisses me.

Through our confusion she has been nothing but patient.  Please say a prayer for her everyday.  I know I do.

Thank you God for my wife.

Damn you Oprah

Okay.... I feel "good" when we are not talking about our situation.  But twice in the last week we have had to talk about "it".   This time, I was working minding my own business, and my wife gets the afternoon off and was watching TV, relaxing.  She watched Oprah. Why? I don't know.  We do watch it together many times, but I make sure what the topic is before I sit down. And when we recorded it I made sure we didn't watch her gay themed ones.

Yesterday..... what was on but the Down Low episode.  J.L. King was talking about the Down Low.  I know I've seen it, and probably made sure my wife didn't.

But it made my wife want to talk about why we are staying in this marriage that isn't going to last.  We didn't come up with a good conclusion, only that we are staying the way we are for now.  It was not a fight.  There were tears, and a good discussion.

I think the most important thing that I got out is that I don't want to live "gay".  Let me explain that.  I don't want to live out.  That is how I feel right now.  Even if we do break up or divorce.  I'm not ready to be "out".  I think she is surprised by that, and I don't know if she believes me, but that is how I feel right now.  This is important for her to know, because she has said before that if we break up she will not keep the secret, and let everyone know why.

The other thing that was brought out is what will happen to our children is she were to die.  WOW.  I said, "What do you think will happen to me?  I will stop being a parent, and not do what I feel is best for them."  She is afraid that "when" I do come out that they will not have anyone to turn to.  I don't think that is true.  I think that is one reason I am not ready.  I want them to be older to handle it. They are in high school in a small town, and can't imagine how that will effect their life as they are developing.  (Will I come out when they are out of the house? That is another post.)  

She also got to voice all of her fears, about AIDS, wondering who I am talking with on the phone, who I look at, who I e-mail, etc....  It is a daily grind for her.  We did embrace, and kiss afterwards.  We both love the other......... Just not sure how healthy this is for us.

Maybe we have to talk about it each day to make this work..... I hate to communicate about feelings, and this is the hardest thing I do. Conflict is not in my nature.

I Don't Even Know Who You Are

We had another of our "discussions" the other night.  I'm not good at communicating.  I know that.  But each time my daughter becomes hard to live with and is mean and belligerent.  The I didn't want children line comes up, which leads to my life is not what I signed up for.  Our scam of a life...... "discussion"  is started by my wife.

I know it is not what we thought it would be...  But it is what we were dealt.  It is scary. It is nerve racking. It is life

We didn't discuss much as usual, but I tell her I'm here, and I don't plan on going anywhere.   Even though she knows she can't trust me.  She then tells me, "I don't even know who you are."  I finally told her, "You can't say that.  You are the one person who knows me best.  I have told you everything.  This is who I am."  She didn't have an answer, but I'm sure we will talk about it later.  If we could communicate about all of this, it might be easier, but I don't know how.

Counseling is too expensive for us right now or I would suggest it again, but I think talking about it may be a way to make it easier.  I think I need to get my head out of the sand, and talk about it rationally.  If only we could talk without raising the level of anger.  I don't deal with that.

She is a hell of a woman, and loves me so much......

I Miss a Good Hug

 On a recent trip to Vegas I was by myself for a night.  I worked hard to find a hook up.   I needed to be with a man. I had lots of chances, but I needed to do it at a certain time to make everything work right in my schedule.  Well, I had a couple no shows, and a I can't wait that long.  But I finally found a guy to come to my room. It was about 10:00 pm.  He came in, and I could tell he was very nervous.  He was out and gay, but didn't ever hook up. (He says.)  He was really nervous, and ask a few questions about me being married.  He didn't want to kiss, so of course I didn't push. He said that it was to intimate, and I should be saving that, and besides he had a cigarette.  I said in the ad, I didn't like smokers.  We touched and talked for a while, and he actually wanted to see down there.......  he played with me as I did with him.  I asked him to lay on the bed.  He was fully clothed. We touched like that for a while, then sat back up.


He told me that he was pretty horny and another guy had came by his place, but he ended up asking him to leave.  Then he said, "I think I better go."  I didn't want him to at all.  I needed the intimacy, but he was feeling cheap from all of it.  He said he just needed "something" and was looking today for a reason he really didn't understand. 
He was so surprised that I needed the intimacy, because I was married.  Before he left we hugged. I didn't want to let him go.  I think it was a very therapeutic hug.  I whispered in his ear that he was Okay.  I said, "It is hard to be us, and we both needed to feel accepted." 

We hugged for about 10 to 15 seconds.  He left.  I sent him a quick e-mail that said, thanks for coming by, and that he should not feel cheap.  He said he only had good thoughts all the way home.  That made me happy........... even though we didn't get naked.... I was happy.

_______________________

I was in a small Midwestern town the other night as well, and had a few want to stop by.  But they were too late this time, and I took care of things another way.  I know you get my drift. 
________________________


As I get older, it is easier to just take care of myself, and go to bed.  In the past I would be up till 1:00 waiting for that right guy to e-mail me before I went to bed. I guess I will just wait till it is just right.  It is probably much more healthy for me anyway.

I really miss having good sex from a man more often, but I still need a good hug from a guy.  I think I crave that more than the sex.  Just to hold another guy, letting him know I care, and getting the same energy from him. I really enjoy that first hug.... fully clothed.... feel what he is realy made of.  Then as we get more intamate, we hold each other naked, no space between us.  It makes me feel so good. 

Stuck- Not allowed to complain, or get upset.

Hey all,  I may have written about this before, but more and more, I find that I'm stuck. I many times want to ask my wife to do something different, or get mad because of the way she says something.  She often will say, "Well that is a stupid question.  You should have known that." 

Last night was an example.  She gave me grief about a task I asked her about, and I got upset at her, for being mean and disrespectful in her reply.  I didn't just shut my mouth, as I usually do, but continued to tell her I didn't like it when she made me feel stupid.  Her reply is, "I don't like lots of things about you and I have to just live with them.  So I don't care." 

So now I'm back to this wimpy kid, that is hiding something, and I have to relys on her to keep my secret.  I can't express what I feel, because she always has that "One Secret"...  the Ace that trumps everything. 

I don't want out really.  I love where I live, who I live with, everything just the way it is.  Ohhh yeah, except that I want to have emotional feelings and a connection with a man.... ohhh yeah, I forgot about that one....  I always think,  "I've suppressed it this long, and am able to cure it from time to time with a one night thing.  Why can't I just continue?"

I'm Stuck --------

Anniversary of my wife being burdened with the secret

Busy.  My wife has to stay Busy.  This was true even before the Secret.  But now, it is necessity for her.  She has to do it to keep sane.  I know if she stops to think or rest, her mind will go to the big secret I have laid at her feet, and has moved up to her heart.  

I know how much she loves me, and I sometime wonder if leaving her would be the best thing for her.  She could let go of worrying about me.  I pray for her every day. I hope she finds peace in us staying together.  I want her to know how conflicted I am, but I'm afraid to talk to her about it.  How much more honest can I be to her.  Should I tell her my daily feelings, thoughts? 

I want to talk, but don't want to be put on the spot, and relive being an immoral person.  Cheating, not being true to my vows. 

Wow is this a gibberish post. 

We need some focus in our lives.

Summer Curse.

Summer is such a curse.   I have always hated it since I was a young boy.  I didn't like working on the farm, I didn't like the heat, or the sunscreen, or sunburns.  I just wanted to be inside.  Maybe the worst thing now is that there are all these beautiful men running around with their shirts off.   

You may think that is a glorious thing, but for a gay man in the closet it is a curse.  You want to stare, but you can't...... someone might notice you staring.  I hate driving down the road with someone in my family, and we get close to a gorgeous bare chested man. I look, but very quickly, sometimes out of the corner of my eye.
Then there is the part about going home all horned up. No way to take care of the feeling that a cold shower wouldn't even cure. 

I guess I will live with it, but dang it is hard.